Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I really had no intention of blogging today. I’m cutting back, you know. However, I had the most awful thing happen to me today. And I ran crying in the streets, whined to every single person I encountered and still have not been able to exercise this demon from my brain. So who ya gonna call? No, not Ghostbusters. I’m turning to you, my beloved bloggy buddies. I know that I can count on you to show me the love. I know you darlings can be relied upon to tell me lies the truth. Ahhhh, I feel better already.

So here is what happened:

On a lunch break last week, I came across a pair of shoes that were so comfy and exactly what I needed. I was wearing heels at the time and they were NOT shopper friendly. My tootsies were crying. I slipped on the little angels and ahhhhhhhhh, instant relief. However, showing incredible restraint, I left without making the purchase. But the shoes…..they called to me…..they haunted me……I had to go back.

Today I went back to get the comfy shoes. I figured that I deserve them, right? That’s what I said to myself. “Self, you deserve those comfy shoes that you walked away from last week. Now just hurry yourself back to the store before some other woman goes home with your shoes.” And so I did.

When the clerk rang up the sale, I was surprised to see that the sale with tax was less than the price of the shoes. Never one to make a fuss, I quietly left the store without mentioning the obvious error. Imagine my horror, when upon inspecting the receipt I found that I had been given the “55 and over discount.” That bitch! Damn her! I stood there like my feet were glued to the pavement. I was dumbfounded. I was speechless. I didn’t know whether to go back and demand to pay full price or slink to the car in a state of total depression and just be grateful for the price break.

Eventually I staggered to the car. I sat there in a daze. I got out my phone and took a self-portrait with the camera on my crackberry. OMG! I did look over 55. I bet you want to see that picture, right? Yeah, I figured. Scroll down:










Not that being over 55 is a bad thing, mind you………unless you are only 27 aren’t even 50 yet.

My commute home takes about an hour. I had lots of time to stew in my own juices. I called MHS. He reassured me that I don’t look anywhere near 50, let alone 55. Here is a man who knows on which side his bread is buttered. Next I whined to Daddy (in whose eyes I will forever be six years old). Daddy said that the woman was just being nice and gave everyone the discount.

I was not to be consoled. I stopped at the grocery on my way home. I ran into my next door neighbor and told my tale. She told me that I look great and the woman was clearly an idiot or visually challenged. It was about that time that Daughter #1 joined me to shop for dinner. I told her what had happened and she laughed her fool head off. She actually guffawed. So much for moral support……

After she composed herself (jerk) we moved on to the seafood department. Being completely consumed with my own midlife crisis, I turned to the man behind the counter and asked what he might suggest for dinner. He asked D1 and I if we liked pork. Huh? D1 said, “Aren’t you the fish guy? Way to support your department.” He laughed and said he was NOT the fish guy but was just covering the seafood counter. I argued that he has sold me lots of fish in the past and that must make him “almost the fish guy.” Now that we were friends and all, I said, “Hey, Mr. NOT the fish guy. How old do you think I am?” He said that I was probably 35. I rewarded him with a smile instead of a psycho reach across the counter punch in the nose and bought the salmon. I love intelligent men.

So my lovelies, show me the love. Lie to me if you must.

DSC04369 The night of the Brad Paisley concert

How old do I look? Twenty-seven, right? Never mind that I’m standing next to my 24 year old daughter. This is my most recent photo…….other than the one above that I took today. Regardless of what you really think, just tell me that I don’t look 55 and older so I can move on with my life.

Smart Mouth Broad


Jason, as himself said...

No freaking way! I wonder if the clerk was just feeling mean and took it out on you.

I am 40. You look younger than me. There.

smiles4u said...

No flippin way do you look even near 55...and no I'm not just saying that!!! You and your daughter look beautiful by the way...great picture! Now stop fretting and move on with your life...lol.

Pastor Sharon said...

Okay. . . first of all, how do you have a 24 yr old daughter? Did you give birth when you were 10? See doesn't that feel better already?

You do not look anywhere close to that 50 mark. I'll say younger than 40. Still that means you got busy having kids quick!

Now, let's review how bad you wanted the shoes. You wanted them REALLY.....BAD! So, they start calling your name. Right?

God saw your want, heard the shoes calling your name and put some little bimbo at the cash register who wouldn't now a senior citizen from a kindergarten student. OR maybe, she would think the "senior" discount goes to high school seniors. So, she rings up your sale. . . and WALLAH. . .you are blessed!

Kinda makes the "ouch" a little less personal. Oh well, I tried!

jeanmac said...

You don't look a day over 24 - I think it's the coral color sweater that is so "good" on you:) ha,ha,ha,ha,ha. (Sorry)Your friend, Jean

tera said...

She must have been young and confused.
If it makes you feel better (and you look absolutely fab, btw!) I talked to a guy on the phone today (I am NOT making this up!) who said he saw an "elderly guy giving a kid alcohol" as they walked down the street. I asked him to be more specific was the guy 60,70, what did he think was "elderly"?

...he then told me the guy looked to be in his 30's.


(Why won't they let me hunt these idiots down and put them out of their misery?)

Erin P said...

I was NOT going to read anything before bed, I was just going to put a few thoughts into a draft post to finish tomorrow...but your TITLE was so freaking perfect, it grabbed me and I had to read your always-good blog.

There is no way you look a day over 40, period. And this isn't coming from a kid; I know of what I speak. The girl was probably just trying to be nice....or trying to stick it to her employer by giving everyone discounts (did she seem disgruntled?). DO NOT SWEAT IT.

Erin P said...

PS: this was so freaking funny I forgot those ideas I was going to put in a draft...it's your fault!

Snappy Di said...

Oh shut up! I'm 55 damn you. LOL


Feel better??


Michel said...

oh SMB, you're not OLD, you were just a really slutty whore at a really young age! How dare she judge you!

However, did you ever think that maybe she is just stupid and might have carded you as well had she sold alcohol along with the shoes??

That is a really good business idea. A shoe store with a bar - how effin cool would THAT be?? Trying on shoes, sipping a martini. I'd shop the shit out of that place!

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Must of been one of those kids from the essays I read - helping little old ladies of 50 across the street.

You look FABULOUS, darling. And I'm jealous. So with I had a daughter to help me accessorize and wear the right stuff.

only a movie said...

That is some traumatizing stuff, SMB. I am constantly asking other half if I look my age in comparison to someone on tv, on the street, etc. All the grey hair my son's antics produces is bugging me.

Anyway, I'm 44 and you look younger than me. And sometimes people say I look young for my age...

Maybe the shoe person was trying to be nice to give you the discount.

Seriously, that photo? Sisters.

Jan said...

Considering the fact that you look WAY younger than me - you don't look a day over 30, damn you - I'd have turned right around and given that clerk a piece of my...shoe. The hard way/

What a wienie head!!

The Peach Tart said...

Early 40s to me

Gaston Studio said...

Surely the clerk was in her early 20s and thinks everyone over 30 is ancient! You don't look a day over 36 and four months!

Lone Star Queen said...

You look like sisters. I think the clerk was mean and spiteful and jealous!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

You look like you could be mistaken for D1's sister. A stunner.

I think the show sales lady gets so tired of anyone and everyone asking for the discount she puts it on for anyone who looks over 30.

demainca said...

She must have been 16 you know anyone over 25 is a senior citizen. I was shopping with my sister and her friend at a department store and after we checked out her friend said she has something to tell us, a woman that was in the linen department with us asked her if she was out "mother". OMG! Now that is a shocker, she is 12yrs younger than me, I felt so bad. This woman was near my age.
So at least as long as you were insulter you got a deal on a pair of shoes!!

atiredwife said...

You don't even look close to 50!!!

Linda said...

NO EFFING WAY! Obviously that cashier was learning impaired and never learned to read. Therefore she just mashed some buttons on the register and YOU my dear got the deal of the DAY!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Obviously a complete errror on her part. You're smokin'! Now stop worrying; you'll give yourself wrinkles...

blueviolet said...

You don't even look REMOTELY close to 55.

The girl was a complete idiot, a moron, an across the board discount giver, she thought you were nice, she was buckin' for a tip, she was early with holiday spirit, she hates her boss, you got the idea....You are hawt!

One Slick Chick said...

I'm sorry I missed the "crisis" but looks like you've recovered from that devastating blow. Of course you don't look 55. She was just being nice just like Daddy said. gaw.....what's wrong with being 55 anyway!! I'm close enough that I'd better embrace it!!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

You don't look even CLOSE to 55...no way! Maybe that sales clerk keyed it wrong and didn't realize it. Or just felt like being nice. :)

Fragrant Liar said...

I can't believe you didn't poke her eyes out right there. No, you don't look anywhere near 55. I would, however, be grateful for the discount cuz these days, that's an unexpected gift. Still, you shoulda poked the bitch's eyeballs out.

Delaney said...

Hubby just turned 55 yet he has gotten senior discounts for years. His hair went white, not gray and all of the 20somethings that work retail and restaurants automatically assume his age. Me? well, I've always looked older than I am and while that was sorta fun prior to 30 it now sucks but I'm used to it. In your case I am sticking with the clerk is too young and everyone looks old.

Tony Letts said...

sales girl was obviously myopic - I'd look like a corpse to her

Mrsupole said...

Hey what's wrong with being 55? Some of us are glad to get the discount for being over 55, I mean "someday" I plan on getting that discount too. Not quite sure when that will happen, maybe in another 30, you know at about the same time that you get the discount.

And hey, which one of you in the picture is you again? I am having trouble trying to figure out which one of you is the daughter. Are you sure that is not a picture of both of your daughters?

I mean my mom is only 39 and so there is no way that I am older than 19, even though my youngest daughter is in her ******'s, I mean I just took her to her kindergarden class today, or was that a few years ago? Oh well, it feels like yesterday.

God bless.