THE APPLE DOESN’T FALL FAR

I used to laugh at my mother. She was a self-described pack-rat. The woman never threw away anything. And I mean anything. It was like playing Russian Roulette to go thru the leftovers in her refrigerator - that she kept in those plastic margarine and cool whip containers. She joked that she was waiting for it to turn the “proper shade of green.” ICK! I cleaned out her pantry in 2004 when she was sick. I found a jar of apple butter that someone had made in 1985 and given to my parents as a gift. I threw it away but not without protest. I made my father taste it to prove that it was bad. Oh.Yes.I.Did. I tried to give the argument that it was as old as Daughter #1 who was a freshman in college at the time. That apparently wasn’t good enough. And so…… the taste test.

After Lucy passed, I helped my dad go through a lot of her things. You have to wonder what goes through someone’s mind that compels them to keep a program from the neighbor kid’s band concert for 30 years.

I always thought that my brother, Smitty, was the only one who inherited this particular personality flaw trait. My sisters and I have always been anti-clutter. We like our counter tops clear. We don’t like piles of “stuff” hanging around. A place for everything and everything in its place, right?

Somehow and I don’t know how it happened, it just happened. Actually I believe it happened over time. But once again, I’ve realized that I have become my mother. I was so proud of my oh so non-pack-rat, throw it out, keep it simple philosophy only to discover this weekend that I am, in fact, a pack-rat. And I just might be the packiest rat of all. Maybe it was motherhood and all those cute little drawings that came home from school to be displayed on the fridge. But there were always more to come. I couldn’t throw them away. After all, they were priceless pieces of art. And then there were the report cards, award certificates, ribbons, essays and school newsletters. I could probably fill a landfill just with the test papers I kept. 2 kids multiplied by 13 years of schooling, not to mention preschool. (Oddly enough, I’ve never gotten any test papers from college.)

And school days keepsakes are just the tip of the iceberg. Apparently it’s been way too long since I’ve gone on a de-cluttering mission. Because let me tell you, this house is full of CRAP. All kinds of CRAP!

You see, My Harley Stud and I are attempting to downsize and simplify our lives. I’ve spent the last few weekends going through all the piles and boxes and bags of junk we’ve collected and stashed away for keepsakes or put aside. Books, unused small appliances, ancient home decor items, etc are all getting either thrown out, given away or sold in………………….the upcoming YARD SALE! Just shoot me now.

MHS keeps asking me, “Don’t you want to just take all this crap to Goodwill? Is it really worth it?” In this economy, who am I to miss an opportunity to make some extra cash? I’ll tell you who I am. A FLIPPIN’ LUNATIC!

If you never hear from me again:

1. I’m trapped under a pile of CRAP that has fallen from the top shelf of the closet.

2. I’ve taken all my yard sale earnings and ran away to a tropical island.

3. I ditched the whole project and I ran away to Canada. I really want to run away to Canada. They have all the fun.

4. MHS tied me up and put me in one of the boxes when he hauled the entire mess to Goodwill.

Anyone looking for a used Halloween costume for their toddler, Husband, teenager, dog? I’ve got them all.

Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad