Monday, December 28, 2009


georgeclooneyER For those of you who celebrate Christmas, I hope that it was all you hoped for and more.  As for me, it was a great day……………………until…………………….

Now that the girls are older, we got to sleep in a little on Christmas morning.  Once awakened it wasn’t long before the aroma of Santa’s White Christmas coffee and monkey bread filled the air.  The only thing missing was the chill.  It was hot.  I much prefer a little nip in the air for Christmas day but our sub-tropical climate was having none of that.

Presents were opened, breakfast was served and The Christmas Story played on a continuous loop on the TV.  It was a glorious morning.

My SIL and BIL came for a simple midday meal of Paula Deen’s standing rib roast, mashed potatoes, salad and Parkerhouse rolls.  The roast came out of the oven.  My Harley Stud whipped the mashed potatoes after I seasoned them to perfection (IMHO) and I didn’t forget and burn the rolls.  My SIL and I were happily chopping veggies for the salad while everyone else readied the table settings.  I’m really quite the whiz with my beloved Wusthof Santoku knife.  Wusthof Santoku  Unfortunately I’m also quite the motor mouth when there is someone there to listen.  So as I regaled my SIL with some silly nonsense about so and so, I got a wee bit carried away while chopping the romaine and almost whacked off the end of my thumb.

After quickly inspecting the damage over the kitchen sink, it was determined that a trip to the Emergency Room was in order.  MHS and I instructed the family to carry on with dinner and off we went to find a good seamstress.

The woman at the registration desk in the ER asked me to state my name and my problem.  As she searched for any previous record of me in the computer, I assured her that I have never been treated in that facility.  That’s when she said, “You’re 49?”

I swear to God, if she had said, “You look tired” after that, I would have slugged her but I wouldn’t have been surprised.  Defensively I replied, “Why!  Do I look older?”  She quickly responded with, “NO!  You look much younger.  I was questioning if this could even be you.”

As it turns out, while I’ve never been treated at that hospital, I do have my mammograms at a women’s center nearby that is owned by the hospital, hence my info in the system.

And that is how I found my new best friend.  Yes, I can be bought and flattery will get you everywhere. I love you, Ms. ER Reception lady with all my heart.

But I digress.  Two hours later, I’m called back to see the doctor.  I’m asked several times to verify that I am in fact Smart Mouth Broad.  It seems that another patient answered to my name when I wasn’t listening and caused the medical professionals some confusion as to why her thumb wasn’t bleeding.  Nevertheless, they treated her anyway as I waited and waited and waited.  No worries though.  I had the forethought to bring the DS so MHS and I could play Sudoku while we waited.  Well, MHS played while I learned the art of thumbless texting, tweeting and facebooking.

MHS was at my side the whole time but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t get the hot doctor, right?  Where was my George Clooney?  I mean if a girl has to go to the ER on Christmas day, doesn’t she deserve a hot ER doc?  Just sayin.

Apparently not because hot he was not.  But he was nice and apparently adequate to the task at hand.  (pun intended)  After being asked for my pain level on the scale of 1-10, 1 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain you’ve ever experienced, I answered with a very brave “2, maybe 3.”  Don’t you hate that question?  I realize it has to be asked but do they really expect an intelligent answer?  Like I have the concentration to sit and flip thru my entire life history of pain to compare it to the pain I’m feeling right now.   Well, there was that time I fell on my head while turning a back handspring in the gym in 1977.  Do we really want to go there?  Because anyone who knows me knows how I can go on and on.  Let it suffice to say, “It hurts, dammit!  Let’s get on with it.”

But it really didn’t hurt that bad………………………….until he got out that leetle needle to numb it.  I’m fairly certain doing the whole procedure sans anesthesia would have been preferable to the pain and suffering encountered at the mercy of that tiny little needle.   While he stitched me up, he proceeded to give me instructions on the care and keeping of such a wound.  He mentioned something about the fact that it look “a little blue” already and “it might not take.”  What the….!  Excuse me, could you repeat that?  “Yeah, it might not take in which case we’ll refer you to a surgeon who will TAKE IT OFF and it will heal from the inside out.”  Huh?  At that point, I figured the less I knew the better and I changed the subject.

“Is there any reason I can’t go to a dinner party tonite?”, I asked.  To which I was told to PARTY ON.  We were expected that night at our dear friends, Miss Lolly (of the DAMN WARM CIDER fame) and Wolfgang’s for dinner.  Sadly, by the time we got home, Daughter #1 wasn’t feeling well and I was pretty much spent from all the excitement.  I called Miss Lolly with our regrets and we made raincheck plans.  We spent the rest of the evening on the couch watching movies and drinking wine.  Party  on, indeed!

So…………………………………….how was your Christmas?

Smart Mouth Broad


Heather Tew said...

sorry to hear about your excitement. Oh how you deserved a hot dr.....hope your new years is better!!!

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

OOooohhhh...thank God, not like yours! That's all I would have needed! I did cut my index finger when trying to figure out how to use my new food processer that is five years old! I wanted to dice onions ...I need to find the book!
No stitches were needed thank heavens. I just cut off the extra skin with my tiny sewing sissors! :) It only hurts a little bit today!
I'd tell you how it went as soon as I've finished resting up. YOU cannot put nearly 50 people in one not huge home was nice.
No, really, it was! It was nice!

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

OH GOD! How could I have forgotten about George! YES! You definitely deserved a George Clooney! I HATE emergency rooms!

otin said...

If someone was sewing part of my body up, I would not care what they looked like, well, maybe just a little! LOL! Do they make topless medical centers? It might be a big idea!

Sorry that you hurt yourself!

Happy new Year!

Anonymous said...

Our Christmas was quiet and blood free. BUT, if George Clooney had been working in our Emergency Room I may have just nicked my thumb on accidentally on purpose so he could put a band aid on it.


only a movie said...

Ack. Stitches. Brave brave, SMB. And you don't look at all your age. I don't know why you worry. Don't you get 'aren't you sister?' comments all the time when you are out w/ your daughters?

I did the 3-states-in-2-days Mad Dash of Christmas fun.

It is snowing now.

Talk soon - xo

Brian Miller said...

yikes! sorry you hurt yourself...the receptionist gave you a great christmas gift though...good job being brave. did you get a sucker? smiles. hope your new year is not quite as aeventful, just a whole lot more memorable.

The Lone Star Queen said...

Ewwwwhhhh! Sorry to hear about your thumb. I guess everyone skipped the salad. Our Christmas was injury free thank goodness.

Jan said...

My Christmas was a little less bloody, unless you count the medium rare prime rib I made on Christmas Eve. But that's okay, because I did my stint in the ER (well, actually it was stat care) in the fall when I nearly cut the end of my left pinky off while chopping onions. You have my complete sympathy.

Kimberly said...

George was tending to my needs...I'll share next year.

Gaston Studio said...

I would have also demamnded George if I had to visit an ER on Christmas day too, but then, you did find a BFF at reception which must have made up for the Clooney-less hospital just a wee bit. So sorry you hurt your thumb and hope the sewing did 'take' so that you could enjoy that standing rib roast.
My Christmas was totally bloodless, thank goodness.

Linda said...

I spent 3 days traveling; 12 hours & 700 miles from SC to Macon, GA to Sevierville, TN back to SC in the front seat of a truck with the ELPH and the dog. No blood was spilled. ANd I wouldn't change a thing! So glad you won't lose your thumb and that your Christmas was spent (mostly) relaxing with family.

Beth said...

MY Christmas was amazingly dull and calm compared to yours. I'm so sorry your thumb was all whacked out. Your meal sounds great, though. :)

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, my parents were out visiting from before Thanksgiving, but they stayed sick the entire time they were here, so they went home to Florida just before Christmas. (sigh) But three of my four daughters and their families were here, so it was a great time. Kind of quiet and bitterly cold, so it was a good time to catch up on the Christmas Vacation and Christmas Story movies, over and over and over again. Unfortunately, George is two-timing us all with some model floozy. Honestly!

P.S. My word verification is "derriers"!! What are you trying to tell me?

croneandbearit said...

I'm so proud of you for shouldering on through the pain and blood and I'm sorry George wasn't your ER doctor - I usually get the old men w/hair in their ears (ick). I hope by now you have mended sufficiently to go back to using that marvelous piece of cutlery - but carefully m'dear. I wish you a Happy New Year with all your digits intact! Hugs and blessings.

Erin P said...

Oh my--not the best way to spend Christmas! We should know better than to chop and talk...I nearly took off my index finger while hosting a dinner party once. My Christmas was good but I feel like I have pneumonia...wish my doctor (NOT a Cloney type, more of a Lucy Liu, but my age) weren't on vaca this week!

Anonymous said...

Oh my!! Not a great way to start off Christmas Dinner. Sorry to hear about your finger. I think they should numb the area BEFORE they use that tiny little needle holding lidocaine that BURNS LIKE HELL!!!
And when he told you it "might not take" . . .I would have let him know if I hadn't been waiting for 2freakin' hours maybe it would have a better chance! That really sucks!

I work at a hospital and trust me, ALL the Clooney's don't work on holidays!!! Sad but true!

Hope it heals well!

Anonymous said...

We visit the emergency room often with my son....actually there's a plaque with his picture of patient of the year.

Be warned that our last stitch and sew incident cost us $2,500.

Hope your New Year's turns out better and you are on the mend.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

My Christmas? Not nearly as interesting as yours.

Oh, and note to self. Next time they ask your pain level? Say 9. You're 49. You've earned not remembering what they do to you.

Hope it doesn't hurt now.

Reader Wil said...

How is your thumb now? My X-mas was itchy, not just itchy, but ITCHY ITCHY. I developed an allergy from a medicine I got for something.The something is better now, but the rash was much worse. My Dutch daughter and grandson came for dinner. Her ex was staying here and cooked for us. He can cook very well. My grandson washed the dishes. He is the boy on the photo with the beer in Australia. Are you still with me? About that cup of cocoa.. Yes let's have it in my house!
I wish you a great New Year! And I hope that your thumb will heal quickly without problems.

Heather said...

I'm more of a Noah Wyle girl myself, but either way a girl deserves a hot doctor! When we are in a pain level of 2 to 3 or higher, we NEED something good to look at! Particulary on Christmas day!

How many stitches did ya get? I got one and that sucker still hurts, especially when it gets cold.

Take care!

Anonymous said...

Yikes! Well, up till then your day sounded pretty near perfect. Have you now lost your knife-handling privileges? Sorry you didn't get a Clooney sighting.

Tony Letts said...

Just wondered - when she said you looked younger than 49, could she see your clenched fists?

Hope the patient is recovered now

midlife slices said...

I'm not sure how I missed this post but where's the picture of the thumb? You show us George but no thumb like all we like are pretty things. :) When you and HBL meet, y'all can compare stubs.