Tuesday, July 14, 2009



Once upon a time, I was known for my pure heart. I rarely cursed out loud and never before 4pm. I never told lies because my face gives me away and I never had more than 10 items in the express lane at the supermarket.

I have been known to make a return trip to a store if I discovered that I had not been charged for an item. My nickname at my previous employment was Mary Martha because they said I was Martha Stewart and Mary Sunshine all wrapped up in one person and they didn’t mean it as a complement. If we had a particularly difficult client issue, they would say, “Send in Mary-Martha. Nobody gets mad at her.” What can I say, I’m a people pleaser, people. I’m not comfortable offending people. And I’m hard to offend.

Then I began to blog. Suddenly the words that had always been perfectly content to reside only in my brain were spilling out onto the pages. I swear like a drunken sailor in my head but those bad words used to only come out verbally if I dropped something on my foot or you beat me in a card game. WTF and FML have become common place in my instant messaging. My daughters want to know who I am and what I’ve done with their mother.

There’s a trickle down effect at play here. I have a NO CURSING policy in my office. I have a point system like NASCAR. The front desk girl is a native New Yorker. Shhhhh, they don’t like it when you stereotype but those people take cursing to a whole new level. I’m always taking away her points. But the system is flawed. It’s hard to enforce such rules when the head honcho (Dr. Boobiologist, also a New Yorker) hangs up the phone and says, “Effin B*tch!” (Only she doesn’t say “effin” if you get my drift.) Of course she is usually referring to some medical director of an insurance company who won’t approve a diagnostic test. No points deducted for that. Totally justifiable cursage. But I digress.

I now find myself in the embarrassing position of having my own points being deducted as my blogging language is seeping into my work life. Leadership by example has gone to hell in a hand basket. And my kids no longer believe that I would never cheat them in Monopoly because they no longer believe that I am pure of heart. And that’s CRAP! I’m still a goody two-shoes. I am still pure of heart. I’m still a nice girl. I swear! Yes.I.do. So what!

And sometimes I may or may not mis-count the items in my cart when I enter the express lane at the grocery. And if that girl at TJMaxx misses ringing that pair of socks, it wouldn’t be right to jeopardize her job by pointing out her mistakes, right? Oh and that 4pm rule? We’ve moved that back to noon. That’s respectable, right?

And it all started with a blog.

Smart Mouth Broad


midlife slices said...

Yeah yeah....blame it on the blog for bringing out the true SMB. *wink*

It was a good story though, Martha Mary Potty Mouth. :)

Donna said...

That sounds alot like me.I don't judge people and working at TJMAXX is very hard not to judge. But alot of times I just grin and bear it.Yes I do work at TJMaxx and yes I do have alot of repeat customers and they just look at me and some say :How can you work here? I just say I'm a nice person.HA!HA! My grandson says that I'm the mean grandma.HA! I just say to him: I still love ya. But I do know how you feel.

Mrs. K said...

I find myself swearing like a fucking sailor lately- I'm like- what the fuck is wrong with me?

croneandbearit said...

I knew this day would come. You have been hangin' around me too long and my ugly ways are rubbin' off on you. Ahhh screw it - we're both wonderful witty wise wovely (sorry couldn't think of "pretty" w/a 'w') women and I love u so there! Swearing can be fun - I know - let's start a "swearword" meme for the absolutely worst swear word anyone can originate. You start... LOL Love you, mean it! Bye

Kelly's Ideas said...

Funny post that I can completely relate too.


only a movie said...

Oh boy. effin he** is my favorite swear-phrase. Does this mean my invite to FL is rescinded? I'm sure I have NO POINTS!

Love this post. Cursage is one of my favorite topics.


tera said...

Mary Martha Potty Mouth! hahaha!
I have also noticed a rise in my cursing language, but I suspect it's my job's fault, because I hear so much of it all &!*@%! day long!

And Donna...my mom would probably say she'd rather be the "mean" grandma, because my brother's kids call her the "old" grandma (the other one is about 10 years younger...) so I guess it's all perspective, huh? :)

Creepy said...

I make sure I curse before getting out of bed...

I curse incessantly... ask my sister (Movie)

Oh, and I'm also a goody two shoes... I can have it both ways no??

darsden said...

LOL sure blame the poor ole blog.. next it will be us!

That is a beautiful picture you have up top just beautiful :-)

Pastor Sharon said...

So are you Judging yourself and deciding that you are NOT GOOD ENOUGH because your language has become less that what is expected of a "miss goody two shoes"? I know, kinda deep. Don't beat yourself up. There is no trophy for doing that and you don't even get a sticker with a smiley face for it! :) Just remember. . . . virtual thoughts. . . .

On a lighter note, does that mean if I start cursing on my blog I can blame you guys? :) Now go have yourself a great day, MARY MARTHA! You are loveable! You do matter and you do make a difference!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Bad blog! Bad blog!

And this line?

"I’m still a nice girl. I swear! Yes.I.do. "

This was brilliant!!!

Tony Letts said...

Don't make out we've corrupted you. None of us ever effin swear. You've just cast off your shackles, burned your bra, made a bid for freedom - whatever.
BTW It's a good thing to keep the kids guessing! Show them you're not a stereotype lol

lisa said...

The biker chick in you is finally coming out. You're still sweet with some saucy thrown in. :)

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Oooh, nice pic on the header today.

I'm a curser too, except when the grandchildren are within earshot. I've actually become less of a curser with age. I let Hubby do it now.

The Blue Ridge Gal

Deb said...

I agree with Lisa, it's the biker chick coming out! I'm a potty mouth from way back but can't for the life of me figure out what FML is. WTF, please educate me.

only a movie said...

Oh yes, SMB. Like my sister, I am also a goody-two-shoes. Maybe even goody-three-shows. My mom wants accused me for being too nice.

(Maybe it was too f*cking nice).

Maureen at IslandRoar said...

Oh, me too! I am talking in abbreviations and they're not pretty. Luckily, right now not too many people I know read my blog, but it can't be good for my rep (if I have one...).
Funny post!

Jan said...

I curse. Like a sailor. Usually only when I'm really, really angry, though. When I start dropping F-bombs, my family starts running for the hills.

(Just to let you know, though, "shit" doesn't count. "Shit" is my favorite curse word and I say it all the time when I screw up...so naturally it is a common part of my vocabulary).

However, you're 100% right - I don't curse much on my blog, but I do throw cussing when I normally wouldn't IRL.

WTF is up with that?

Reader Wil said...

I am so sorry for you that blogging has that effect on you. LOL. I rather enjoy your post! Thanks for the comment! Yes I went off again without you!! So sorry!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Oh I loved this SMB. Blogs bringing out our inner natures...

What is FML? Seriously. I'd make a few guesses here in your comment thread, but you might take away some kind of points I didnot know I even had.

otin said...

I dabble in profanity from time to time! LOL!

Beth said...

I have to admit, the swear words are just in my head. And I can't move back the no cursing time at school. Ever.

So, the blog gets it.

And you are damn funny.

Michel said...

wait? Are we not supposed to curse?? SHIT! I mean....

I also find myself spouting my nonsense in the workplace as well. Such as when I point out that someone is acting like an asshat.

However, in my defense...they are!

I still love you though. it will just have to be enough.

Wunderwoman said...

Seriously, I want to know what FML stands for...

I just heard on the radio the other day that cursing helps people deal with pain...so curse away...it's therapeutic

I love the picture in your header....I'm going to see that when I go to my happy place! Hey, everyone has one right, right?

Smart Mouth Broad said...

MLS-That would be Ms. Mary Martha Potty Mouth to you. *wink*

Donna-I once returned to a TJM store because they didn't charge me and asked to be charged. The two kids behind the counter looked at me like I had two heads. LOL

Mrs.K-Como se dice, "That's 50 points, Missy!"

C&B-Here I thought it was the blog but now that you mention it, you're right it's totally you! LOL

Kelly-I beginning to see a pattern here. I guess I'm not alone.

Movie-LOL I was sitting here wondering who effin he is. Yeah a little slow. Offer still stands.....anytime. I'll stock up on bonus points before you get here.

tera-I think I may have to start a new blog with my new name. LOL
I didn't know that Donna was your mom! Did I? You know how forgetful I can be.

Creepy-You can absolutely have it both ways! I seem to have a problem with the snooze button lately so my first "awake" thought is usually "Shit, I'm late!"

Dar-Now that you mention it, you may be partially to blame.

PS-Damn, no sticker? Oops, there I go again.

NGIP-But I AM a nice girl!

Tony-Free at last! Free at last!

Lisa-I like that........."saucy"!

Di-Yes we do have to watch it when the little ones are around.

Deb- FML=Eff my Life.

Movie-Goody three shoes! Now that's disfunctional. There must be a 12 step program for that. LOL

Maureen-Daddy read my blog. I'm never getting ungrounded with my potty mouth. *sigh*

Jan-I think if I ever dropped the eff bomb out loud in my house, they'd all fall over dead! Now MHS on the other hand has done his part to make sure that our children were exposed the the fine art of "cussing".

Wil-I thought we had a plan and there you go off again without me. Damn. Oops I did it again.

Pseudo-Wait! Are you implying that this potty mouth is in my nature and I'm NOT pure of heart? I don't think I like that theory. *pout*

Otin-Nah.....not you too!

Beth-What? No cursing at school? That's where I learned some of my best stuff!

Hit 40 said...

I love it when the clerk forgets to ring up an item!!! It's the best. Especially at the garden center in the spring. Since I do not steal or clip coupons.... I kinda feel like it is good karma for me. Now your saying that I was suppose to point out their mistake!!! Way to bring me down on myself. THANKS!!!

Hit 40 said...

And WTF!!!

Debbie said...

Ok...I had to read alllll the way to the bottom to find out what FML was and I am really glad I was not the only one? I just thought it was another one of those secret blog things. I'm really confused by all this?? With a name like SMART MOUTH broad, wouldn't ya suspect that there may be some foul language somewhere in there?? What kind of SMART MOUTH were we talking about anyway?:) I'm with the commentor that said "keep em guessing". I can sure relate to the Martha Mary person you strive to be! I gave someone a five dollar bill the other day and she gave me back three fives and change. Without skipping a beat I told her and she was very happy I caught it! I just can't be mean either and am such a damned people pleaser but I am working on that. I give things away and am always saying "Oh I'll do it....I'll volunteer! Me...pick me!" I've toned that down too. I love your blog...not only are you funny as hell but you're always thought provoking. Keep em coming and we will all keep that potty mouth under wraps.:)

Nina P. said...

Here's one for you.. S. H. I. T.!

What else would I have meant?

TTYL SMB! And WTF= Wait!.. There's Fun!

and FML = Funny! Me Laughing?

The list is endles! Truck on my fiend...Love and Light, Nina P,

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Michel-Asshats? Again, justifiable cursage.

WW-It's my happy place too but I'm good at sharing.

Hit40-Oh yeah, you're BAD. Really bad.

Debbie-Gee, when you put it that way, you've got a point.

NinaP-More fun stuff! Thanks for sharing!

darsden said...

SMB just got Hit 40 bawhahahahah

Joanna Jenkins said...

"Stop cursing" has been on my New Year's Resolution list for three decades :-)

Oz Girl said...

I propose that when us girls finally plan our getaway in Hawaii we also plan a night of drinking and cursing to release our inner Mary-Martha's.

There is no room for Mary-Martha while on vacation in Hawaii. ;-)