Wednesday, January 6, 2010

GET OFF MY ARSE!

Tailgating

I hate being tailgated not to be confused with the tailgating that goes on before the football game.  Unfortunately this happens to me quite often on my hour-long commute to and from work.  And it’s not because I’m not a courteous driver.  I am most of the time.  I move over whenever possible to get the heck out of the way.  I may or may not routinely drive ever so slightly over the speed limit but for the most part, I just go with the traffic which generally drives way too fast.  Don’t be judgin’, people!

But there’s always that one special driver though that has to ride my bumper.  Even when there is nowhere to go even if I could get over, he/she will still ride my arse so as to push me along. 

This was the case today on my way to work.  I was in the left lane going faster than the cars in the right lane on the turnpike.  There was no place to get over and the cars in front of me were going the same speed that I was.  Nevertheless, there was Mr. Upmyarse trying to will me to drive faster into the rear end of the car in front of me.  As I was giving him the stink-eye death stare in my rear-view mirror, I noticed that he appeared to be talking to someone.  His conversation was quite animated however there didn’t seem to be anyone in the car with him.  I became intrigued which probably caused me to slow down a tad bid.

Who was Mr. Upmyarse talking to with such enthusiasm?  It didn’t look as if he was wearing a bluetooth earpiece.  And since he was so close, I had a pretty good view of the entire interior of his SUV and a close-up of his face.  He didn’t seem to be ranting at me  but he stayed right on my tail and boy oh boy was he going to town with his chat.  His arms were flying with gestures aplenty. 

Eventually, I had the opportunity to get over into the right lane so Mr. Upmyarse could move on to tailgate the car in front of me and arrive at his destination point six seconds faster than if he had remained at a safe distance behind me.  As Mr. U passed me by, I noticed he was air drumming on his steering wheel and it became clear that he was not chatting but singing.  He looked silly.  Ridiculous even.  What a weirdo.

Then all of a sudden the realization hit me.   Throughout this whole episode, I, too was singing at the top of my lungs.  Yes, my friends, while I was giving Mr. U the stink-eye in my rear-view mirror, I was singing like Streisand, belting it out like Martina McBride, serenading like Billie Holiday.  You don’t think I looked as ridiculous as Mr. U, do you?  I mean, I didn’t have those enormous hand gestures after all.

Don’t you hate it when your pot calls the kettle black?

32 comments:

The Lone Star Queen said...

Go ahead Rock out just don't play the air guitar! I always sound SO good in the car. I'm sure you do too.

otin said...

One day I was riding in my work van with a coworker. He said, "Don't you ever clean this shit out?" I have half empty coffee cups and diet soda bottles in 3 cup holders. I told him that they are my tailgater weapons! There is nothing that will make an idiot back off faster than a spray of 3 day old coffee all over his nice whit Beemer! :))

Jan said...

Now you make me miss the long and congested commutes I had while living in Dallas.

Okay, not really. But it makes my measly little three-mile commute to and from work here in Podunk look more boring than it really is.

midlife slices said...

ha! I love the mental picture you painted. Was it my husband on your arse because he's a tailgater and it drives me insane which in turn causes involuntary bitchiness to occur which in turn causes voluntary pissiness from the other side of the car. It's so fun. Ha!

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, it's just not right to drive all that distance and NOT be channeling Streisand. A girl's gotta sing her way into a good mood before she punches the clock, right?

P.S. I know that road! In your header. At least it LOOKS like the 487 (I think) in Ocala. Make me miss being there! [sigh]

P.P.S. My word verificaton is SINGLY. It's a sign! Sing girlfriend, sing!

Heather said...

Don't worry about what you looked like to others. Just sing your heart out!

I hate when drivers just have to be one second closer.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Hahahahaha! Yes, the old pot and kettle scenario. Always makes for great stories though.

only a movie said...

You drive an hour to get to work? Wow.
I always figure that if somebody notices me singing in the car, they'll not likely see me ever again and it will at least give them a good story of some fool on the highway. Ha.

Brian Miller said...

he was just giving you a beat to dance to and trying to get close enough for you to hear...lol. i cant stand when someone is on my tail...

blueviolet said...

My pot only sings when the kettle isn't looking. ;)

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Isn't that what commutes were for? I hate driving long distances alone. But the thing that gets me thru is giving a free concert as I go. I gave up caring what the other drivers thought a long time ago. You go girl!

Arkansas Patti said...

My singing kept me awake on a recent long drive (it would keep anyone awake). Let er rip SMB.
I often wanted to invent a hand activated brake light that I could flash at a tailgater but he probably wouldn't notice. Then I really would be mad.

Gaston Studio said...

I also hate tailgaters and love Otin's comment about ammunition for them. But I also think you should keep on singing!

Barbara said...

I laugh, sing, talk to myself (usually about tailgaters or politics) the entire time I'm driving, depending on what I am listening to at the moment.
Now today, I had two tailgaters during a 20 minute drive. Doing nothing. No singing, no talking, just in a hurry. What's up with that? We were only going 40 too. Hurry to get to the next light, bridge (we have a lot of those in Florida) a couple seconds ahead of me. Big deal.
Driving is such fun, isn't it?

Cristin said...

I had some ass hole up my arse the other night... during a SNOW STORM. Seriously, like me and my little Corolla are gonna gun it down the hilly twisty road with 4 inches of snow on it...notsomuch jerkoff.

Erin P said...

I hate it too. I swear some people have no concept of safe following distance!
But singing is a must; in my opinion, anything you do in your car is in your own little world...if others don't like it, they shouldn't look!

Nishant said...

There is nothing that will make an idiot back off faster than a spray of 3 day old coffee all over his nice whit Beemer!

Work from home India

Reader Wil said...

Very hilarious story! I was riveted in my chair reading it and wanting to know how you managed to get rid of the tailgater! We call them bumperstickers.LOL.( Though they are annoying!)
Have a great weekend!BTW How is the little girl Elizabeth Pitts doing?

Debbie said...

There is a huge difference between you and the guy behind you. We like you!

smiles4u said...

:) LOL You make your commute sound so fun :) and my 35-45 minute(depends on tractors or ice or snow being on the road) drive down country roads pretty boring. But when I do drive in the cities or freeway I hate people riding my ass! Happy weekend! XX

Anonymous said...

I belt it out in my car all the time. For some reason, I don't think that anyone can see me. HAHAHA!

Anonymous said...

Singing in the car is the only place I feel safe and like no one can see me.

Tresa said...

Sing...sing a song...sing out loud, sing out strong. Don't worry that you're not good enough for anyone else to hear...just sing...sing a song (ahh...Karen Carpenter, I miss her)

Tony Letts said...

So annoying aren't they? I like to flick my lights or fog lights on and off to look like I'm braking - this usually worries them enough to get them to drop back

jeanmac said...

Too funny

Vodka Mom said...

i am ALWAYS singing in the car. It's the only place I can do it without getting yelled at!!

MilesPerHour said...

I have found myself in very similar situations-lol.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

The world is a fun and funny place. Loved the singing out loud.

HATE tailgaters. I take my foot off the gas every so slightly and then some until they back the F off.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

I'm sure your singing while driving style was totally classy. Not like the tailgater, he style was just plain obnoxious.

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

Too darned funny! :) I always sing while I am driving..and hate to admit this..but I THINK, not sure, but I THINK .....I make gestures...(heaven help me, Ill never do it again!)
Cute story and enlightening, at least to me! :)
In my case it's worse. Old, gray haired, going way too slow for some, making gestures while singing?? Not to mention driving a pickup!
I'm probably lucky someone hasn't killed me by now because out here in California...NO tolerance at all!! NONE!

Beth Niquette said...

I was giggling my head off by the end of your story...that is SO hilarious!!!

I needed that laugh this morning--thank you from the pottom of my pea pickin' heart!

injaynesworld said...

You need to have a neon sign that reads "Back Off Asshole" mounted at the bottom of your rear window that you can operate from a button on your dash. How fun would that be? Poor bastards would probably wet themselves and then drive off the road, but I bet they wouldn't tailgate anymore.