HAPPY “@#$%&*” BIRTHDAY

The big day has finally arrived and as you read this, I’m probably still in bed with the covers pulled over my head, curled into a fetal position saying, “I don’t want to grow up!  I don’t want to grow up!”  But grow up, I must, or so they tell me. 

For the sake of humanity and the smell of Peppermint Mocha, I will crawl out of bed.  I will put on my big girl panties and suck it up.  I will soldier on armed with fuzzy socks and a very large glass of wine.  And I will do this for you.  Yes, YOU! 

It occurred to me over the past few weeks while searching for meaning and purpose in my life that the title of this blog promises “words of  wisdom” and it’s high time I start delivering the merchandise.  And so a plan started to develop:

As the self-appointed QUEEN OF EVERYTHING, I am quite certain that I do……know it ALL!  And what I don’t know, I am more than happy to make up.  It is in this spirit that I wish for you to benefit from my wisdom, my experience and my general knowitalliness.  I hereby  swear   promise   plan   hope to post a tidbit of wisdom here every day of my 50th year. (And before someone smarty points it out, I already know that it is technically my 51st year.  GEESH, you are pushing my buttons!”)  It is my hope that you will come to rely on these pages as your go-to source for life rules.  It will be a sacrifice, sure.  My family will once again grow accustomed to being ignored while I compose little pearls of wisdom for the “masses”.  Not to worry.  I live only to serve. 

What?  You don’t think you can take life advice from a woman who whispers to goats and will believe in Santa Claus until the day she dies?  SHUT UP!  I CANNOT handle turning fifty and rejection too! You just keep those thoughts to yourself and I will continue to live in the dream.  Listen!  I need purpose here, people!  This is the deal:  I post the gems that are truly words to live by and you continue to pretend to follow my advice and nobody gets hurt.  OK?


Stay tuned for the first life lesson tomorrow.  What?  You thought I was going to give you a tip today?  Forget that.  It’s my birthday.  I’m taking the day off. 

Love and Kisses,
SMB

AT THE BEGINNING, OF COURSE

My head is spinning.  I have so many things to talk about. (Not the least of which is how ending a sentence with a preposition has become commonplace not only in everyday conversation but also used frequently by my favorite authors.  So I’m thinking…….if it’s good for the goose……well….you know.) 

Now that we’ve established the fact that I’m no longer going to squirm in my seat at the utterance of a grammatical error, there are more critical topics to discuss.  Almost two years ago I established this blog with a brilliant plan.  I would blab perfect nonsense about my life, my observations and philosophies all under the pretense of dispensing wisdom into the interwebbiworld.  Hoping, of course, that you would comment back with your undeniable ingenuity, insight and intellect and I would benefit from  free therapy   your advice.  ……..And it has worked like a charm.   Thank you very much. 

I see no reason at this point to make any changes to the business plan. 

That being said, there are so many problems to solve, important issues to discuss, revolutions to start…..but where to begin?  Unemployment rates, the BP oil disaster, the ugliest shoe trends in the history of women’s fashion?  Pro-life, pro-choice, world peace?  The rising cost of chicken breast?  What is that about?  Where do we start?

At the beginning, of course. 

Maybe you’ve noticed my absenteeism over the past few months.  It seems that real life keeps getting in the way.  And that would be great if the interruptions were caused by the FUN STUFF.  Sadly, that is not the case.  My life has become a task-driven monotony.  One great, big, long to-do list.  I keep finding myself thinking that “when this is all over I’m going to __________” (fill in the blank with the FUN STUFF).  It has slowly dawned on me that “this” is never going to be over and I better start enjoying the journey or the only accomplishments I will have made in my life are those little check marks in my task list.  *Curse you, Microsoft Outlook!*

I guess I’m a bit of a slow learner.  The end of this year will mark a very significant anniversary of my birth:  I’ll be …..49….again.  *Ahem*  It’s time to wake up and smell the freshly-ground Hazelnut flavored coffee!   Get with the program.  Get on the stick.  Just do it.  And all that crap. 

Right here.  Right now. 

The TO-DO list be damned.  I’m going to start smelling the roses.  All I need is some advice…..from you.   We may need to create a 12-step program for this.  Check-lists anonymous?  What do you do to break away from the tasks at hand?  Do you make sure that you’re taking the time to LIVE your life and not just spin your wheels?  Or are you in the same boat with me?  

Let’s start enjoying this journey called life.  Let’s work together to ensure that we are getting the most out of whatever time we have here on earth.  Let’s squeeze out every bit of joy that we can. 

Who’s with me?

OK, here’s where you do your part:  You comment back to me with your wise counsel, I benefit from said counsel, you get to feel good about doing something for another human being and the plan is a success.   Ready…..set…..GO!

RULES TO LIVE BY

I’m a rule maker and a rule breaker. For most of my life, I’ve followed the rules. I’m a people pleaser. I don’t like to disappoint. I like to have a clear conscience when I lay my head on that most uncomfortable pillow in the world at night. As I’ve gotten older (and we ALL know I’m getting older) I tend to bend, twist, jiggle and downright disregard the rules if they don’t suit me. And sometimes, I like to make them up. These are but a few of the rules with which I was raised and still follow or I made up on my own.

1. Never eat more than two cookies at one time. However cookie dough may be eaten by the bowls.

2. Never give a wallet or a handbag as a gift without money in it (even if it’s just a penny). It’s bad luck.

3. Always smile and wave hello to someone passing by on your street. Friendly is better.

4. Always take at least a bite of birthday cake when offered. To do otherwise is like unwishing a happy birthday.

5. A dill pickle must be served with a grilled cheese. It is the law. I have mentioned this one here before but it bears repeating.

6. Never cheat at cards, board games, love or life.

7. Never lie. Omitting the truth is a viable option. Lying about one’s age, real hair color or your weight is an acceptable exception to the rule.

8. Never touch Mommy’s stash of dark chocolate hidden way back in the freezer.

9. If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. And if Daddy ain’t happy, ain’t nobody cares.

10. Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.

What are your rules?

Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad

LUCY, MOTHER EXTRAORDINAIRE

Today is the five year anniversary of the day my mother, Lucy, died. (If you're new to this blog, I should explain that Lucy was not her real name) Oh, God, I miss her. There were so many things that I wanted to do today to honor her memory but now that the day is here………I'm struggling just to keep it together. I'm in a puddle and let me tell you this: Lucy would have NONE of that. She would give me a swift kick in the arse and say, "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

When Lucy was told that her cancer had spread to her lymph nodes and she would have to have chemotherapy treatments. Do you know what the first thing out of her mouth was? "Great! Maybe I'll lose my hair and they'll let me play for the Pacers." Apparently she had some confusion about the qualifications required to be drafted into the NBA. However, if allowed to join the team, she would have made a huge contribution to turning around their reputation. And I'm sure that some of them would most certainly have gotten a swat with that belt she kept in a kitchen drawer for just that purpose. Life lesson #1: When life gives you lemons………give 'em the raspberries!

When it became clear that the chemotherapy was not working, Hospice was called in. The local Hospice organization has a strict policy that a new patient will be visited within twenty-four hours of being admitted to the program. An appointment was set for 2pm the next afternoon. We received a call around 1:50pm that the Hospice nurse was running a little late with another patient and wouldn't be able to be there until 4pm. Lucy, who was in a great deal of pain at the time, knowing that the nurse would bring relief, said, "Tell her to come tomorrow. The Cubs are playing at 4 and I'm not going to miss it." They stressed that it is their policy to visit the patient within twenty-four hours but Lucy didn't care about their policies. The Cubs were were going to the playoffs. Life lesson #2: A girl's gotta have her priorities.

A few weeks later out of the blue, Lucy asks me to go through her underwear drawer and throw everything away. At that point she was wearing a hospital gown and couldn't tolerate the elastic of panties around her waist. I thought this was a little odd. But I did it. As I look back this was the only time that Lucy came close to acknowledging to any of us that she wasn't going to survive the battle. I have no idea why it was so important to her to take care of this little task when there were so many more important things to do but this was her wish. I was happy to indulge her in whatever gave her any pleasure or peace.

Earlier that year, my father had bought Lucy a laptop for her birthday. She got sick shortly after that and had barely used the new computer. At the time, I was travelling to their house every weekend. I would work 4 days and spend the next three at my parents' home. One day she asked me to pick up a case for her laptop. I had no idea why she thought she needed a case but I said that I would get one. Week after week I would travel the 200 miles back and forth. Each week, she would ask if I got the case yet. I told her that I hadn't had time. I was trying to take care of my family in the four days that I was home, work a full-time job and then spend every weekend away from home. It was a little stressful and frankly, I just blew off her request because I KNEW that she had no use for a laptop case. But she persisted. I had to bite my tongue not to snap at her, "Why the hell do you need a case for your damn laptop! You don't even wear underwear!" I had this cartoon vision in my head of her running down the street carrying her briefcase and wearing her hospital gown with her bum flapping in the breeze.

Eventually Lucy's pain became so uncontrollable that she was admitted to the Hospice Care Center. This was the best thing that could have happened. Having 24 hour care to control her pain was exactly what she needed.

I drove up the day she was admitted. Feeling a little guilty, I stopped along the way to pick up the laptop case she wanted. She had been very specific about what to get too. She wanted lots of pockets to stash things. She wanted slots so that papers could be kept organized. I just looked at her with that "What the…….." look that I'm famous for. Upon my arrival at the care center, I handed her the new case eagerly awaiting the pleasure it would give her. She barely looked at it. She thanked me and said to put it in the closet. She never even looked to see that it had all the features she had requested. I was more than a little confused and disappointed.

We had no idea at the time but the staff at the care center didn't think Lucy would make it through the night. Lucy was a lot of things but predictable was not one of them. She was always full of surprises. That was October 31^st.

It's important to point out here that my employer was the driving force that allowed me to neglect my responsibilities and remain with my mother where I belonged. My boss told me that she didn't care what was neglected as long as the money kept coming in so that she could remain in practice. I am responsible for all the billing in our practice. Hospice set me up with an internet connection. Work was faxed, mailed and hand-delivered to me by co-workers and my boss who would drive up to visit my mom. I was able to keep all the billing up to date and the rest……………..well, it just had to wait. Believe me; I know how fortunate I am to be employed by such a loving and generous woman. This is the reason that even when she drives me completely mad, I remain in her employ. Loyalty, compassion and generosity like that are rare.

I didn't own a laptop. Mom's laptop that she had asked for but never used became the sole reason that I was able to remain with her and still fulfill my work responsibilities. And that laptop case………………the one with all the pockets and file slots………………..yeah, that one. It sure came in handy to keep my work organized.

Say what you will, but I believe that was God working through my mother to give me what I needed so that I could do what I had to do. Life lesson #3: Things are not always as they appear.