Tuesday, December 7, 2010


…….OR BITE ME – (You choose.)


I’m about to “celebrate” a big birthday.  Yeah….THAT one.  And so far, I’m not dealing with the idea very well.  I’ve never been one to be bothered by the passing of another age milestone: 

Thirty?  I was THRIVING.  Didn’t phase me.

Forty?  Lordy, this is fun.  Bring it on.

But FIFTY?  In the last few months, the decline in my physical, mental and emotional well-being is snow-balling at a break-my flippin’-neck pace.  The eye-sight is going fast.  Everything hurts.  And I hear they are planning to give my arse its own zip code soon.

I guess part of the problem is that as Martina McBride would say, “Every morning when I drink my coffee, I can’t believe my life has turned out this way.”  That’s not to say that I’m not blessed.  Certainly I am.  And by contrast, when I compare my life to some, I admit that I feel a little ashamed of myself for whining.  But whining and/or wining makes me feel better, Dammick! 

As the self-appointed Queen of Everything, one might think that I would be above such triviality.  It’s really just a number after all.  But it’s  a really BIG number.   Waaaaaaaa.

I’ve never been one to make a plan.  In fact, bad things happen when I make plans, so I just don’t make them. I choose to live my life by the seat of my pants.  I play it by ear.  I go with the flow.  Whichever way the wind blows me.  I really hope you get the idea here because I seem to be out of clichés.  (And I never thought that could happen.)

I’m afraid that my lack of planning has left me feeling that I have lived without purpose.  Could it be that I was meant to do more than spread good cheer and nonsense wherever I go?  Is this it?  I mean after half a century, I should be able to look back and say, “WOW!  Look at all I’ve accomplished!”   Is it too late to take stock?  Perhaps a nice midlife crisis would do the trick but I don’t have time for that!   

I have to do something……even if it’s wrong.  Surely there is something I can do that will put me on the path to self fulfillment and enlightenment.  I’ve listed some possibilities:

  • I could run away and join the circus.  I’m pretty sure I would make a really great trapeze artist.  (Do those costumes come in extra large?)
  • I could join the Peace Corps.  (Except I heard they send you to countries that have no cheese!)
  • I’ve given serious consideration to becoming an alcoholic but I keep forgetting to keep drinking after one glass of wine. 
  • I could move to the beach and sell velvet Elvis paintings by the shore.  (a life-long dream of mine)
  • CIA?  Covert Operative?  I AM an excellent markswoman.   I could do great things with a sniper rifle and work out my midlife frustrations at the same time.  Nah, I can never keep a secret.  *sigh* 

Will SMB survive the BIG ONE?  Stay tuned. 


Life in the mom lane said...

I turned 50 a year and a half ago and felt exactly the same way you do. I'm here to tell ya it isn't as bad as it sounds...I too have had health issues but you just deal with them... the nice thing you will find is people will look at you and go "you're 50? No way!" that helps! ;)

Anonymous said...

I vote for selling velvet Elvis paintings only because it's at the beach where you love to be.

Happy Birthday TO YOU.. Welcome to the 50's club.


Lori said...

I tend to think that spreading your happy cheer and sense of humor wherever you go is quite the gift and a gift you give to others. I think as long as you keep this sense of humor you will be just fine. 50 is just around the corner for me and dear lord the way this body and mind has been falling apart this past year I can relate to your thoughts on this.

You have to be quite proud of some of your accomplishments...staying happily married to your sweetheart...raising 2 beautiful smart daughters..both of these are grand accomplishments in my book.

Happy Birthday sweet funny lady. ((((SMB))))

tulpen said...

Happy Birthday!!

I could give you some tips on getting to that second, third, fourth, glass of wine.

Jules said...

@ years your senior I can tell you pace yourself. It is not that bad and we were wine NO one could afford us. :)

And your choices...
The circus is filing bankruptcy.
No one can live without cheese!
What was #3, I'm drinking too early.
Velvet Elvis seems cool.
CIA still has possibilities, they can't keep a secret either. :)

Happy Birthday!
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

MLS said...

You'll not only survive but you'll bloom (and I'm not talking about your butt here) and your beauty will shine even brighter. I was hit pretty hard by fifty and that was....uhmm....*some* years ago and I wish I could tell you it gets better but I actually think you just come to terms with it and go on about your business. The good news is, AARP will keep you busy bugging the crap out of you and spending millions sending you stuff and the even better news is, you get to a point where you're actually looking forward to 65 when you can get on Medicare and/or draw your SS and retire.

It's all a mind over matter game but i do have to say that I believe you left another choice off your list. Shouldn't there have been a "Meet MLS in the middle and both of us run away to Costa Rica and enjoy the rest of our life being served by studly cabana boys bearing good wine"?

Yes, I believe you inadvertently left off that option. HUGS

Midlife(sucks)Slices said...

p.s. I've put my blog on private but only because I haven't posted in months and months and I don't want to worry about my stuff floating into the wrong hands. :)

Linda said...

I turn 50 in September. Maybe it's because I'm the youngest in my group of friends but I'm not too worked up about it. (Ask me again in August!) I think of it as an initiation into a very cool club:)

Linda said...

Oh! Can I get in on the "Meet MLS AND SMB in the middle and both of us run away to Costa Rica and enjoy the rest of our life being served by studly cabana boys bearing good wine"? Please?

Brian Miller said...

i vote for the circus idea...age is relative you know...live it up!

only a movie said...

Happy Birthday, friend. You will find something special to do. Spreading silliness and flying by the seat of your pants is just fine by me...

Other half just went through this 'what have I to show for it?' line of thought when he turned 50 last month.

I have a few years to go - wonder how it will hit me?

Hang in there. xoxoxo

goodfather said...

I almost snorted my dentures out when I read your subtitle. Yeah, bite me. I feel that. I'm on the cusp of 50 too, and I feel like Keanu Reeves in Speed, subway train controls all shot to hell, no options left:

I'm gonna speed it up.

Here's hopin' for a BIG ASS BASH!!

Arkansas Patti said...

Don't forget to wear sunblock when you sell your Elvis paintings. The sun has magic powers to create wrinkles.
If it helpes any, I'd trade you in a heart beat, you are such a puppy yet.

Pastor Sharon said...

Okay, sell all you have, give it to the poor. Then move to Florida. Next take stock in those velvet Elvis paintings. Put up a tent on the beach . . . and wallah!!!!

You've done charity work, you've moved to the retirement state early. You took stock in something. And you still get to fulfill your life long dream!

I love it!

tera said...

I don't see what's wrong with spreading good cheer and nonsense. We need that, these days. That being said - I vote for Cirque du Soliel - at least it's a classy circus! :)
(I actually considered doing just that before meeting Secret Agent Man. Not to be an acrobat, but to sing with their chorus. It's probably a good thing I didn't.)

Gaston Studio said...

I rolled right past the big 50 and then the big 60 and am looking forward to the big 70 -- next week, I'm 69. Doesn't that number conjour up some delightful images!

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

Will you survive the BIG one? SMB, you haven't even begun to see the BIG one. 75 is staring me in the face in 2011. And then comes the HUGE, well, I can't even say it! Talk about your BiG one's!!! (gulp!) Might as well climb in and lay down and save everyone the trouble of trying to carry me!
Hugs..and good luck, Sweetie!!
(so...did I make you feel better? :)

Tony Letts said...

FFS ! It's just a perspective. Try looking at it from my 64 years of age. It's certainly not too late to take stock. Sorry to pimp my blog but this one got rave reviews and it looks like you need help so try


Oh and I checked - your arse does have its own zip code lol

Midlife Jobhunter said...

I can teach you how to drink past one glass of wine. Probably not your best example.

Purpose? We're supposed to have a purpose?