Sunday, September 27, 2009

I'm Back!......but just for a second

My "soul-mate", Otin, (I would link to the post that explains that but I'm writing this from the back of a Harley in Indiana) is so distraught over my disappearance from the blogoshere that he has hijacked my blog for ransom. I could either pay him in chocolate chip cookies (like I'd share those...) Or I could have him guest post on my blog so at least the lights are still on and it's not dark here in smbland. Poor Otin, He misses me. Awwwww.

The answer was a no brainer (because I ain't sharin' cookies). Otin is a gifted writer and if I still have any readers out there, I know you will not be disappointed. I have given Otin the keys to the kingdom and did not read what he has written before posting. I only asked that he didn't get me in trouble with Daddy since he reads this blog.

Without further ado, I give you, Otin, the Wizard:

Lost In Suburbia

Tommy stood on the traffic island and watched as the cars drove past in both directions. Although he was elderly, he still felt that he was pretty smart, but this morning he was confused. He had taken a walk and had made a few unfamiliar turns , and now found himself completely lost. How could he spend his entire life in one town and be clueless as to where he now stood?

He crossed the street and headed down Maplewood drive. Tommy knew that he had been on Maplewood before, but could not recall when. Old age was really biting him in the ass! As he walked down Maplewood, he began to absorb the world around him. He had never looked at things the way that he was viewing them on this day.

He watched a mother screaming at her child. “Get your ass in this fucking house!” she had yelled. Tommy felt such pity for the young boy, to have to grow up like that.

He saw a police car parked in a driveway and a couple in handcuffs being escorted out of their house. He wondered what they had done? This was a nice looking neighbor hood.

Tommy proceeded down Maplewood and turned right on Simmons street. As he headed down Simmons street, he noticed that the houses got smaller and more run down, but what he really noticed was that while Maplewood was mostly white families, that Simmons street was mostly black. It was funny to him how he had never paid attention to this before. As a matter of fact, in his entire life, this was the first time that he had been down Simmons Street, he was sure of that. It seemed awfully strange in a world that was supposedly not segregated anymore.

He had gotten some strange looks , but then he had gotten strange looks everywhere that he had gone. He even had a police car slow down as it passed, but no one really seemed to care that he was lost and wandering.

Tommy turned off onto Park Lane and walked for about 15 minutes and came back into a more affluent neighborhood. He walked by a school. It must have been lunch time because there were tons of kids milling about. He noticed two kids in particular, dressed in black. The one boy lifted up his shirt to show the other one a pistol that he had in his belt. He did not know what to make of this, his mind was a bit fuzzy. All that he wanted to do was to find his home. He was starting to panic.

The park was the next thing that he passed. He saw some Mothers gathered around a picnic table, while their young children played on the swings and see saws. Tommy wondered why the man in the van would be interested in watching young kids play?

He ended up in the downtown area where he saw some young man in a suit talking with someone who looked like he had not seen a shower in a month. The man in the suit handed the other man some money, in exchange for a tiny baggie with a tiny bit of powder in it. Tommy thought that this was strange, he definitely had lived a sheltered life.

He passed the Veterans hospital, where a one legged gentleman smiled at him and asked him if he was lost. All of the people that he had passed, and the one guy that was willing to help was the one who had given so much already. It was really uplifting. He declined the help and kept walking. He would never admit to being lost.

Tommy walked a bit more and spotted Trotters Drive. He remembered it! He had found his street! It is a tough thing when you question your own mind. He walked until he found the yellow Victorian house that he had lived his whole life in.

Sandy and David ran out of the door screaming with joy, “Tommy, where have you been?”

He was home, he was happy, and he never wanted to be lost again. He began to wag his tail and ran up to Sandy and began to lick her face.

“Down, boy!”, David commanded in a happy voice. He clicked a leash on Tommy’s collar and led him into the back yard.
The End

Thank You SMB, for the trust and friendship!

Monday, September 14, 2009



If you are a regular here in SMBland, you have probably noticed that my posts are becoming less frequent.  It’s become quite clear to me in the last month or so that I’ve been neglecting way too much for way too long.  So for now at least, I am done blogging. 

I’ve met so many great people who have really awesome blogs.  Some are truly gifted writers, some have a talent for telling a great tale, some are funny, some are sad, some make you feel like you’re swapping life stories over a cup of coffee or cocktails.  You’ve  entertained, enchanted and enlightened me.  I had no idea when I started this adventure that I would make new friends.  But real friendships have developed and I cherish those friendships.  I will miss you all terribly.  You’ve become a part of my life so don’t be surprised if you see a comment every now and then from SMB.  I won’t be able to visit everyday but I will still be around.

I’m not deleting this blog.  I may return someday.  Maybe next week.  Maybe next month.  A year or two?  Who knows.  The only thing I know for certain is that I don’t know anything for certain.

I want to thank you all for the love and support you’ve given me since I started blogging a little over a year ago. 

If by chance, you miss my words of wisdom or need to consult me on some life altering decision, *wink* you can email me or occasionally find me on twitter.

For now, let’s just say:

Adios…. Au revoir……. Adieu…… Auf Wiedersehen……… Aloha…… Til we meet again



I love you guys, you are the best! 

Smart Mouth Broad

Wednesday, September 9, 2009



Last week My Harley Stud was suffering from Vertigo. Oddly enough, it didn’t make him romantic like the movie by the same name. In fact, he was pretty cranky. It seems the more his head was spinning, the more heads he wanted to bite off.

The condition proceeded to worsen and I became concerned. I mean, who likes having their head bit off all the time? MHS was experiencing a spinning room each time he laid down or got up. He also had this problem from looking up and to the right.

I consulted my employer doctor. While some might think that asking a breast surgeon about vertigo might not be advised, she is my go-to source for all things medical. She suggested that I take MHS to a Neuro Otolaryngologist. What? That’s quite a mouthful for a dizzy doctor. I, of course, scoffed at the idea. I was certain that his dizziness was related to the neck pain that preceded it because you know I received a medical degree from watching ER for several seasons. I just knew he needed to see an orthopedist or a neurosurgeon or possibly even a chiropractor. Nevertheless, I made the appt with the neuro-otowhatchamacallitist because my boss gets very offended when she gives free medical advise that isn’t heeded.

I always accompany MHS to his doctor visits because he is terrible about relaying the information after the appointment. If I want to know….I’ve got to go.

The doctor was able to reproduce MHS’s vertigo by laying him down. He looked at MHS and said, “I can see in your eyes that the room is spinning now, isn’t it?”

My jaw dropped.

He brought him back up and looked into his eyes again. “Oh yeah, you’ve definitely got it.”

I asked, “ You could see it in his eyes?”

He replied, “I’ll show you all about that in just a minute. The good news is that there is no medicine that will cure this condition but we do have a treatment here in the office that we can do right now. Most people have complete relief with one to three treatments but it can take up to 10.”

He asked us to follow him into another room. Once in the room, we were staring at a contraption that looked like something you would pay to go on for entertainment at a fair.

spinning steve2

I apologize that this picture is so small but I took it with MHS’s phone and if I enlarge, it gets blurry.

So, MHS was strapped in for the ride of his life securely and is equipped with what amounts to a headband with a camera focused on his eye. (You can see his eye in that video monitor to the right of the doctor.)

Due to the headband, MHS couldn’t see me so I announced to him that I was taking pictures. I was hoping for a nice smile but was rewarded with a special finger salute that is just starting in the above photo.

spinning steve

I would have taken more photos for your viewing pleasure but just as soon as the doctor got him upside down, he called me over to watch the movement of MHS’s eye. It was so cool, I completely forgot about the camera. You could actually see his eye moving in a kind of circular motion. The doctor turned him upside down three times for about 30-60 seconds each. Each time the reaction of his eye was less and completely resolved by the last spin. I was in awe. My Harley Stud, on the other hand was not as amused as he was the one dumped on his head with all the blood rushing to his head making his eyes want to pop out of their sockets. He came out of it with a headache but minus the vertigo. So cool!

The procedure is called the Canalith Repositioning Procedure. It will not treat all types of vertigo but worked like a charm for MHS’s problem. He has had no problem with vertigo since. He even canceled his follow-up appointment (with the doctor’s permission).

If you or a loved one ever have the misfortune to suffer from benign paroxysmal positional vertigo, MHS and I highly recommend trying this procedure.

Or maybe next time, we’ll just take a trip to Disney World and ride the "ROCKIN’ ROLLERCOASTER”.

Smart Mouth Broad


Bild_News Apparently it’s a slow news day in Palm Beach County. I was watching the local news tonight while preparing dinner and this is what I heard:

A local man has placed a personal ad in the paper to find a girlfriend. Not so odd, you might think. It’s for his dog. Yes, it seems that Buster has decided he needs a soul-mate. He is ready to settle down and start a family. He is even ready to start sharing his toys.

I gave My Harley Stud that look that makes me look like a confused Boxer. You know the one that makes that awful wrinkle in the middle of my forehead. No? …….Anyway…… I said, “That is just wrong on so many levels.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mushy faced pooches more than life itself but seriously?

First: Isn’t this big, burly guy just a little embarrassed to go on television to announce that he is playing matchmaker for his tiny dog? I mean, My Harley Stud is a sucker for our 10lb Shih Tsu but if he was on television, he wouldn’t give her the time of day. It would ruin his image, right?

Second: Why is this newsworthy?

Third: I was just about to go into my third reason when I decided I should text our friend, Mr. Lolly at the news station. Mr. Lolly is a part of the local news team and I thought it would be fun to give him my Smart Mouth opinion about such an important piece of journalism being broadcast from his studio when it occurred to me…..I’m going about this all wrong!

As a BONIFIED member of the Pollyanna Cheer Club, isn’ t this exactly what I wish and pray for? Good news. Surely Buster’s search for true love being aired today means that we had less killing, theft, raping and pillaging going on here in Palm Beach County. Could it be that no one was arrested for wearing their jeans too low. No refugees washed up on shore? No manatees were harmed by boaters today? No drive-by shootings? I like this kind of broadcast. Please forgive my former cynical attitude (shame on me) and bring on the sunshine. I could get used to this.

Maybe tomorrow’s news will be good too. I can’t wait to see what happens. I might even start to watch more than the weather.

Couldn’t we all use a little Good news today?


Smart Mouth Broad

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


In recent weeks this blog was attacked by what appeared to be a "sex spammer". I'm not really sure what the term is for this activity so I made that up. I chose to ignore it and move on. However in the last 24 hours, I've been hit allegedy by 3 different sex spammers and on multiple posts.

I would love to spin this into a funny story but unfortunately I can't even read their language, not to mention that I'm too tired and annoyed to even try. You see I get an email on my phone each time a comment is left here. And these little sex spammers have very quick fingers. If you are a regular reader here you know that my old blackberry and I have had a rough weekend. I don't think it's nice to put the poor thing thru any unnecessary vibration, do you?

Therefore, I have sadly reactivated the word veri in hopes that it will stop the madness that is sex spamming. Personally I hate the inconvenience of word veri but if it serves this particular purpose, I will keep it. If not, I'll remove it and I will be forced to muster up my superpowers to rid this world of all sexy spam. Frankly, I hope the word veri works because after a long weekend, I'm really tired.

Smart Mouth Broad

Sunday, September 6, 2009


It’s official. I’m an idiot. Who knew, right? Yeah, yeah, I hear you out there uttering, “No surprise to me. I knew that from hello.” Yeah, well……..oh never mind, I’m so flippin’ frustrated, I can’t even come up with a comeback to your SMARTMOUTH remark. *sigh*

I think that I mentioned about a month ago my beloved blackberry was killed in a freak accident that involved a bottle of water, a flying library book and a pick-up truck. A new blackberry was purchased and just as I was beginning to bond and really get close with my new device……………………..another freakish disaster developed. Don’t ask me how it happened but my precious electronic dream was found making one heck of a racket in my washing machine…….with a load of whites. Now if you think water is bad for electronics, try adding detergent and bleach. Aigggghhhhhhh!

You know the damn thing is called a “smartphone”. Wouldn’t you think it would know how to swim?

Thanks to the miracle that is twitter, I was surrounded with beaucoup sympathy and even some advice. MrsK suggested I put the device in a bowl of rice overnight. That did dry it out some and the light comes on but alas no real signs of life.

I pulled out my old blackberry that was murdered by the water bottle and LO and BEHOLD, the darn thing worked just fine………………for about five minutes. Then the keyboard decided that it wanted to type 2s and 5s regardless of the commands I gave. It finally completely refused to respond to any command at all. Stupid, stubborn “smartphone.”

My Harley Stud cleaned it with alcohol and by the next morning, it was working again like a dream. Oh sure, every once in awhile it refuses to cooperate but for the most part, it’s working. That’s MUCH better than paying full retail for a new one. I will live with the inconvenience of it’s stubborn drama queen moments. It is after all a genius in a box and with genius comes moody, manic behavior. Everybody knows that.

All weekend long I’ve been thinking that I’m living in Blackberry Hell. This reminds me of Tim Wilson. He is a guilty pleasure of mine. Tim is a good ole boy. I must warn you, he is politically incorrect but I think he is a comic genius.

MHS and I still haven’t given up on the very clean blackberry. He has submerged it in alcohol and we now have it sitting in rice for the next month. While I live out my weekend in Blackberry Hell, please allow me to introduce you to my friend, Tim Wilson who is living his own personal hell.

Smart Mouth Broad

Friday, September 4, 2009


Things are a whirlwind of chaos at the SMB household. Let it suffice to say, it REALLY is Labor Day weekend. Because labor is all that is happening around here.

I got this in an email from Daisy and thought you might enjoy it.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Smart Mouth Broad