FOR THE RECORD

“I say what I mean and I mean what I say.”



So when I say cookie, it might mean a glass of wine.  Or it could mean ice cream.
 
I have been know to say cookie and mean an ice-cold Corona with lime.  A cookie could even mean shrimp scampi over linguini.

COOKIE = anything that I consider a treat.

The dogs know that when I say, “Do you want a cookie?”, they are really getting a dog biscuit or one of those little rubber meat treats.

It’s really very simple.

Just so we’re clear…….

“I say what I mean and I mean what I say.”


Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad

EVEN WHEN YOU FALL FLAT ON YOUR FACE

……You progress at least five feet.  Six for some people.

Failure.  Utter and complete failure.  This is what I’ve experienced.  *sigh*

I created this blog almost two years ago upon realizing that I am up midlife creek without a xanax.  Suddenly, I am no longer the kid in the room but instead am often referred to as the old lady.  (Seems some people have forgotten their Southern manners.)  Amid accusations from my physician of pre-menopause, pre-diabetes, pre-hypertension and pre-meditated murder, it was also suggested that losing a few pounds would definitely be in my best interest.  Well, I never!……..yeah, right.  Like that was a news flash.  Just because I weigh more than I did at nine months pregnant…….Crap!  Did I just say that out loud?  Let’s just forget that I mentioned that little tidbit, OK?

Anyway, the point is that we are two years down the road and where am I?  Right here mired in the same muck, that’s where. 

Ever the cock-eyed optimist, I’m not giving up.  Quit is not in my vocabulary but I am stuck. 

Things were going well until Thanksgiving.  Yes, I know that was months ago.  And I’ve used the past few months to completely undo any progress I’ve made. 

Let’s review:

• I was exercising regularly.
• I was eating healthy.
• I was taking the handfuls of supplements that my physician recommended.
• I turned my bloodwork around and in fact became the poster child for fish oil.

Then the holidays came and went and with them went my will power.  Life became more stressful and I caved.  There has been some un-be-loggable happenings going on at work. And we all know that the economy has struck fear in the hearts of every home in America, mine being no exception.  And so a reward/consolation system was established.

• Have a bad day at work = have a cookie
• Have a great day at work?  Celebrate = have a cookie
• Car trouble = cookie
• broken nail = definitely cookie time!
• Daughter #1 gets great job = cookies all around
• Daughter #2 gets into the major of her dreams = you got it….cookies….with sprinkles!

And so you see the problem.

I want to move forward in a positive way.  I want to lose weight, eat right, exercise and become the best SMB I can be…….and all that crap I said in my very first blog post here two years ago but where to start?

Low fat?  Low Carb?   Raw?  Points?  Zones?  Whole grains?  Botox?  Kick box?  (See how I rhymed there?  Brian will be so proud.)  Or just ditch it all and have plastic surgery.  A body replacement.  They can do that now, right? 

What to do?  I’m at a loss.  I’m turning to you, my trusted friends.  Where to begin…again?

I’m waiting………….

IT’S SASS, RIGHT? YOU’RE SASSIN’ ME.

I’ve got SASS.  It’s a real condition that I made up.  YES.IT.IS!  Would I lie to you? 

SASS is Short Attention Span Syndrome.  I have trouble focusing.  I struggle with staying on task.  I have difficulty remembering little things………and big things…….and medium size things. *sigh*

I’ve even had trouble remembering that I have a blog post to write.  Could you tell?  No?  And here I thought I was the center of the universe.  Hmmmm? 

It occurred to me recently that I’ve been remiss in my duties here.  I mean…..the name of this blog promises words of wisdom, right?  You come here seeking brilliant insight, advice and the benefit of incredible life experience and what do you get?  BACON!  But bacon is so good.  I really do love bacon.

So to make up for the nonsense and the absence I’ve decided that a PSA is in order.

You may be walking around with SASS and not even realize it.  Not to worry.  I am here for you.  As a survivor of SASS, I can make you aware of the symptoms of the “condition” and if you find that you too suffer from SASS, I have the secret that will make it all better.  But first things first.  The symptoms:

• Do you find yourself looking at your crackberry for the time but instead you see that you have an email.  You read the email, write and send your response, put the crackberry back into your pocket or handbag only to get it out again 30 seconds later to see the time but are distracted and check out facebook instead?  And the cycle continues……..(Maybe I should get a watch.)
• Do you find yourself chanting, “Don’t forget to pick up milk, the drycleaning, the mail, the pregnancy test results, the children.  Don’t forget to pick up the children.”  ……….and then forget anyway.
• Why doesn’t the “Who Do You Think You Are” show call me?  I’m certain my ancestry would be interesting.  You don’t come up with a piece of work such as myself by just one apple falling off the tree to the wrong side of the fence, you know.   It takes a whole orchard of wayward apples.  Wait!  That’s not a symptom…………….or is it?  See what I mean.  Focus, people.  Focus!
• Do you nod and smile and pretend to be listening when a coworker is talking while you mentally make your grocery list only to realize at the end of their NEVERENDING story that they expect an intelligent response from you?  A bit of advice:  Never wing it.  Just apologize and admit you weren’t listening.  Ask them to repeat the story and hope that it doesn’t happen again.  And when it does………start with, “What do you think?”  It will give you some time to recompose yourself and fake a heart attack, aneurysm, bathroom emergency.
• Have you ever had a headache and can’t take medication for it because you can’t remember if you already did? 

If you have ever experienced one or more of the above symptoms, you have SASS!  Do not despair, my friend.  You are in good company. *wink* 

And I have the secret that will make it all OK.  Blame it on the wine. 

Oh and…………………I forgot.  *sigh*



Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad

IF MAMA AIN’T HAPPY…..

…..ain’t nobody happy.  And at my house, we like to add:  If Daddy ain’t happy…..ain’t nobody cares.  I kid, I kid ….sort of   *wink*

Mama ain’t been happy lately.  Mama has been in a funk.  Mama is going to stop talking about herself in third person now.

I’ve realized that you have to make your own happiness.  You have to be proactive.  I’ve taken a bit of a break from life (and blogging), some time to reflect, if you will, and what I’ve decided is that I need to:  SNAP OUT OF IT!  Happy thoughts only from this point forward.  I’m too blessed to be stressed.

So what’s the bacon about?  We’ll get to that in a minute.  First, allow me to rant.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I said happy thoughts only.  Sue me.

This post is about bacon.  Lacking the necessary professional photographic skills aka I was too lazy to take my own picture I thought I would just “borrow” a simple photo of bacon from the interwebs and move along with my blog post.  Good Golly, in the name of all that is pork fat and yumminess, I’m here to tell ya that people are strange.  Have you ever googled images of bacon?  Go now.  Go on.  I’ll wait.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(I’m thinkin’ some of these pervs won’t be back for awhile so let’s move on. You know who you are.)

Do ya see what I mean!  Lord, have mercy on us all.

So I got my lazy butt up off the couch, went to the fridge and got out my baggie of leftover bacon, slapped it on a plate and took a dang picture with my phone.  Geesh.  The trouble I go to for you people.  *wink*

Rant over:  Let the happy thoughts begin.

I LOVE bacon.  No, really.  I BIG FAT PUFFY HEART with SPRINKLES LOVE bacon as evidenced by the size of my arse.  Happy thoughts……must think happy thoughts.

I love bacon with eggs.
I love bacon on a cheeseburger.   HAVE MERCY!
I love bacon sprinkled over veggies or a salad.
I love bacon on a turkey club.
I’ve never met a slice of bacon that I didn’t love. 
Bacon makes me happy.

I hear that Jillian Michaels says that bacon is the devil.  Well if that is true, bacon is the devil with a blue dress.  I just love a blue dress.
 
But truly, I think that bacon is HEAVENLY.  Seriously.  I don’t care what you say about dirty animals and such.  Bacon is good food.

What are your happy thoughts?  (And don’t give me your kids and family, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah, yeah….they are tops on my list too.  That’s a given.  I’m looking for the ridiculous here.)


Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad

Mama always said……

PS.  I’m sure to find my voice soon.  Until then….talk amongst yourselves.  *wink*