Sunday, June 28, 2009

BAGGAGE, SAGGAGE AND LINES OF DESTRUCTION

SharPei12

Once again, I’m turning to you, my wise counsel. I’ve got a problem. I’ve been aware of it for quite some time but recent developments have brought this particular problem to the forefront making it impossible to ignore.

Last night My Harley Stud and I were in Walmart. Yes, I know…..Walmart on a Saturday night. It’s an exciting life we lead, folks. Don’t you wish you were us?

Anyway, we were in search of white wine, (My Zone snack before bed with a bit of cheese) and MHS points out the sign in the wine section that says they will card anyone under 40 when purchasing alcoholic beverages. What the……? First the sandwich boy at my favorite lunch counter tells me TWICE that I look tired and now this! I just knew that they wouldn’t ask for ID. I began to fret. I look over 40, I just know it! They are going to take one look at me and say, “Nah, she’s older than the hills. Let her drink.” Well, sure enough, we cruised on through without being asked for id. I’ve decided that the cashier must have seen the gray in MHS’s hair. That’s it. She thought I was his very young trophy wife. That’s my story and I’m trying to stick to it. But still I worry…….

I’ve never been one to buy every lotion and potion that comes down the pike. I figure if there ever really is a miraculous product out there to erase the lines, remove cellulite and LORD, HELP US PLEASE, take away the bags under my eyes, it will surely be shouted from the mountain tops around the world. Even a Pollyanna like me who can’t bear to watch the news unless it comes from the lips of Anderson Cooper and even then I don’t listen to what he says, I just watch his beautiful face would not be able to escape such a revelation as that.

I haven’t heard of any such product but now I’m getting desperate. I’m frantically searching for something…………..anything that will slow halt reverse this process calling aging.

Please allow me to present the evidence:

  1. I have lines around my mouth that many would associate with a smoker. If you pucker up around a cigarette for enough years, those lines are inevitable. The only thing is that I’m not and was not a smoker well, except for that brief experimental time as a teen. (Damn, did I say that out loud? Daddy, that’s just embellishment for entertainment purposes, I swear!) I do have a nasty, lifelong habit of nervously biting at the inside of my lip. Mother always told me if I kept screwing up my face into that position, it would freeze like that. Man, I hate it when it turns out she was right! Calling all daughters! Listen to your mothers! They know where of they speak.
  2. I have bags. And they’re not Louis Viutton although I could probably pack enough in them for a two week trip. Where did I get these awful bags under my eyes. I just woke up on my 40th birthday and there they were. The gift that keeps on giving. UGH. What on earth did I do to deserve them? I’m following Debra over at Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History who recently had eye surgery. She is still swollen from surgery and already has less baggage than I do. If you haven’t met Debra, go check her out. When she’s not documenting her experience under the knife, she tells of her life as a biker chick and other great tales.
  3. Can my skin get more dry!
  4. Last but certainly not the least is the problem with parts of my body that shall remain unmentioned da boobs that have gone South for winter with no plans to return.

Does anyone out there have a solution to one or all of my disasters?

Do you know of a lotion or a potion to erase those fine lines around my mouth? Botox? Frankly, I’m a little scared. What if I end up looking like Jack Nicholson as the Joker?

jackPlease and purdy please, does someone know how to unpuff my puffiness? Seriously, my eyes could completely disappear any day. If you don’t hear from me, the puffiness has taken over my face and I can’t see to blog. And if that happens….please know that I love you all dearly. Fairwell, my sweets. Just sayin. I do have this little L’oreal roller ball thingy that seems to help some but at best is just a bandaid for the problem at hand. For the record, I googled puffy eyes images and even google can’t find anyone with eyes as puffy as mine. That leaves me with no choice but to post a picture of my puffy eyes for a true visual aid. Sorry. That ain’t happenin’. Use your imagination.

My skin is crying for moisture! “Help, I’m crawling thru the desert here, I need a drink!” Can you hear it? Does anyone know of decent non-greasy moisturizer out there that doesn’t leave your skin even more dry in an hour?

As for that last problem. I’ve solved it on my own. Forget surgery, forget the wonder bra. I’m having MHS build me a shelf. Yep. I stook nekkid in the mirror and lifted those babies up and the answer became clear. I need a shelf. If anyone else needs a shelf, let me know. He can make you one too. He's quite the master craftsman. Just let me know what type of wood you want and if you prefer paint-grade or stain-grade.

Daddy’s on vacation and hopefully without internet. If he reads that I talked about being nekkid on the interwebs, I’m grounded……………………….again.

Oh and by the way, I’m a WINNER times TWO. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post where I gloat display my winnings. I’m a very lucky girl! Yes.I.Am!

28 comments:

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Let me in on all the advice you get. I'm crinkled, wrinkled, puffy, and sun-damaged.

And. 40??!! Seriously. Stupid sign. Stupid Wal-Mart.

Oz Girl said...

So now I find out more about your Walmart tweet. :) I cannot believe they card anyone who looks younger than 40. What a joke.

The only thing I can offer advice on is the lines around the mouth. Exact same problem here, and I never, ever smoked either. BUT I am an-inside-the-cheek biter, AND for years I drank my drinkies through a straw - that would be the equivalent to holding a ciggie in one's mouth, hmmm?

About 4 yrs ago I opted for the injections around my mouth - I think Juvederm is the rage these days. It truly helped, but it's only supposed to last 6 mths. Mine lasted closer to a year. Why haven't I had it done again, you say? It hurt. Tons. I almost passed out - nauseous, cold sweat. I kid you not. Oh yes, they numb you. Topically. Makes no difference.

My mom, who had recently had a facelift and eye surgery, watched in horror and after seeing me go through that, swore she could never do it. Cost? Around $1000 - depends on how many syringes they use. They used two on me.

After that episode, the nurse told me that in future, the dr could numb me from inside my mouth, which would be more effective, since I was obviously so pain-sensitive. Um. Yeah.

So I went from this excited lil gal in the waiting room to feeling sick to my stomach and just wanting a drink when we left -- we promptly headed to the mexican restaurant down the road, where my son had a ball making fun of my godawful looking swollen lips. I really didn't care - I just wanted a margie!

The lines will have to get REALLY bad before I go pay for that misery again. In the meantime, I use Bliss Spa's "The Youth As We Knew It" facecare line - expensive yes, but I do think it helps.I used MD Formulations for sensitive skin before that - good also.

And that's all I got. I'll be curious to see what other advice you get!

Kathy said...

I'd like a shelf, please. And the other stuff - I've got no clue! Laugh lines are good from what I hear - just blame them all on a lot of laughing and a good life lived so far?

Michel said...

ok. I'm putting it out there because it was in Cosmo, therefore it has to be right - right??

Of course it was cosmo in the 80s, but still....

Mix some prepH in with cold creme. Reduces swelling.

you heard me. DO IT.

Cosmo never lies. Google it.

Hit 40 said...

I have the opposite problem - oily skin which keeps away the winkles. Just tired of zits at 40 years old!!!

Jan said...

Considering I'm one huge, sagging, wrinkled flake, I have no advice for you, I'm afraid (I keep saying that, have you noticed?). I'll be watching your replies with interest - I hope some of your advice is for hypoallergenic stuff; the Loreal moisturizers I used late last year is what caused that horrible rash on my face, neck and chest. Since I have no desire to become a Prednisone-driven eating machine again, I'm very hesitant to use anything else on my skin.

As for the sign in Wal-Mart, I'm simply astounded that they could get away with that in these days of frivolous lawsuits. I can just see some 39 year old trying to sue them for 17 million dollars because they weren't carded trying to buy their box of Beringer's White Zinfandel.

California Girl said...

I don't think there is a magic potion but if there is, it's probably too expensive.

Last year, when I began preparing in Spring for my high school reunion in August, I started a skin regimen with the esthetician where I have my hair styled. I wanted to smooth the rough spots on my face, diminish pores and fine lines. I go to a salon/spa and they do alot of things including the laser dermabrasion which I did not want. She recommended a six week facial peel treatment using Jan Marini product. I went to her every week and had a cleansing then a facial peel using Jan Marini's product made from fruit acids. It burned/itched/tingled slightly and was only left on a few minutes and really worked well. I also used the JM bioglycolic facial cleanser and the bioclear cream and those lasted about six months. I can honestly say, the results were noticeable.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Pseudo-Looks like there's some good stuff there already. BTW, I turned on the tv in my bedroom while reading. I can't find the remote to change the channel. It's stuck on Youthology infomercial. Is someone trying to tell me something?
Stupid Walmart!

OG-Ouch! Note to self: skip the Juvederm. Yikes. Oh yes, straws. I'll have to share that with the girls. I'll have to google "youth as we knew it."

Kathy-Coming right up.

Michel-I just might try this. It's not a trick, right? I'm not going to get hemorrhoids under my eyes, right?

Hit40-You must look so young.

Jan-My skin is pretty sensitive too so I have to be careful.
Oh and .....Stupid Walmart!

CaG-I've never heard of those products. I'll have to check them out.

Thanks, for the advice, everyone!

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Would love to have my under eyes done and lighten my baggage load as well. Part of my prob is genetics... Dad's side of the family had baggy under eye lid probs... Thanks, Dad!

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

blueviolet said...

I just realized today that it would be best if I wore the same clothes in the summer that I wear in the winter. Not necessarily best for me, but best for those around me.

only a movie said...

I have super sensitive skin and only use cetaphil for a cleanser - no washing w/ water - it dries too much.

I wish I could give you better advice. Sometimes I get away with looking young, but I think it's the long hair. Plus, I purchased alcohol yesterday and was not carded.

Will be reading along for the rest of the comment/advice!:-)

Mrs. K said...

Dear SMB,

Do you live close to Boca? I go to my girl who I swear has changed my face from eh to now getting compliments all the time on it- she works at a plastic surgery center and did some peels to get rid of 'brown spots' as well as minor wrinkles and now am on these creams that are AMAZING- but I'm too lazy to get up and look- but if you want, I can get up to find out what they are. I no longer have bags (no surgery) or fine wrinkles- I swear they are gone.

Tony Letts said...

Yes, there's a product. Yes it keeps you looking young. It's so good, I imported it from America in bulk. One teeny weensy problem - it's for men! (Zirh - google it)

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

I don't know. Not really..but I will tell you this. When I had my first baby and was broke I started using Johnson's baby cream on my skin because I lived inland of San Diego and it was hot and dry ALL the time. Winter or Summer..DRY! I was just 18 years old and without knowing what I was doing..I got a good start on the wrinkles..plus I don't smoke and never have. An occassional drink..a bit of wine now and then and now at nearly 73 I could be worse. Still...you cannot be my age and in your natural state not have a few wrinkles. Especially if you are always gaining and losing weight like I do. My baby is is pushing 60 now and is hording all the Johnsons baby cream she can. I NOW have jumped to plain old Vaseline. It works. Even my heels that used to form calluses...no longer there. I think Vaseline is the answer...and I mean carry a tiny jar in your purse. The label on the baby cream has it in it..so...works for me!
Over the years the baby cream has changed and that is what made me turn to the hard stuff! Vaseline.
Put it on your bod and use a clean wash cloth to wipe it off...PERFECT. Try it. Put it on and wipe it off...and I mean rub it in!

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

LOL...my BABY SISTER IS PUSHING 60. I need to start proof reading...

Deb said...

Wine is full of anitoxidants. Isn't that good for your skin? You just need to go back to Walmart for more wine!

Gaston Studio said...

What Michel says about the prepH has been announced on many, many talk shows as being absolutely foolproof but since everyone is different = different results, but results you do get.

If you check with Consumer's Report, they periodically do testing on beauty products and print the results; that's where I'd start to look because they don't accept ads, hence not being bribed to say whatever.

Actually, if you want to completely get rid of the wrinkles and bags, I have an absolute fool proof way... gain tons of weight which will stretch your skin tight all over. Keep the shelf for the boobs though.

Gaston Studio said...

On second thought, you'll need MHS to build a bigger, sturdier shelf 'cause dem boobs will grow too if you gain tons of weight!

smiles4u said...

You are too funny SMB! First of all, you can buy liquor at Walmart? And Walmart on a Saturday night...sounds like my life...lol...and yes, stupid Walmart.

Do you drink a lot of water? I have found that the more water I drink the less dry my skin is. I have been told that you should drink half your weight in water every day. Not sure if it's actually true or not but I do drink that much...yes, I pee A LOT.

Also, when my skin is really dry I take Vit. E and I will also open up a capsule and put the oil on my skin. I also use sweet almond oil or another carrier oil when my skin is dry or as a hot oil treatment in my hair.(feels marvelous!)

I would also suggest a sugar or salt scrub. You can buy these or make them yourself...I mix fine sea salt with almond oil, olive oil or another carrier oil and a couple drops of essential oil. This does wonders for dry skin.

Have you tried any moisturizing face masks? Obviously you can buy these too but my most favorite is taking a ripe avocado and mashing it until smooth and mixing olive oil with it and put this on my face and leave for about 15 minutes. I also put green tea bags on my eyes for puffiness. I soak the tea bags and then chill before putting them on my eyes...I drink the tea while they are chilling...lol.

You so crack me up with this post. I think many of us can relate to how you feel though so you are not alone in this. The part about having your husband build a shelf is too funny...sadly, my boobs are way too small to need a shelf of any kind...ugh.

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

And by the way...you may have tureen envy...but I have motorcycle envy BIG time...soo..we're even I would say. No..no we are NOT even. MINE is worse by a long shot. You can go buy a tureen...but I will play hell buying bike or better yet, a MHS! LOL

Blasé said...

I think me and MHS need to partner-up and start a business 'Building Shelves'. Measure twice, cut once.

Linda said...

I TRY to only have 2 cups of coffee a day and drink at least 6 glasses of water. I ALWAYS use sunscreen (SPF15 min, usually SPF30) on my face. Neutrogena makes a very nice non-greasy moistureizer and some w/SPF too.
Water, water, water to hydrate from inside out.
I'd like to give walMart a sign..grrr

tera said...

I've heard about the Preparation H trick for baggy eyes, but the only kind I have is the gel kind and it didn't work so good. I guess maybe I'll have to try the lotion, eh?

Anyway, for lotion, I love love LOVE L'oocitane's Almond Milk Concentrate. I have combination skin and it does not make me oily or dry me out. I use it on my face, my elbows, my feet, my hands. Mmmmmm. It is one of those beauty products that truly makes me happy.

tera said...

This stuff:
http://usa.loccitane.com/FO/Catalog/Product.aspx?prod=29LC400A7&cm_vc=SearchRes

Pastor Sharon said...

Regarding the Prep H and cold cream, my friend heard about that somewhere and tried it. It did make a difference for her.

Regarding that carding under 40 thing? People who card me get a tip. . . . a very nice tip even if they work at Walmart. Yes, I enjoy a glass of wine here and there and if you don't card me, I will put down my purse, get on my knees and lament to God as if I were the only pastor in the store. If that clerk don't ask for my ID after that, she better give her heart to God 'cause . . . I'm gonna beat the devil out of the rest of her. . . . WHEW.
I think this 40th Bday coming up is getting to me.

The Peach Tart said...

I definitely need one of those shelves. I'll get back to you on the wood preference.

Debbie said...

You know, I have all of it too, plus being several pounds overweight, bad feet, bad knees, weak back from a car accident...I could go on and on and I smoke and I am older than you! In the past year I have been carded 4 or 5 times for them too. I think it is important to not compare ourselves to others...I don't mean we can't look our best, but we get caught up so much on what the outside looks like, we forget about the inside. For me, it is important to stay spiritually fit and the rest falls into place. I think your beautiful and way far from being fat! You are unique and no one else has your face or body or mind or spirit....that, in itself is beautiful.

midlife slices said...

I want to go to Costa Rica and get lots of work done....until I see women like the one I couldn't stop staring at yesterday. She'd obviously had lots of work done and her face was frozen in the Joker expression and everytime I looked at her, I had to make the same face. HBL kept nudging me with his elbow to stop. LOL

But...if you discover the secret.....share with a friend. Remember me?? Your friend? Your buddy? Your......o.k. so I have been sort of absent for a while but I still love ya. MUAH!