Once again, I’m turning to you, my wise counsel. I’ve got a problem. I’ve been aware of it for quite some time but recent developments have brought this particular problem to the forefront making it impossible to ignore.
Last night My Harley Stud and I were in Walmart. Yes, I know…..Walmart on a Saturday night. It’s an exciting life we lead, folks. Don’t you wish you were us?
Anyway, we were in search of white wine, (My Zone snack before bed with a bit of cheese) and MHS points out the sign in the wine section that says they will card anyone under 40 when purchasing alcoholic beverages. What the……? First the sandwich boy at my favorite lunch counter tells me TWICE that I look tired and now this! I just knew that they wouldn’t ask for ID. I began to fret. I look over 40, I just know it! They are going to take one look at me and say, “Nah, she’s older than the hills. Let her drink.” Well, sure enough, we cruised on through without being asked for id. I’ve decided that the cashier must have seen the gray in MHS’s hair. That’s it. She thought I was his very young trophy wife. That’s my story and I’m trying to stick to it. But still I worry…….
I’ve never been one to buy every lotion and potion that comes down the pike. I figure if there ever really is a miraculous product out there to erase the lines, remove cellulite and LORD, HELP US PLEASE, take away the bags under my eyes, it will surely be shouted from the mountain tops around the world. Even a Pollyanna like me who can’t bear to watch the news unless it comes from the lips of Anderson Cooper
and even then I don’t listen to what he says, I just watch his beautiful face would not be able to escape such a revelation as that.
I haven’t heard of any such product but now I’m getting desperate. I’m frantically searching for something…………..anything that will
slow halt reverse this process calling aging.
Please allow me to present the evidence:
- I have lines around my mouth that many would associate with a smoker. If you pucker up around a cigarette for enough years, those lines are inevitable. The only thing is that I’m not and was not a smoker
well, except for that brief experimental time as a teen.(Damn, did I say that out loud? Daddy, that’s just embellishment for entertainment purposes, I swear!) I do have a nasty, lifelong habit of nervously biting at the inside of my lip. Mother always told me if I kept screwing up my face into that position, it would freeze like that. Man, I hate it when it turns out she was right! Calling all daughters! Listen to your mothers! They know where of they speak.
- I have bags. And they’re not Louis Viutton
although I could probably pack enough in them for a two week trip.Where did I get these awful bags under my eyes. I just woke up on my 40th birthday and there they were. The gift that keeps on giving. UGH. What on earth did I do to deserve them? I’m following Debra over at Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History who recently had eye surgery. She is still swollen from surgery and already has less baggage than I do. If you haven’t met Debra, go check her out. When she’s not documenting her experience under the knife, she tells of her life as a biker chick and other great tales.
- Can my skin get more dry!
- Last but certainly not the least is the problem with parts of my body that shall remain unmentioned
da boobsthat have gone South for winter with no plans to return.
Does anyone out there have a solution to one or all of my disasters?
Do you know of a lotion or a potion to erase those fine lines around my mouth? Botox? Frankly, I’m a little scared. What if I end up looking like Jack Nicholson as the Joker?
Please and purdy please, does someone know how to unpuff my puffiness? Seriously, my eyes could completely disappear any day. If you don’t hear from me, the puffiness has taken over my face and I can’t see to blog. And if that happens….please know that I love you all dearly. Fairwell, my sweets. Just sayin. I do have this little L’oreal roller ball thingy that seems to help some but at best is just a bandaid for the problem at hand. For the record, I googled puffy eyes images and even google can’t find anyone with eyes as puffy as mine. That leaves me with no choice but to post a picture of my puffy eyes for a true visual aid. Sorry. That ain’t happenin’. Use your imagination.
My skin is crying for moisture! “Help, I’m crawling thru the desert here, I need a drink!” Can you hear it? Does anyone know of decent non-greasy moisturizer out there that doesn’t leave your skin even more dry in an hour?
As for that last problem. I’ve solved it on my own. Forget surgery, forget the wonder bra. I’m having MHS build me a shelf. Yep. I stook nekkid in the mirror and lifted those babies up and the answer became clear. I need a shelf. If anyone else needs a shelf, let me know. He can make you one too. He's quite the master craftsman. Just let me know what type of wood you want and if you prefer paint-grade or stain-grade.
Daddy’s on vacation and hopefully without internet. If he reads that I talked about being nekkid on the interwebs, I’m grounded……………………….again.
Oh and by the way, I’m a WINNER times TWO. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post where I
gloat display my winnings. I’m a very lucky girl! Yes.I.Am!