Wednesday, June 3, 2009


I was trying to catch up on blog reading this afternoon while sitting on “ignore” hold with an insurance company. I literally laughed out loud at The Optimistic Pessimist (aka Marathoner81) post about her child’s latest assignment. It brought me back to some of the embarrassing moments I’ve had over the years courtesy of Daughters #1 and #2. Between the two of them, they’ve provided me with a lot of material. Now that they are older, I thought it might be fun to embarrass them share some of these charming memories with you.

I’ll limit today’s stories to Daughter #1 but before you start protesting that it’s not fair to only pick on one child, rest assured that I have lots of stories and Daughter #2 will get her fair share. Stay tuned.

I was talking to D1 on my way home from work the other day. She mentioned having rented a video from the Red Box. She informed that not only can you rent videos from cartthis box but you can also buy used videos for $7. She then giggled and said, “I need seven dollars.” I added: “for your husband?”

Daughter #1 was a delightful toddler. She was smart and engaging. She loved to meet new people and would speak to anyone and everyone. She walked and talked very early by textbook standards and never, let me repeat NEVER baby talked. From the time she started talking you couldn’t shut her up you understood every word clearly.

We were shopping in Albertson’s when she was about two. She was seated in the shopping cart with her legs through the foot holes and facing me. She was chatting away about her day and singing songs and giving her opinion on my grocery choices. Then as a nice woman passed our cart, she yelled out to the woman, “I need seven dollars for my husband!” The woman smiled and moved on down the aisle.

I asked her why she would say such a thing. And she told me, “I need seven dollars for my husband.” Each time another customer passed us in the aisle, she would make this announcement. I was mortified thinking these people must think I take my child out begging for money and she’s picked up my line. To this day, I have no idea where she heard something like this or what she was thinking when she made it up. And why seven dollars? All I know is I got a lot of sad, pitiful looks from the other patrons and employees at the store and I didn’t take her with me again for a long time if I could avoid it.

Fast forward 15 years. D1 is now a varsity cheerleader. She called me after school and asked if we were going to the away football game that night. I said that we were and she said, “Great! I forgot my bloomers. Would you bring them to me?” I said that I would and put them in the trunk right away so I wouldn’t forget. (Bloomers, in case you are picturing those long ruffled shorts hanging out of dresses back in the 1800s, are color coordinated panties that cover your real panties)cheerleader

We got to the game a little late and once there, MHS and I rushed from the car to get into the game. Because we were the visiting team, we sat on the small bleachers on the other side of the field from the stadium type bleachers where the press box is. MHS and I took our place among the other parents and began to watch the game and the cheerleaders. I made eye contact with D1 and remembered that I forgot to get the bloomers out of the trunk. The look on my face said it all and she said, “Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal. I have on black underwear.” She didn’t mouth this, mind you. She yelled it. Up into the bleachers. A little like the ostrich that sticks it’s head in the sand and thinks it can’t be seen. She was only talking to me so she assumed no one else would hear? I guess?

I very calmly walked down the bleachers and out to the parking lot to my car. I got the bloomers out of the trunk. I walked back to the field. I stood at the fence until D1 came over to me. Then I reached thru the fence and grabbed her hair and pulled her ear close to my mouth and said, “Next time, maybe you should walk over to the press box so you can announce to the entire field what color your panties are.” I handed her the bloomers and calmly took my place on the bleachers.

What are some of your embarrassing moments? Come on. Don’t leave me hanging out here all by myself.


Anonymous said...

Daughter #1 was a delightful toddler.

Yes, she did enjoy punching her future Uncle in the nuts. How delightful LOL!

Pastor Sharon said...

You have me laughing uncontrollably here. . .
My little sister, talked the same way D1 did. She still does, none stop. When she was 18 months old, in the grocery cart, She waited for my mother to around, looking the other way, and slapped the breadman right across the butt. he turned around, BEET RED, just as my mother turned around to stare him back in the face.

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

It was 1953. I was wearing a one piece bathing suit with a little cord that was attached to the top in the center. My boyfriend and I were at La Jolla shores near San Diego. We were out waist deep and he was pulling me on a canvas raft with a rope handle. Suddenly a huge wave hit us, ripped the rope my boyfriend was holding right out of the raft and tumbled me over and over. When I finally got my footing and stood boyfriend and strangers were staring at me..and my boyfriend was yelling "honey! honey!" and gesturinging. I looked down to find myself with no top...just the strings still tied behind my neck!
Uh huh! ONE of my most embarrassing moments!!
At least they were perky back then!

tera said...

You mean I have to pick just ONE?! I'm gonna have to think on that a bit. :)

only a movie said...

Great story. And she's reading, right?
I am not up to the brain sifting required to find an embarrassing story, but I assure you, I've got a few...

Jan said...

My boys didn't embarrass me much, aside from both of them having a penchant for asking complete strangers for some of their soft drinks (don't ask me). Darling Daughter though? How much time do you have?

Optimistic Pessimist said...

I'd imagine all the boys around loved your daughter's statement!!!

Comedy Goddess said...

I was smooching a guy named Keith, but called him Kevin by mistake. Somehow I never heard from him again.

Anonymous said...

LOL!!! Those are good ones! Thanks for the great laugh this morning!

Gaston Studio said...

When my oldest daughter was just a toddler and getting into everything, including the old refrigerator, I took the hammer that was sitting on top one day and totally knocked the handle off... because I just knew if she opened that damn door one more time I was gonna kill her!

Of course, I was totally embarrassed to tell her father why dinner wasn't ready when he got home from work.

Michel said...

SMB: I need $7 for my husband. I didn't think to ask for it before. Now that I know it is kosher, I'm going to go demand my fair share.

Thank you for this informative post.

croneandbearit said...

Not ever having kids, I was forced to act like one with my best friend who just happens to be 20 years older than I. Many years ago when I was in my 20's and she in her 40's we went into the grocery store together. I started dragging my foot behind me and hollering out, Mommy, don't leave me back here puhleeze, then I "accidentally" knocked over the display of oranges. I was a brat even though I wasn't technically her brat - it was fun at the time for me but she got a tad upset at my shenanigans. I love memories!

Anonymous said...

Well, if ya got it flaunt it I guess. I think my big girl panties would be the talk of the bleachers if I did something like that. White of course... hee hee

The Blue Ridge Gal

Tricia said...

We were recently entertaining a business associate and his wife in our home and after dinner when we were still sitting in the dining room chatting, my 5-year-old decided he'd had enough of the grown ups talking and ignoring him. He walked up to the male guest, tapped his arm and politely asked, "excuse me, but how much longer until you leave?"

Smart Mouth Broad said...

DE-Well, yeah, there was that. Sorry.

PS-Too funny!

Mona-OMG! You poor thing. The people on that beach are probably still telling that story.

Tera-It is hard to narrow them down, isn't it?

Movie-She's so busy, she may not be but she'll catch up eventually.

Jan-Daughters.....gotta love 'em!

OP-I was so mortified, I don't believe I paid any attention to who else was around.

CG-UH OH! You should be smart like MHS, his old gf's name was Smart Mouth too.

Fancy- :-)

Jane-Did you at least get a new fridge out of the deal?

Michel-Sorry, babe. You're too late. I'm all tapped out.

C&B- OMG! I can just picture it!

Di-Yours and mine, both, honey.

Tricia-There's only so much a young man can take.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Oh Lord. I'm living them daily with the boy SMB. Hoping someday they will be funny.

Tony Letts said...

Lovely! Kids just love to embarrass us don't they?

My own worst moment was when my wife and I were visiting her sister in law, Julie. Julie's teenage child was present and we hadn't been introduced so I asked 'What's his name?' The reply was 'My daughter's name is Claire'. (She did have a short butch hair style!)

Tessa said...

Great stories, SMB. And isn't it payback sweet? Our kids spent years embarrassing the heck out of us, now it's our turn.

#1 Son was an early and fluent speaker, too, and never talked baby-talk - mainly because he never heard it from me. He loved people - doctors, hairdressers, waiters, cashiers - he would chat away to them all, much to their amusement/bemusement. Then one day, as he was perched in the shopping cart I was unloading, he picked up a packet of sanitary napkins and informed the MAN in the lineup behind me "These are for my Mummy's sore bottom!" I. HAVE. NO. IDEA. WHERE. HE. GOT. THAT! Definitely not from me. I'm not sure which of us was most mortified - me or the poor man who was stuck behind us for the duration of our passage through the cash desk, while Blabbermouth kept chatting to him.

I can hardly wait to show his potty training photos to his SO.