Wednesday, June 10, 2009

THE EFF WORD


Last week I told you about how Daughter #1 gave me some embarrassing moments as she was growing up. Raising two girls to adulthood has provided me with an endless supply of anecdotes to amuse and confuse. As promised, D1 wasn’t the only one who managed to make me squirm a little in my boots.

When Daughter #2 was a toddler, she had an absolutely irritating adorable way of getting our attention. She chanted. I guess that came in handy as a cheerleader in her teens but as a little tyke……not so much.

She couldn't quite pronounce the word “milk” correctly and when she wanted some, she would say “mook”……………………….”mook”…………………..”mook”….”MOOK!”…”MOOK!

"MOOK!MOOK!MOOK!MOOK!

The chanting would get louder and more frequent until she received a boot in the arse the milk. It wasn’t just beverage requests that would make her chant. Allow me tell you about a little shopping experience we had when D2 was about two years old.

If you’ve ever been in Victoria’s Secret at Christmas time, you know that any purchase will not be completed without the required 30 minute wait in line. I was “selected” by my employer at the time to shop for some lotions and potions to go along with Christmas bonuses. My Harley Stud (who didn’t have a Harley then but was still a stud, nonetheless) was working and I found myself having to haul my two children to the mall and into VS to get said lotions and potions.

D2 was in a stroller and D1 was walking alongside me. The store was packed (DUH!) and it was not easy maneuvering a stroller through the chaos. I quickly grabbed what I needed and headed to that very long line that led to the checkout counter. I took one look at the line and quickly determined that the wait would be more pleasant for all concerned without the stroller. I led D1 and the stroller with D2 over to a lotion display about 10 feet away from where I was standing in line. I told D1 to entertain her sister and just move the stroller back and forth a little bit because she liked to keep moving. I got in line and began to relax and listen to the lovely classical music playing and take in all the aromas from the perfumes being tested, all the while keeping an eye on the big and the little just a few feet away.

All was going well for about 5 minutes. Then the peaceful melody was broken by a young child telling her older sister, “Fart on you!” My eyes widened! I cringed. I hoped. I crossed my fingers. I prayed. It was all for naught because the chanting was about to begin. I don’t know what D1 did to tick off D2 but she was TICKED! It started out low and slow and increased in volume and speed with each repetition.

“Fart on you!……..fart on you……fart on you!..FARTONYOUFARTONYOUFARTONYOU! and on and on.

Would you think less of me if I told you that I didn’t give up my place in line? I just stood there with the rest of the crowd looking appalled at the audacity of some women to bring their bratty children into this fine establishment and ruin my shopping experience! Oh yes I did.

38 comments:

only a movie said...

:-) Awesome.

demainca said...

Great!You would have never got your place back in line. Kids always do what you don't expect when they are in public! You just act like you don't know them.

lisa said...

Like any great mother....ignore the situation and pretend they're not yours. A few loud sighs and well placed eyerolls would also be in order.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Movie- :-)

demainca-Of course, the jig was up when I paid and had to walk out with them.

lisa-I've got my eye rolls down to a science! LOL

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

Oook...I think I can comment now! I have laughed at some of your posts but this one made me gave me fits of laughter...cutest thing ever! Whatascream this was! Here comes to see what on earth is happening...LOL..TO darned funny!
Oh lordy!!
Mona

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

Crap! I couldn't even write! LOL

namaste said...

*clapping loudly*

LOL! what a great story!

;)

dana said...

And yet, you DID take them to your car and return home with them. BRAVO for your integrity. I hope you gave her a few other F words to use as she grew up. You can't say fart ALL your life.

tera said...

That is too funny!
I would love to tell of a time I embarrassed my mother, but I'm just sure I was perfect and never, ever did any such thing! ;)

Pastor Sharon said...

Totally hilarious. . . of course it is, only because it didn't happen to me. . . I'm glad you held your peace and held your place in line! You go girl!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Hubs read this post next to me. We both loved it. You are officially his first blog to read other than mine.

Next I took him on all your biker trips. Hubs says you take great pictures and now he wants a road trip too ; -)

JOE TODD said...

I don't think you lack "audacity"
LOL have a great day

Linda said...

LOL! Oh my! Kids, can't leave 'em in the car so whatch gonna do? That's too funny.

nothingfancy1 said...

Love Love Love that you just stood there! Perfect! H is a chanter too...over and over and over and over...til he gets what he wants - so I definitely and living of which you speak!

When my sister was a baby, she couldn't pronounce "Ball Park Franks", but instead would say "Fart Fart Franks". Naturally, my brother and I would pick the perfect times to ask her "What's your favorite hot dog?" to which she'd go on and on about "Fart fart Franks"

Gaston Studio said...

Love it! You have more balls than me 'cuz I would have left my place in line and driven that stroller right out of there, probably never to return I would have been so embarrassed! To my great loss...

Comedy Goddess said...

Very smart!

smiles4u said...

LOL!!! Oh the past memories of my now adult children, that this story brought back to me as I read it. Also we are going through some potty talking issues with the little people at the present. And of course they must pick public places to shine the most brightly with their potty talking...ugh!!!

Thank you for stopping by and checking on me recently. It means a lot to me my friend. This is my first day back on the computor in many days. I have so missed you and the other wonderful people that I now call my friends. I hopefully will be back around on a regular basis soon! Love and hugs, Lori

Optimistic Pessimist said...

Gotta love kids...I wouldn't have given up my place in line either!

croneandbearit said...

Honestly what is this world coming to that mothers can't keep their children in line? I'm just simply horrified by the actions of that mom...oh wait that was you..ahhhh screw it...it didn't hurt anyone. LOL HUGS! I'm posting my 6+6+6 meme Friday, you buggerbutt.

Wunderwoman said...

I would never had had the guts to stand there in line, I would have grabbed said children and SLINKED out of that store...Good for you!

mylittlebecky said...

kids, right? :) love it.

ps i loooved yellowstone and your pics are awesome!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Mona-I just love how tickled you get.

Namaste-Awww shucks!

Dana-Pleased to make your acquaintance! I'm so glad you visited and hope you'll return. I try to shy away from other eff words. LOL

Tera-Of course you didn't, dear!

PS-I think it's hilarious too........NOW.

Pseudo-I'm honored to be his first next to you, of course. You know Harley has a fly and ride program where you can fly to your destination and then rent a bike to ride. I think it sounds great.The worst part was getting there and it would be impossible for you to do that ride. LOL

Joe-My tank is full in that dept.

Linda-I know, right?

Fancy-Oh no,not another chanter. Good thing he's so cute.

Jane-Are you sure? That kinda surprises me. I think you are way braver than I am.

CG- *wink*

Smiles-I bet you had plenty of those moments....and still do. :-)

OP-No way! I would have had to start all over again and that WAS NOT happening.

CB-LOL! Can't wait to read your sixes. I'll get over there eventually.

WW-I'm not sure it was guts but determination and delayed embarrassment.

MyLittleBecky-Please to meet you. Glad you liked the pics. Hope you'll visit again soon. We have a lot of fun round here.

Midlife Mama said...

ROFL....this is so freakin' hilarious!! I guess you should be thankful she said fart on you, not f**k you over and over. Ohhh man I can feel your pain. And I wouldn't get out of line either. For many reasons. LOL

Michael said...

Loved this post! In a way I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I've heard similar language with some of us bikers. If I had a nickel for every time I heard one of my biker buddies say the word "fart" I'd make Donald Trump feel destitute.

Fun site you have :)

delaney55 said...

My son got returned to me by his sitter at the time when he was about 2ish and she said she would take care of a child that swore. I was flabbergasted until the light bulb went off. I picked up this toy cars and asked him what each one was and he said " car, fruck, frain.." He didn't hear or say the "TR" he heard/said "FR". I said "Truck?" and he said "yes, fruck"
Boy was her face red. :0)

midlife slices said...

LOL "fart on you". You should have kept her in line and she might have cleared it out a little quicker for ya. Sometimes children DO come in handy. :)

midlife slices said...

p.s. When one of my grands would act horrid out in public I would chant...."not the mama...not the mama...not the mama". I don't think anyone believed me though. *sigh*

midlife slices said...

How come I don't show up as a top 10 commenter? *whine*

It's because I've been gone, right?

Out of sight....out of mind.

*sniff*

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Oh, those were the days. Glad to hear mothers of girls have their moments as well.

warriorwitch said...

i laughed more at your reaction than the situation.

priceless.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Bwahahaha!
Sprite has her own way of chanting by repeating the request even when we say, "Okay" and go about the act of getting the object. Let's say it's milk. "Get me milk." I go to the fridge. "Milk?" I open the fridge. "Milk?" I take out the milk. You see where this goes. Every action gets another request until the milk is in her hands and it becomes a statement like a relief. "Milk."

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Mama-The funniest part to me is who says fart on you? Where did she hear that? Fart, yes but fart on you?

Michael-Bikers....gotta love 'em. Thanks for stopping by.

Delaney-I had that same speech problem as a toddler. D2 was the itsy bitsy fighter....

MLS-Now, why didn't I think of that!

You know Daddy always says, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder....or you just find someone else. *wink*

MLJH-I don't know about boys but girls......stories like this, I've got a million of 'em.

Warrior-You shoulda been there.

SK-Glad to hear I'm not the only one. I could handle it at home it was the public chanting that was a bit hard to take.

Oz Girl said...

I am laughing so hard. Our kids had such charm at that age to embarrass us in public... my son managed to do me a few good ones when I was shopping in the mall. But I won't go in that right now...

Kudos to you for staying in line! I think the chanting would have crawled up my spine and I just would not have been able to tough it out.

Debbie said...

That is so funny...where did she learn that one?:) Kids are so cute. What else could you possibly do! You needed to secure your place in line. I would have been laughing with the kids. The only thing I can remember my daughter chanting was Tina Turners "What's love got to do with it" song when she was a toddler. She'd get stuck on the "do with it" part and actually it sounded more like "duwidit...duwidit...duwidit!"

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I would never have given up my spot in line either. Victoria Secret lines are ALWAYS bad and just plain ridiculous during the holidays.

Tricia said...

This is hilarious, absolutely hilarious.

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, it could have been the other Eff word! :)

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