A LOW BLOW ………AGAIN

My very first post to this blog almost a year ago was all about how I had been to my girly doc and she was very rude kind enough to inform me that I am at that age when I need to have a primary care physician to manage my healthcare.   *It might help to read it first.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.*  I work for a doctor and while she is a breast surgeon, she can and does prescribe antibiotics or other meds when the need arises.  Why waste your time with doctor appointments and forms and copays when you have your own personal physician right in your back yard ………….uh…er…or in the back office as the case may be.

It took me almost a year to get over the shock of being told that I’m “at that age when…” because I’m a bit of a drama queen but I finally got around to choosing a PCP to manage my care.  Oddly enough, the referral came from a biker friend I met at the gym.  My new doctor is his girlfriend.  We’ll call her Dr. LuLu.  I liked Dr. LuLu instantly the moment I met her.  And when she discovered that I was Smart Mouth Broad, BF’s friend from the gym, she was almost as excited to meet me as I was her.  We hugged and chatted about how much we had heard about each other.  It was a very different experience from any medical appointment to which I’d ever been.  Then  it was back to the task at hand.

Dr. LuLu began with the results of my bloodwork that had been drawn the previous week.  She dropped little phrases about “being at that age when”  and I could feel my teeth start to grind.  She proceeded to tell me that my sugar is high, my thyroid is low, my cholesterol is OK but my triglycerides are high.  I got an A+ in liver functions but my white blood cell count is high which means there is inflammation somewhere in my body.  She asked me if I had a portable home blood pressure cuff because my bp is  a little high.  Uh NO!  I’m not that old!  Then she told me that I was at high risk for heart disease as my bloodwork shows 25.2 on a blood level that anything over 3 is high risk.  I’m pretty sure it’s a typo or I’m about to drop dead any minute. 

My head was spinning.  She must have noticed that glassy eyed stare I get when I’m overwhelmed with news I don’t want to hear because she switched from her all-business medicalese tone to a more comforting, nurturing tone like you use when talking down a wounded wild animal.  She said, “I know this is a lot to take in but the good news is that we can work on all of it.”  And she was a little too cheerful about it, if you ask me.

I said, “You know, when I walked in here I thought I was basically a very healthy woman.”  as I curled into a fetal position on the exam table.

She smiled and said, “Well, you know you’re almost fifty.” 

That is SO NOT TRUE!  I’m not even forty-nine.  What the hell is she talking about!  I don’t think Dr. LuLu and I can still be friends.  And I had such high hopes too.  I thought we could maybe ride the Harleys to dinner sometime.  Not now.  I can see that she is an excellent physician but no friend tells you that you’re almost fifty when clearly you are NOT! 

So the plan goes like this:

• Stick with the South Beach Diet because it is great for keeping your blood sugar stable.  (What do you know?  I was doing something right!  Yay! Me!)
• Start taking fish oil.
• Start taking folic acid.
• Have an ultrasound of my thyroid and as long as it’s negative, start thyroid meds. (and possibly find it easier to lose weight.  Yay, again!)
• Take a water pill for the pitting edema I get cyclically.  (Like I don’t already spend enough time in the ladies room, “powdering my nose.”
• Monitor my blood pressure twice daily, log it and turn it in for homework at my next visit. 
• There could be more that I may have forgotten.
• Drink lots of beer……….or vodka PRN.
• Spend all your days at the beach
• Eat Dark Chocolate

OK, so those last three I threw in just to see if you were paying attention.  They pertain to “my plan” not “the plan”.

So it’s taken me almost a year but I finally figured out the end of that sentence.  I was in denial.  I was clearly blocking it before.   But now there’s no escape. 

I’m at that age when ………………………….things EFFIN START TO FALL APART!  FML

Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad

CH CH CH CHANGES

 

Change can be scary and it can be exciting.  Things are changing around SMBland.   Nothing too earth shattering, mind you, but changes just the same.

While Daughter #1 was in San Diego visiting An Officer and a Gentleman, I took advantage of the Food Nazi’s absence and made an executive decision.  We sh*tcanned the DAMN ZONE diet and went back to the South Beach Diet.  She has been compliant with my food plan since her return, albeit begrudgingly.  I was just about to tell you not to mention that to her because she is still a little sensitive about the subject when she came into the room to tell me she is happy with the meal plan.  I in all my gloatiness for my brilliant decision proceeded to tell her that I was just writing about that very topic and how I thought she was a little touchy about it still.  She immediately turned on me made a face and rescinded her compliment.  When will I learn to just say “thanks” and leave it at that?

For what it’s worth, our new way of eating is working.  I think it’s safe to say that the whole family feels better in general.  Those of us (read: me) who need to lose are losing.  I don’t think I’ll be a size 6 by reunion time but I’ll at least be closer to it.  The important thing is that I believe we’ve found a way that we can eat healthy for life (with occasional splurges) and that’s what I wanted instead of a temporary diet change that never works in the long run.

One change I didn’t think I would ever be able to make was to give up sweet tea.  I am a Yankee by birth but my stomach is a real Southerner.  I’ve seen fit to give up fried food, cornbread (except the occasional splurge) and pecan toffee tassies all in the name of good nutrition but the one thing I couldn’t kick was my sweet tea habit.  It’s like crack to me.  I’ve tried making it with a sugar substitute. ICK!  *Side note:  I enjoy it with no sweetener at all if the tea is really good but I MUCH prefer good ole Southern sweet tea!*  But this week, D1 came home from Publix with their own sugar free iced tea.  OMG!  I’m in heaven.  I didn’t think it was possible but it’s not only good, it’s great. 

Yet another change:  I’m not really much of a soda drinker but lately I have this uncanny craving for diet Dr. Pepper.  Somebody explain that to me, please.

Wii Wii alternates daily between insulting me with a Wii age of 45 and encouraging me with a Wii age of 28.  Talk about changes.  Sheesh!  Oh and I continue to be OBESE and UNBALANCED.  Have I mentioned that I hate the Damn Wii Wii!

 

Oh and one more thing: 

I’m approaching my one year blogiversary.  Are there any rituals I should know about?  Sacrifices to be made?  Parties to plan?  I’m completely clueless, not to mention a real slacker.  Let me know if there’s something I should be doing.  And in case it’s something I don’t want to do, let me know the penalty also……Just sayin. 

And one more thing:

This blogiversary is a good time to reflect and analyze the past year and all that’s been written here.  What are your thoughts?  Do you come here for the nonsense or real information.  YES.I.DO. occasionally provide useful information to you.  Remember it was me who taught you about tiny yellow bags and wasted tax dollars.   What would YOU like to see more of in the coming year? 

Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad

IN THE ZONE

Remember how excited I was that both of our girls would be home for the summer. Daughter #2 has been here since the first of May when spring semester ended at her school. She is now officially a sophomore. Woot!

Daughter #1 arrived home this weekend when school in North Carolina let out for the summer. She completed her first year teaching sixth grade social studies and survived! Woot!

D1 seems to be having some trouble realizing that it’s summer and school is out. I’ve always been supportive of her choice to teach school. But now it seems that has come back to bite me in the butt. Today I received a text message that went something like this:

“How tall are you and what do you weigh?”

What the……..?

“I’m doing The Zone for all of us.”

Really? D1 has been harassing encouraging me to try The Zone Diet for a few years now. I’ve always said not just no but HELL NO politely declined. You see, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried this diet or even heard of it but it’s quite complicated to my way of thinking. D1 insists that it’s very simple. Uh huh…….

When I came home from work, she got out the dry erase board. Think I’m kidding?

She proceeded to explain to My Harley Stud and I just what we would be eating and how much of it. There were blocks and grams and carbs and fats and proteins. My head was spinning. MHS commented that he didn’t think he had enough blocks. She said, you won’t starve on this diet.

He said, “I’m starving NOW and you’ve just started.”

Note to D1: Never give a lecture about nutrition and diet until after your students have eaten.

She explained that everything would need to be measured and weighed. Then she looked at me and said, “We’re pretty much going to have to feed Daddy but I think in the time I’ll be here this summer, he “can” learn.

I said, “Wait, I need to make notes.”

MHS said, “Don’t worry, I’m sure she has handouts.”

“No, not for the class, for my blog!”

After a presentation that lasted longer than an hour, we fixed dinner, a pre-planned non zone meal. We did have some yummy veggies even if we weren’t “in the zone”.

D#2 came in just as we were finishing dinner. D#1 says, “OK, now I want you two to present the material to D2. That will be your test to see if you were listening.”

I looked at MHS, “Test! I didn’t know there would be a test. I WASN’T listening. Crap!” I should have known. This is the same woman who made us take the social studies quiz in her class when we went to NC to visit last fall. (which by the way, we aced)

I made a lame attempt to explain what we had learned. D2 began to complain at what small portions of protein she would have. MHS made his contribution to our presentation by saying, “Eat spinach! You can eat a shitload of spinach!”

And to think how excited I was to have her home. Who knew we were entering the Nazi food camp?