FIFTY AND FABULOUS…..

…….OR BITE ME – (You choose.)

I’m about to “celebrate” a big birthday.  Yeah….THAT one.  And so far, I’m not dealing with the idea very well.  I’ve never been one to be bothered by the passing of another age milestone: 

Thirty?  I was THRIVING.  Didn’t phase me.

Forty?  Lordy, this is fun.  Bring it on.

But FIFTY?  In the last few months, the decline in my physical, mental and emotional well-being is snow-balling at a break-my flippin’-neck pace.  The eye-sight is going fast.  Everything hurts.  And I hear they are planning to give my arse its own zip code soon.

I guess part of the problem is that as Martina McBride would say, “Every morning when I drink my coffee, I can’t believe my life has turned out this way.”  That’s not to say that I’m not blessed.  Certainly I am.  And by contrast, when I compare my life to some, I admit that I feel a little ashamed of myself for whining.  But whining and/or wining makes me feel better, Dammick! 

As the self-appointed Queen of Everything, one might think that I would be above such triviality.  It’s really just a number after all.  But it’s  a really BIG number.   Waaaaaaaa.

I’ve never been one to make a plan.  In fact, bad things happen when I make plans, so I just don’t make them. I choose to live my life by the seat of my pants.  I play it by ear.  I go with the flow.  Whichever way the wind blows me.  I really hope you get the idea here because I seem to be out of clichés.  (And I never thought that could happen.)

I’m afraid that my lack of planning has left me feeling that I have lived without purpose.  Could it be that I was meant to do more than spread good cheer and nonsense wherever I go?  Is this it?  I mean after half a century, I should be able to look back and say, “WOW!  Look at all I’ve accomplished!”   Is it too late to take stock?  Perhaps a nice midlife crisis would do the trick but I don’t have time for that!   

I have to do something……even if it’s wrong.  Surely there is something I can do that will put me on the path to self fulfillment and enlightenment.  I’ve listed some possibilities:

• I could run away and join the circus.  I’m pretty sure I would make a really great trapeze artist.  (Do those costumes come in extra large?)
• I could join the Peace Corps.  (Except I heard they send you to countries that have no cheese!)
• I’ve given serious consideration to becoming an alcoholic but I keep forgetting to keep drinking after one glass of wine. 
• I could move to the beach and sell velvet Elvis paintings by the shore.  (a life-long dream of mine)
• CIA?  Covert Operative?  I AM an excellent markswoman.   I could do great things with a sniper rifle and work out my midlife frustrations at the same time.  Nah, I can never keep a secret.  *sigh* 

Will SMB survive the BIG ONE?  Stay tuned. 

IT'S MONDAY......ALL DAY

Oh Boy is it ever! I was late to work today. I didn’t oversleep. I just didn’t want to move. I was thinking that today might be a good day to have a nervous breakdown take a mental health day and just lie in bed all day going, “buh, buh, buh, buh” read a good book. I figure I’m due a good mental collapse. When the poop hits the fan in my life, there’s no time to have an emotional breakdown and drop my basket. I’ve got to soldier on through it otherwise all the spinning plates come crashing down. During those difficult times, I always say to myself, “Self, you can melt into a puddle later, there’s always time for that. Right now, you’ve got a mountain to move. Put on your big girl panties, and suck it up, Princess!” Well, today, I thought it might be a good day to cash in that raincheck. No mountains to move…………..right this minute. I could lay my superpowers down for the day and just melt…….for a little while.

And then I smelled the coffee.

God bless that man-O-mine.

Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad

I NEED A BREAK

Hold the pickle. Hold the lettuce. Hold the phone. Stop the presses. Stop the insanity!

I think I may have just a bit too much on my plate. A little more than I can chew……….if you will. It all became crystal clear a few minutes ago.

People react differently to stress. My Harley Stud gets cranky and yells at everyone. Me………? I drop my basket. Not all at once but one egg at a time. I forget to do important things. I do things and then forget that I did them. I become distracted to the point that I can’t complete a coherent sentence. People begin to question my sanity. Let me give you an example.

I was talking with Daugher #2 about which one of us would pick up her prescription from the pharmacy when I realized that I dropped off a prescription for myself last week but never returned to pick it up. Or did I? Uh Oh! Imagine my embarrassment when I made the call. It went like this:

Me: Hi, this is Smart Mouth Broad. I dropped off a prescription last week but I don’t think I picked it up.

Pharmacist: Let me check………………………………….Yes, we filled that on May 14^th.

Me: Did I pick it up?

Ph: *pauses as she considers if perhaps I’ve been taking a little too much medication* Well, let me see…………………………………….No, it’s still here.

I need a break. You may not see me around for awhile. Or maybe you will. This blog just might be the one thing that’s helping me to keep it all together except that I’m not keeping it together. If you don’t see me here much or at your place, please don’t take it personally. I still love you!

Hugs,

SMB