RERUNS

As previously announced, I’m re-posting the Best of SMB this week – aka – the first posts that nobody but my family read.

MINI MID-LIFE CRISIS (First posted 8/2/08)

What was I thinking!

After hearing those dreaded words from my physician the other day informing me of my advancing age, I hauled myself into the gym. As I explained to my doctor, I exercise regularly and have for 2 ½ years. I have to admit that my routine has become a bit stale and I haven’t felt challenged for awhile. Maybe I need to try something new. These were the thoughts that were going through my head as I walked into the gym. I am not someone who truly enjoys the process of working out. The whole “runner’s high” thing – never experienced it. I’ve run 6k and 10k runs before………..nothing. My favorite part is when it’s over. But I realize that working out is a necessary evil in my life and I trudge on. The most enjoyable experience I’ve had while exercising has been taking aerobics classes. I think this is because I enjoy laughing even if it’s at myself. So anyway, I stopped at the desk on my way into the gym and asked if they plan to add any evening classes. I was told they do not. The classes are not well attended and they have to pay the instructors. I wanted to say that maybe the classes might be better attended if they held them when average people weren’t at work. I didn’t say that though. Instead, I continued on to the locker room and started up a conversation on this topic with a complete stranger. My new friend suggested that I try the IRON BODIES class that she was on her way to right that very moment. I made my “I don’t think so face” and told her that I thought I might be better matched with a Soft, Round, Cushy Body class. “Do they have any of those?” She smiled very sweetly and told me that the class is a great all over body work-out, you don’t need to bring anything more than a towel and water and you can go at your own pace. Uh, huh. Right.

For some reason that still is a mystery to me, I followed her into the classroom where IRON BODIES was being held. The instructor, Chris, looked like a nice enough man. He welcomed me as “fresh meat” and smiled as he instructed me to be sure to work at my own pace.

The music began. We used all sorts of toys during the class. There were steps, free weights, body bars, and rubber bands. We ran, forward and backward, we lunged, we lifted and moved to the music in ways this tired body has not moved for awhile. At mid-point in the class, as I was gasping for air and gulping down water, the nice woman from the locker room asked how I was doing. As I wiped the sweat from my brow, I told her that I didn’t think we could be friends. She offered encouragement saying that I was doing great. I was not convinced.

I don’t really consider myself competitive but at some point I completely forgot those words “at your own pace”. I don’t know what happened to me. I was determined to keep up with my classmates that have been taking this class on a regular basis. I’m not saying that I was keeping up with them but I was certainly trying. I didn’t quit. There were times I had to slow down to avoid collapsing in an embarrassing heap on the floor. But eventually we arrived at my favorite part: The end. I walked out of the gym on that day proud of my accomplishment. Thoughts like,” don’t tell me I’m getting older.”, “I’ve still got it.” “I finished, didn’t I? “ all went through my head.

Driving home, it occurred to me that maybe pushing myself to the limit on the very day that my doctor tells me that my blood pressure is high and I could be at risk for stroke might not have been the most intelligent decision I’ve ever made. What was I thinking! I think I could be having my own mini mid-life crisis. My “I’ll show you” attitude would not have played well had I stroked out on the dance floor.

Around 4:30pm the next day, I was reminded of my foolish behavior the day before. I had trouble standing up from my desk. For the next two days, I was stiff and sore beyond belief. Returning to the gym was out of the question as walking was barely possible. Oh yeah, I really showed ‘em.

You know, I really thought I was above all this. I thought getting older wouldn’t bother me. And it didn’t until that day that I woke up and saw bags under my eyes that don’t disappear after I’m completely awake, lines around my mouth and excess me around the middle that doesn’t want to budge no matter how much I diet and exercise. Oh and let us not forget the words of Dr. Good News. So apparently, I’m not above it all. I wonder if there a way to approach 50 years old …………….. (someday) …………..without having at least an occasional melt-down? Is there a way to escape this desperate attempt to hang on to our youth or is it something that we should just embrace and go for it?

Will there be another IRON BODIES class in my future? You bet but this time I will go at my own pace with nothing to prove to anyone but myself. And the next time I see a middle-aged, overweight, balding man in a little red corvette, I will still smile but it will be a knowing smile saying, hey, buddy, I’m right there with you.

Hugs,

Smart Mouth Broad

ALMOST ANOTHER MIDLIFE CRISIS

We were away for the weekend and arrived home late last night. I don’t know what it is about squeezing every last second out of a mini-vacation but we always do it and we always feel like poop on a stick the next day.

Anyway, it was late, I was tired and all I wanted was to go to bed. I quickly breezed thru my night-time routine. The last step is to take my birth-control pill.

There are some lurkers here that should probably have stepped away from the screen before that last paragraph. Daddy, Uncle M, my daughters, and my niece. Yeah, you. For the record, I don’t have sex, I simply take those little pills because I need the 5 extra pounds, they help me remember what day it is, it helps to relieve my Oh screw it, yes, I have sex, dammit! (Not really, Daddy)

Anyway, something happened when I pushed that little round pill thru the foil pack that has never happened to me before. The pill crumbled into my hand. EEK! I stared at it in shock. I tried not to panic. This would require some clear thinking. This little tiny pill is all that remains between me and a little tiny mini-me.

I love my children more than life itself. Don’t get me wrong. But the LAST thing I want at forty *cough* eight years old is a baby. Those mid-life crisis babies are a b*tch! I know because I am one.

I really don’t have anything to worry about because I am 100 percent certain that if I told MHS we were expecting again, he would kill me in my sleep. He has just the gun to do it too. Now of course, he might be more sneaky about it and poison or drown me. Mark my words, if I suddenly become DEAD, perform a pregnancy test.

I don’t mean to imply that MHS doesn’t love our children either but after 24 years of child rearing, he’s looking forward to some undivided attention. He’s not getting it since I’ve discovered blogging but he is still holding out hope that I’ll lose interest in this whole blogging thing and come back to him. Silly man.

So, I’m staring at the pile of pill crumbs in my palm and wondering what is the best way to make certain that I get all the crumbs ingested. I don’t want to leave any margin for error. So I licked my hand. Yes.I.Did! And then just to be sure, I licked the inside of the plastic container too. You can’t take any chances.

ONE DAY AT A TIME, MY ARSE! I want it NOW!

By now, you've probably seen the cover of this week's People magazine. You know the one with little Valerie Bertinelli, the girl we all loved in One Day at a Time. She is 48 now, soon to be 49 years old and revealed her smokin' hot, new body, in a bikini no less, on the cover. Yeah, I hate her. But seriously, good for her. This struck a chord with me because we are the same age. Well, she's a bit older. *smirk*

Ironically the People magazine arrived in my office mailbox yesterday: The very same day that I woke up, took one look in the mirror and said, "Who the hell are you?" I didn't recognize the face staring back at me. I look like crap! There are bags under my eyes that you could pack for a month long vacation. There are lines on my face that would give MapQuest a run for its money. I don't even want to talk about my grey roots. Does anyone know how to get your hair to stop growing? Oh and let's not forget the mini me that's attached itself to my mid-section. Oh yeah, there's a whole other person cohabitating with my body. I've got proof. Just look at the scale. Wait! Stop! You're just going to have to take my word for it on that. Bottom line: I've come to the realization that I'm no longer pushing forty. I'm draggin it.

It took a while but I finally got over the shock of this over-night transformation, (Don't tell me it didn't happen overnight. That's my story and I'm stickin to it.) So I sat myself down and had a talk with myself. It went something like this:

Me: "Damn, girl! You've really let yourself go."

Me also: "Go where? Where are we going? "

*Apparently the new me is not only a wreck, she's also stupid. Grrr.*

Me: "We've got to do something about this. What do you propose that we do?"

Me also: "I like donuts. Can we go get donuts?"

Me: "That's it. You're going back to the gym today! You're going back on the South Beach Diet" There is no excuse for a woman your age to let herself go like this, Do you hear me, Soldier?"

Me also: "Does that mean we can't stop at Dunkin Donuts? Not even for a muffin?"

Me: "You are really thick, you know it?"

So then I get to the office and see cutesy, little Ms. Bertinelli on the cover. That might have p*ssed off a weaker woman. Not me! It just strengthened my resolve. If VB can do it by her 49^th birthday, by gosh, so can I. *Oh dear Lord, have I lost my mind?*

I've got until December 2009 to literally get my rear in gear. I'm going to start drinking more water and less wine beer coffee. I'm going to get more rest. I'm going to hit the gym or exercise elsewhere vigorously 4-5 times a week. I am going to follow the South Beach Diet because it works for me when I actually follow it. I'm not saying that I'll be modeling any bikini come December but mark my words:

I will be a smaller, fitter, crankier happier Smart Mouth Broad.

And I'll be doing it all…….One Day at a Time.

WHAT IS A BANDWAGON? And why is it so easy to fall off?

I jumped on the traditional January bandwagon today………………..backwards. Technically, I guess I jumped off. At a time when millions are flocking to gyms and weight loss centers everywhere; I canceled my gym membership. Yes, I did. I walked in sans exercise equipment and signed my name on the dotted line. There is a thirty day notice policy in effect that allows me to continue not working out until February 15^th but officially, I am no longer a member.

You may or may not remember that my motivation for establishing this blog was to create a place where I could hold myself accountable by proclaiming my successes and failures publicly in my quest for better fitness, a more youthful appearance and most importantly arse removal. If you are a new reader or don't remember that post, you can click here to see what I had to say in my very first blog post. Since that time, I have posted about a few of my gym experiences, and discussed my diet regimen or lack thereof occasionally but for the most part, this blog has become more about my nonsensical life and all the joys that lie therein. I'm OK with that. It is what it is.

That being said, I still feel the burden that is finding the ever-elusive fit me, the healthy me, dare I say the smaller version of me that is out there somewhere, I just know it. Someone told me that they saw her at Whole Foods but by the time I got there, she was GONE! **sigh**

Here is the real deal:

• In the three years that I have been working out on a regular basis (with the exception of the holiday season this year) I have basically gotten nowhere. I lost and gained weight throughout and in the end can say with pride frustration that I am ten pounds lighter than I was when I started. Not good enough. I guess it's better than finding myself ten pounds heavier but three years! Come on!
  
• I want/need to find a diet that is as much about changing my eating habits as it is about losing weight. I have no interest in going on a temporary fad diet because history shows, the weight just comes back. I understand that in order to lose weight the caloric consumption must be more restrictive now and will loosen up a bit for a maintenance plan. I think I will be going back to the South Beach Diet because it's healthy and it includes all the food groups. I am a foodie and cannot will not cut any one food group out of my diet. SBD does restrict carbs but eventually you add them back in measured doses.
  
• My workout has become stale. I know that I enjoy classes more than working out independently but my old gym's class offerings didn't accommodate my schedule. It caters more to the stay at home mom, the senior citizens and the independently wealthy crowd. Every time they try to open an after-normal working hours class, it is poorly attended (meaning I'm the only one who shows up) and is eventually canceled.
  
• There is another gym near my office that offers multiple evening classes. It is a national chain. They have another location not too far from my house should the desire strike me for a weekend workout. The membership is the same price as my old gym. I'm not sure what the time commitment is.
  
• I have a treadmill in my bedroom that currently serves as a clothes hanger. The motor needs to be replaced. I can't imagine this repair would be too costly.
  
• I get the Fit Tv channel, I have a dvd player and I own several exercise videos. The problem with working out at home is that I always think that I will do it later and later never seems to happen.
  
• I've always wanted to be a runner but since our trip out West on the bikes last year, my knees have aged to 78 while I have only progressed to the ripe old age of none of your business. Osteo BiFlex wants to be my friend but I keep forgetting to take the darn pills.
  

I have to do something and it really should be now. Time is slipping by fast and it's already been over a month since I've exercised. Sadly my eating habits have gone to hell in a hand-basket too. It seems that the whole world is telling me to get up off my arse and just do it. People magazine showed three women on their cover that lost half their body weight. Thankfully, I don't have that much to lose. So why is it so hard for me to stick to a plan? I get at least 10 emails a day on my blackberry telling me to lose weight and exercise. Well, maybe not in those exact words.

Geri over at New Wrinkles did a recent post where she tells just how important exercise is to the aging process. New Wrinkles is a blog dedicated to giving important information on all sorts of health topics. It seems some people feel it's a better use of their time to actually give helpful information on their blog instead of the (almost) daily dose of silliness you find here. **wink**

So, peeps! Any suggestions? What's a girl to do? Are you frustrated too? Have you found the answer? I'm not talking resolutions here. What's your plan to get into shape? Or have you just decided that being fat and sassy ain't all that bad?

Oh and today I read over at Bear Naked that Physical Fitness helps your brain! SIGN.ME.UP! I need all the help I can get in that department. This case of Midlife Distraction is killing me.

HOLDING MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE

A week or so ago, I walked into the local supermarket and witnessed a little boy hopping onto the scales. He was very excited as he told his father, "Look, Daddy, I'm 40 pounds!" All I could think was "Oh my gawd! I have to lose a four year old!" Well, I'm pleased to say that after a change in diet and exercise, I now only have to lose a three year old.

It was about six weeks ago that I started this blog. I was mortified motivated by the proclamation of my physician that I was indeed no longer a spring chicken. After I recovered from the shock of that statement, I sat myself down and made a list of goals and then posted them on the internet for all the world to see, thinking that maybe this might help to keep me on track. So in the spirit of accountability, it's time to see just how far I've come.

The original goals listed were as follows:

• Lose weight or grow taller – no luck on the growing taller but as of this morning, I have lost a total of 13lbs. (more than 25% of my weight loss goal)
  
• Improve my fitness level – I've taken up spinning classes and I'm still trying to make it back to iron bodies. I find that while I have been working out at the gym independently for over 2 years, a drill sergeant instructor motivates me to work harder and challenge myself.
  
• Lower my blood pressure – Turns out that the blood-pressure reading was most likely a false high brought on by the utter excitement (NOT) and anticipation of my lower-body inspection.
  
• Eat a healthy diet and practice portion control – I started the South Beach Diet, (loosely) I stay in phase I because I never seem to make it thru the two weeks without cheating. If I wasn't losing weight, I would tighten up my restrictions but I prefer to be strict most of the time and have fun on the weekends. Almost daily, I visit Kalyn's Kitchen for recipe ideas.
  
• Lose weight (I thought it might help to list this one twice - Sometimes I need a reminder, it's that mental pause thing.
  
• Blog all about it – obviously.
  
• Define myself as "at that age when……I am energetic, fit, healthy and lovin' life! – I may not be there yet but definitely working in the right direction! Step by step, I'm gettin' there.
  

I've learned a few things along this journey too:

• Readers have told me that I inspire them with my little successes and determination.
  
• I don't need chocolate as much as I thought I did. (At least most of the time)
  
• Friendship is not about geography.
  
• I can still be a foodie and make healthy, delicious dishes for my family.
  
• When I go on a diet, MHS loses weight!
  
• I really need to invest in a better, more supportive sports bra if I plan to continue to spin. You want your legs to go at the speed of light but not your uh, well, you know. It's not pretty. Recommendations, anyone?
  
• The support and encouragement of friends and family is key to your success. So, friends, care to join me on this quest for fitness? It's more fun with buddies!