WHAT IS A BANDWAGON? And why is it so easy to fall off?

I jumped on the traditional January bandwagon today………………..backwards. Technically, I guess I jumped off. At a time when millions are flocking to gyms and weight loss centers everywhere; I canceled my gym membership. Yes, I did. I walked in sans exercise equipment and signed my name on the dotted line. There is a thirty day notice policy in effect that allows me to continue not working out until February 15^th but officially, I am no longer a member.

You may or may not remember that my motivation for establishing this blog was to create a place where I could hold myself accountable by proclaiming my successes and failures publicly in my quest for better fitness, a more youthful appearance and most importantly arse removal. If you are a new reader or don't remember that post, you can click here to see what I had to say in my very first blog post. Since that time, I have posted about a few of my gym experiences, and discussed my diet regimen or lack thereof occasionally but for the most part, this blog has become more about my nonsensical life and all the joys that lie therein. I'm OK with that. It is what it is.

That being said, I still feel the burden that is finding the ever-elusive fit me, the healthy me, dare I say the smaller version of me that is out there somewhere, I just know it. Someone told me that they saw her at Whole Foods but by the time I got there, she was GONE! **sigh**

Here is the real deal:

• In the three years that I have been working out on a regular basis (with the exception of the holiday season this year) I have basically gotten nowhere. I lost and gained weight throughout and in the end can say with pride frustration that I am ten pounds lighter than I was when I started. Not good enough. I guess it's better than finding myself ten pounds heavier but three years! Come on!
  
• I want/need to find a diet that is as much about changing my eating habits as it is about losing weight. I have no interest in going on a temporary fad diet because history shows, the weight just comes back. I understand that in order to lose weight the caloric consumption must be more restrictive now and will loosen up a bit for a maintenance plan. I think I will be going back to the South Beach Diet because it's healthy and it includes all the food groups. I am a foodie and cannot will not cut any one food group out of my diet. SBD does restrict carbs but eventually you add them back in measured doses.
  
• My workout has become stale. I know that I enjoy classes more than working out independently but my old gym's class offerings didn't accommodate my schedule. It caters more to the stay at home mom, the senior citizens and the independently wealthy crowd. Every time they try to open an after-normal working hours class, it is poorly attended (meaning I'm the only one who shows up) and is eventually canceled.
  
• There is another gym near my office that offers multiple evening classes. It is a national chain. They have another location not too far from my house should the desire strike me for a weekend workout. The membership is the same price as my old gym. I'm not sure what the time commitment is.
  
• I have a treadmill in my bedroom that currently serves as a clothes hanger. The motor needs to be replaced. I can't imagine this repair would be too costly.
  
• I get the Fit Tv channel, I have a dvd player and I own several exercise videos. The problem with working out at home is that I always think that I will do it later and later never seems to happen.
  
• I've always wanted to be a runner but since our trip out West on the bikes last year, my knees have aged to 78 while I have only progressed to the ripe old age of none of your business. Osteo BiFlex wants to be my friend but I keep forgetting to take the darn pills.
  

I have to do something and it really should be now. Time is slipping by fast and it's already been over a month since I've exercised. Sadly my eating habits have gone to hell in a hand-basket too. It seems that the whole world is telling me to get up off my arse and just do it. People magazine showed three women on their cover that lost half their body weight. Thankfully, I don't have that much to lose. So why is it so hard for me to stick to a plan? I get at least 10 emails a day on my blackberry telling me to lose weight and exercise. Well, maybe not in those exact words.

Geri over at New Wrinkles did a recent post where she tells just how important exercise is to the aging process. New Wrinkles is a blog dedicated to giving important information on all sorts of health topics. It seems some people feel it's a better use of their time to actually give helpful information on their blog instead of the (almost) daily dose of silliness you find here. **wink**

So, peeps! Any suggestions? What's a girl to do? Are you frustrated too? Have you found the answer? I'm not talking resolutions here. What's your plan to get into shape? Or have you just decided that being fat and sassy ain't all that bad?

Oh and today I read over at Bear Naked that Physical Fitness helps your brain! SIGN.ME.UP! I need all the help I can get in that department. This case of Midlife Distraction is killing me.

PRETTY AS A PEACOCK

Sometime last week I stopped to get gas on my way to work. All the pumps were occupied so I pulled over in the parking lot to wait for an available pump. While I was waiting, I looked over to the pumps and this is what I saw.

I've seen these birds before at the station. It just never occurred to me to take their picture until I was telling a friend about them one day and realized that I always have my camera with me and should take a few pictures at the next opportunity. So opportunity knocked and I answered. There are actually three peacocks that hang out at this gas station but only two of them wanted to have their picture taken.

This guy seemed to like me and kept coming closer. He's quite a ham, don't you think?

He seemed to change his mind for a minute.

And then did an about-face and said, "OK, Smart Mouth, I'm ready for my close-up."

By this time, a pump opened up and son of a gun if he didn't follow me. Then the other two started to come over. While I was pumping my gas, they kept coming closer and closer. My car is quite bright and colorful. I think they may have thought I was a really big peacock.

THE BIKER NAZI MAKES FRIENDS

A little message to The Saint

Everyone is gone. It's weird to have an empty nest again. Oh, wait! I almost forgot that goofy looking handsome gentleman staying at the other end of the house in our guest room known affectionately on this blog as The Biker Nazi.

After more than a month of chaos, I didn't even leave my house the whole day on Saturday. I spent the entire day cleaning and resting, cleaning and resting. In fact, I didn't even get out of my jammies until about 4pm.

On Sunday, I was itching to get out and do something again. I suggested a bike ride might be in order and My Harley Stud and The Biker Nazi were more than happy to oblige. We set off for the historic district in Stuart. We had lunch at a locally owned sports bar (during the Dolpins game) and opted for the outside seating. It was a beautiful day. The food was great but the service was well….not so much. If you remember my earlier posts from our trip to Indiana, you know that poor service seems to follow The Biker Nazi. Or maybe it's just when he is with me. Anyway, it seems our very young server had a little too much party and too little sleep the night before. She had no problem in telling us this little tidbit though it became pretty clear as the lunch progressed. I may be showing my age here but my tolerance for poor customer service is at an all time low. Call in sick for Pete's sake. But if you're going to go to the trouble to show up, at least SHOW UP. And this concludes my anger management session for this post. (I just needed to get that off my chest.) MHS and BN weren't nearly as aggravated by the lack of service as I was.

After lunch, we decided to take a stroll through the shops in the historic district. I stopped to look at these in the window: (Psst! They are hand-made.)

Imagine my surprise to look up and see this in the window:
I realize the glare is pretty bad but you are seeing just what I saw: A Biker Nazi mannequin


BN kept disappearing into these cool little shops. Now if the man would have done more of this on our trip out West, my arse would have been a lot happier with him. We saw a welcome mat in this store that read: I like your underpants. (Get it?) Well, I thought it was funny.

That's an old theatre on the right that is still in business. The Three Rednecks were performing that day. We heard great things about them but didn't check it out.

We eventually made our way to the waterfront and a jazz festival which we found out is held the first Sunday of every month. I know where we'll be the first Sunday in February.

The music was great and the setting was perfect. Who knew the Biker Nazi likes jazz!

We're from Indiana. Now Hoosiers are known for their hospitality. MHS and I have just grown accustomed to the stand-offishness of the South Floridians. But the Biker Nazi knows no strangers. He considers it his personal obligation to see if he can make these cool cucumbers speak to him. On this particular outing, MHS and BN were attracting all the "older" women.

Here's the conversation I overheard while taking this picture:

BN-Cool! I just saw a stingray!

Older woman #1 - A stingray, really? Where?

Older woman #2 - Show us!

BN-Oh, sorry, he went under the dock. Stick your toe in the water. That'll make him come out.

MHS-smiles and remains completely silent.

OW#1-I'm not sticking my toe in that water. You stick your toe in the water.

BN-I can't. I don't have any toes. I lost them in a stingray accident.

ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS

As I write this, it is the twelfth night also known as Epiphany. Tomorrow is considered the twelfth day of Christmas which means almost nothing in the United States but is considered a public holiday in some countries. At the Smart Mouth/Harley Stud household, it is the last day that the Christmas tree and outdoor Christmas lights are lit. I won't actually take down the decorations until the weekend but we will no longer "light up" after tonight. We are going dark again. It's kind of sad. I love my Christmas decorations more than my year-round decorations for some reason. And I literally remove every single non-Christmas item of décor for the season. It all goes into the Christmas boxes and back into the attic until the dreaded day arrives to take down Christmas. All over Bloggyland I am hearing how people can't wait to get the stuff back into the attic or garage or whatever facility you use to store your seasonal stuff. As for me, I am saddened to take it down. Oh, believe me, I'm glad that the hoopla is over. We had a great time but I am D.O.N.E. for another eleven months. It's just that I love my Christmas decorations. Maybe I should move to the North Pole so I could leave them up year-round. Ya think? MHS would never go for that. The man can't stand to wear long-sleeved pants.

Anyway, I figure after tonight it will no longer be acceptable to do another Christmas post for another year and I have a great story to tell about the best darn Christmas present that I never gave. Before I get to that, here are a few more pictures from our annual trip to Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party.

Oh.Yes.We.Did! But we never lose each other. And it's so much FUN!

The magic of Disney: It snows on Main Street! Look real closely and you can see it.

Pretty maids all in a row

There really is no better time to visit Disney than at Christmas. It's just so beautiful!

These college kids, they never grow weary. Miss Lolly and I were dragging at this point (almost 1am) but the girls were still looking fresh as daisies.

We were on our way home from the Mouse House the next morning and Miss Lolly was telling me about her awful experience when she had to take a drug test for a job. It's a very funny story about a clinic in a bad part of town (Yes, we do have some very shady areas even in Palm Beach County) with a skeevy bathroom where she was instructed to "pee in a cup." Now Miss Lolly is just about the sweetest person I know. Think about the sweetest person you've ever encountered and then multiply it by ten. I'm serious. The woman just oozes marshmallow, chocolate, creamy goodness. And it's sincere! Really. I don't know how she does it. But sweetness of that caliber cannot be faked.

So anyway, Miss Lolly does not EVER pee. She excuses herself to go to the ladies room. She "powders" her nose. But she NEVER pees. So just having a stranger ask her to "pee in a cup" was quite revolting to her. She enters the skeevy restroom to perform the required task and is carefully trying to balance herself in such a way that no item of her clothing or part of her body is allowed to touch the floor, the wall or any part of that disgusting excuse for a restroom in a medical facility. She takes so long that they begin to knock on the door to ask if there is a problem. Of course when you are providing a urine sample, they don't want you dilly dallying in there for fear that you might be switching out your urine for the urine you have in your pockets. Oh that's right! They make you empty your pockets before you go into the skeevy restroom. This caused another brewha as Miss Lolly explained that the pockets in her suit were sewn shut. Her explanation of how the suit lays nicer if the pockets are not allowed to gap was completely lost on the lab tech at this particular facility.

I truly would have loved to have been there to witness this scene. Listening to her tell it, I could not stop laughing and the picture I created in my head as she told the tale was the stuff from which sitcoms are made.

Miss Lolly's story reminded me of the first time that D1 was asked to give a urine sample at the pediatrician's office when she was three years old. I told how the nurse had asked her to please take the cup and tinkle in it and bring it back to the nurse. D1 refused. She explained very politely that you tinkle in the potty. You drink from a cup. The nurse tried again. I need you to tinkle in the cup just this time. D1 remained firm. You tinkle in the potty (said with an exasperated look on her face). You drink from a cup. The nurse explained that she needed D1 to tinkle in the cup so she could test her tinkle and make sure she was healthy. D1 replied and I quote: "Trust me, I'm healthy." (This smart mouth stuff runs in the family.) The nurse then turned to me and asked if I would take the cup home and see if I could get her to give a sample there. I assured her that if she failed in this clinical setting, there was no way she was going to do it for me at home. No sample was ever provided but the child survived so she must have been correct. She WAS healthy.

Miss Lolly laughed and said they should have provided a vile or some sort of container that didn't look like a cup.

I said, "Oh no, this cup looked just like the ones they use at Williams and Sonoma to sample the warm cider.

Miss Lolly made a face and said, Eewwwwwwwww, I'll never be able to sample anything there again. No worries though! I hate that damn warm cider!"

At this, I started to laugh so hard there were tears streaming down my face. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop laughing. Miss Lolly, D2 and DEErella were all looking at me like I was crazy. First of all, Miss Lolly NEVER swears. Me, I swear. I pee. I do and say a lot of things that Miss Lolly wouldn't dream of. So it WAS funny to hear her say "DAMN". But that was only part of the source of my amusement.

You see, after sampling the warm mulled cider at Williams and Sonoma this year, I decided it would make the perfect gift for Miss Lolly's family. I bought mugs, I bought cinnamon stirs, and I bought the cider concentrate and the mulling spices. I thought I was so clever! Turns out………………not so much!

I eventually caught my breath and revealed what I thought was so funny. And on Christmas Eve, the only thing that was a bigger hit than the meatballs was the DAMN.WARM.CIDER.

Of course I added a little spiced rum.

THE HOLIDAYS IN A NUTSHELL (or is that a nut house?)

This is just one of my favorite Christmas decorations. It's how I would have to start any letter to Santa.

I've been a bad, bad blogger. I have taken a very long break and now that I've mustered the energy and found the will and the time to put my fingers back on the keyboard and return to bloggyville, I've got nothing. I read somewhere (and I apologize that I've forgotten who said it) in one of the many blogs I've read trying to catch up, that the first post of the year should be something clever, interesting and worthy of the first post of the year. Geesh! Talk about pressure. After giving the matter a great deal of consideration and still coming up with zip, zero, nada: I decided to let my camera do the talking. The following is a photographic diary of my holiday season. While you're looking at my holiday pictures, I'll be trying to think of something clever, witty and interesting for my next post. Wish me luck!

Making these n0-sew blankets for D1, D2, Nole Boy and the Officer and a Gentleman was the cause of my severe lack of sleep and very large bags under my eyes during the pre-holiday season. It was during this time that a neighbor kid who works in produce at the grocery said to me, "Hey, Ms. Smart Mouth, you look really tired." I punched him right in the face.
OK, I didn't but I really wanted to. I'm gonna have a talk with his mother about the things a man should never say to a woman.

Pixie shows her appreciation of D2's arrival home for the holidays.

We did make it to Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party and D2 and CinDEEerella wasted no time making a beeline for the candy store to get their all-day suckers. I may post more about this later.....if I remember.

The annual Christmas Eve open house went off without a hitch. The meatballs were a success again. That is my niece, SMB in Training in the striped top.
(Yes, that is MHS in a Santa tie)

We did finally get the tree decorated. Those two big ornaments in front are my favorites. *wink*

Daddy and Daisy were with us for Christmas.

Santa brought Daddy a new Seminole shirt.

An Officer and a Gentleman was home on leave. He had to leave to return to San Diego on the 26th but we were so glad to have him with us for Christmas.

Nole Boy and D2 were happy to celebrate the season together.

The Biker Nazi and The Saint arrived the day after Christmas with their two boys and a girlfriend. We took a little day trip on the bikes and explored this historic lighthouse in Jupiter.

The view from the lighthouse is beautiful. This inlet is one of my favorite places in the world. The lighthouse is actually on a military base. The white houses below are Coast Guard housing.

The gang is all ready for their night out on New Years Eve. The boys belong to the Biker Nazi and The Saint. D2 left earlier for a party with Nole Boy. They all met up later and rang in the New Year together.


D1 is all decked out in her Fancy Nancy attire for her birthday on New Years Day. Twenty-four or four? I'm not sure. *wink*

We were truly blessed with a very happy holiday season. Now everyone has left and it's just MHS and I again. .......oh.... and the Biker Nazi who decided to stay on for awhile. Stay tuned as I'm sure there will be some real blog material in the days ahead.