Monday, April 13, 2009


birth control

We were away for the weekend and arrived home late last night. I don’t know what it is about squeezing every last second out of a mini-vacation but we always do it and we always feel like poop on a stick the next day.

Anyway, it was late, I was tired and all I wanted was to go to bed. I quickly breezed thru my night-time routine. The last step is to take my birth-control pill.

There are some lurkers here that should probably have stepped away from the screen before that last paragraph. Daddy, Uncle M, my daughters, and my niece. Yeah, you. For the record, I don’t have sex, I simply take those little pills because I need the 5 extra pounds, they help me remember what day it is, it helps to relieve my Oh screw it, yes, I have sex, dammit! (Not really, Daddy)

Anyway, something happened when I pushed that little round pill thru the foil pack that has never happened to me before. The pill crumbled into my hand. EEK! I stared at it in shock. I tried not to panic. This would require some clear thinking. This little tiny pill is all that remains between me and a little tiny mini-me.

I love my children more than life itself. Don’t get me wrong. But the LAST thing I want at forty *cough* eight years old is a baby. Those mid-life crisis babies are a b*tch! I know because I am one.

I really don’t have anything to worry about because I am 100 percent certain that if I told MHS we were expecting again, he would kill me in my sleep. He has just the gun to do it too. Now of course, he might be more sneaky about it and poison or drown me. Mark my words, if I suddenly become DEAD, perform a pregnancy test.

I don’t mean to imply that MHS doesn’t love our children either but after 24 years of child rearing, he’s looking forward to some undivided attention. He’s not getting it since I’ve discovered blogging but he is still holding out hope that I’ll lose interest in this whole blogging thing and come back to him. Silly man.

So, I’m staring at the pile of pill crumbs in my palm and wondering what is the best way to make certain that I get all the crumbs ingested. I don’t want to leave any margin for error. So I licked my hand. Yes.I.Did! And then just to be sure, I licked the inside of the plastic container too. You can’t take any chances.


Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Oh my god woman! This is SO hilarious. IF you felt tlike poop on a stick before, what must it be now. Seriously, so so funny. My hubs is just the same.

smiles4u said...

This is so flippin funny! Oh can you just imagine? Getting pregnant at 48? For most of us it would be a cruel nasty joke. I will be going to sleep tonight thinking about this...and it will make me laugh again...and if my laughing wakes up my husband, I am totally blaming you!

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

FOFL...I missed a pill once..called my doctor in a panic and he said..."Mona..take two, they're small!!" and HUNG UP ON ME!! Hey..if he had just had his 7th he would have called his doctor too!!!
That is about one of the funniest things I have read in my entire life and I have been around the block..MORE than a few times!!
Poor old Howard yelled in and said.."WHAT!!!" And again...I said it's SMB..and he said.."oh...ok..." He is getting used to it! LOL LOL..

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

Oh...and you are totally welcome to come and eat Easter dinner with us ANY OLD TIME!! :)

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I would have licked my hand too. I had my tubes tied while in the hospital after having my 3rd. My pregnancies were high risk and I wasn't supposed to have more than 2 kids. (Oops!) Anyway - I don't need to worry about licking my hand as a result!

only a movie said...

Hysterical. I don't miss worrying about taking those things!!
Too freaking funny, SMB.

Beth said...

You absolutely just made my day!

I'm glad you thought to lick your hand. I thought you were going to tell us you snorted the dust. :)

And with you about them babies. They were a ton o' fun but sleep is nice, too.

Reader Wil said...

Your sense of humour is so fantastic! Didn't the instruction leaflet say :" in case of crumbling lick the d** thing"?
Thanks for this hilarious post! Thanks for your visit and you are right: they are the ugliest photos I ever showed on my blog!

lisa said...

SMB, remember this 48, pills = good, babies = not so good.

Gaston Studio said...

LOL, I've done the same thing (way back when I took the damn things, that is!), never occured to me NOT to lick my hand. Although Beth has a great idea, snorting would have probably worked too!

Too funny!

Oz Girl said...

Getting prego at 48 would be the cruelest, nastiest joke in the whole entire world. My mom says if that happened to me, why, I could just give the baby to my son & his wife (they've had 2 miscarriages), and they would love me forevermore!

I'm with you, I do NOT want a mid-life snotty-nosed angel. I love my child to death, but just because you do it once does not mean you want to take up the 2nd part of your life with another one. Everytime I think maybe, just maybe, I can stop taking those durned lil pills, I think nooooooooo, not yet, not yet..... just in case.

OH, and I dropped one in the sink more than once, and even flipped one into the bathtub, but I've been ever so lucky that they haven't gone down the drain. Yet.

Linda said...

Girl, you are a RIOT! Way too funny. Been there, done that!

Midlife Mama said...

LOL This was great. I had my tubes tied years ago so no more baby worries for me. I did NOT want a post-40 baby, thankyouvermuch. Ugh. I get tired just watching toddlers running around stores.

Jan said...

As I read this, all I could think was, "Lick your hand, SMB - go ahead! LICK YOUR HAND! DO IT!"

I believe I actually cheered when you said you not only licked your hand, but the inside of the little plastic blister, too.

That's my girl.

MilesPerHour said...

At 48 yeras old I know what you mean. I posted on the subject of birth control and how I dealt with it once I knew I wasn't gonna have kids - snip, snip, that's it. All done. No worries.

blueviolet@A Nut in a Nutshell said...

I would have done the same exact thing! Take.No.Chances!

Joan said...

I would have eaten the plastic blister that covered it as well. A girl can't be too careful.

Michel said...

holy crap! I would have simply told my hubby there will be no more sex until the next round of merriment with the fresh pills starts again.

you can never be too careful.

ps You're a ho. (You're welcome SMB's daddy.)

Tricia said...

I'd never have thought to lick the plastic bubble thing. Definitely words of wisdom here. I haven't taken those little pills in 10+ years, and with my luck this infertile mertile will end up with a surprise in my 40s. Not quite sure how I'd feel about that one.

Theresa said...

This is too funny, I can't stop laughing.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Pseudo, we may need to start sleeping with one eye open.

Smiles-Can you imagine! Hope I didn't keep you awake. LOL

Mona-I better not come for dinner. Howard might just kick my butt.

24-That's what I should have done years ago.

Movie-It is a pain in the butt.
I'm always forgetting.

Beth-Snorting it! Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?

Wil-The information packet? Oh, I throw that thing away.

Lisa-I'm chanting it right now.

Jane-I think Beth is a genius!

OzGirl-I think as long as we follow the 6 second rule, we're good. A little dog hair never hurt anyone.

Linda-I'm glad I'm not alone.

Mama-You're a smart woman.

Jan-But did you have pom poms?

MPH-I remember that post. That woman of yours is a lucky girl.

BV-I couldn't agree more.


Michel-You're no fun.

Tricia-Stick with me, kid. You'll always learn something here. LOL
I like surprises. Just not those kind of surprises.

Theresa-You should have seen the look on MHS's face when I told him what I did. I got that one raised eyebrow look. That's when I figured it was blog fodder.

Debbie said... had me almost pissing my pants at the poop on a stick thing but the rest was really should be on Last Comic Standing. It may not be too late to call ??? somebody who knows about this stuff and see if you can get in?? Really...I think they take Smart Mouth Broad's at those rehearsels! It's worth a try...and the time away from hubby would alleviate the birth control thing? Just sayin..

midlifeslices said...

ROFL, you're too funny! But really.....tell the REALLY have sex???

I know about those mid-life oops.....oh so well. I'll never stop raising kids and have my own life. Never. Ugh....

p.s. I'll bet MHS is oh so proud of this post. LOL

♥ Braja said...

Better safe than...well... pregnant :)

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"since I’ve discovered blogging but he is still holding out hope that I’ll lose interest in this whole blogging thing and come back to him. Silly man."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Gotta like that line.

Delaney said...

That was the one good thing about having to have a hysterectomy I don't have to take the freaking pills and no "that time of the month" BS. I could not imagine having a child when I was 48. Now if my married daughter doesn't start having kids soon she may find out - not that she's that age, but at 31, time's a wasting.

Debra said...

OMG! This is just too funny!!! I totally understand! And twins are more common in women over 40. I broke down last year at 43 and got the tubes tied. It is nice to not have to worry about that darn little pill anymore.