Monday, April 20, 2009

SHINY NEW GYM=SHINY NEW ME?

GYM

I recently switched gyms to accommodate my ever-increasing need to shake my booty. The gym that I joined is a national chain and my membership allows me to visit any location in the US. Keep that in mind when MHS and I show up on our Harley at your doorstep begging for a place to stay. I need to stay fit on my roadtrips, ya know. Last week the chain opened a new location just for me. ……I knooowww! That’s what I thought. It’s right on my way to or from work. I have no excuses now. Geesh.

Today I tried out the new location. First, it smells good. That’s very important to me. I’m a smelly broad. I like things to smell good and at the gym, that’s not always a given. It was clean and all the equipment was shiny.

I met a new friend in the locker room. She told me all about how she comes to the gym for cardio but goes to a fancy (read EXPENSIVE) pilates spa in one of those botanical garden malls that are so popular in this area. Each class is $20. She goes 3 times a week. She was talking it up like a sales rep. (She wasn’t a sales rep) She told me all about how the core exercises have changed her life and promised they could do the same for me. Apparently she didn’t see the hole in my t-shirt. Spending $60 a week on pilates isn’t going to happen until I get my government bailout package. What? Isn’t that what the bank execs did? They went to a spa.

I missed the beginning of the mat pilates class because I was making new friends in the locker room so I went straight to my old friend, the elliptical. I jumped on, queued my ipod to my gym playlist and I was like an exercise animal. Believe that? Nah, I didn’t think so.

So I’m chugging along and all of a sudden I hear talking in the background of my music. A rhythmic sing-song of words that didn’t seem to go with the song and I’m thinking, “I don’t remember this part.” Then the next song had that same background voice talking. I look over to my right and there is a woman with headphones in her hears chatting away. I think, “This crazy woman is talking to her ipod.” And suddenly it occurs to me that her ipod is actually an iphone and she is giving a lecture having a conversation with some poor schmuck a friend. And she goes on and on and on and on.

Because I’m a grown-up I know how to handle these situations. I turned up my volume and began to jam to my favorite tunes on my own ipod-nonphone.

When it got to the part, “Everybody look left, everybody look right”, I did. And she was gone. I might have been singing. If you ever want to clear a room, call me.

And now peeps, it’s time for Jack. And nothing comes between me and my black ops hero.

26 comments:

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

ugh... some people can't put down their phone even for a second... while in an airport last week I heard the lady in the next stall talking on hers and there was a lot of flushing going on in the place.. who wants to talk to someone while they're on the pot? OR while sweating on an exercise machine? ugh.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

smiles4u said...

First of all, if you and MHS showed up on your Harley, at my door step, the first thing you would have to do is take me for a ride. In return, I promise to work your a** off by letting you chase after 2 little people for the entire day... LOL! And then if that wasn't enough of a workout, I could have you do this 30 day shred work out with me...lol...or we could just call it a day and have some margaritta's?

Your new friend sounds interesting...spending $60 a week on an exercise class? Now this other woman that was working out next to you, did she have blond hair and look in her later 20's? If so, that could have been my daughter, who happens to call me while she is on one of those machines at the gym.

Fragrant Liar said...

Actually, my fave song is Hakuna Matata, but I do like Just Can't Wait to Be King. I would really like to dance to that stuff in an exercise class, but I think they're all too snotty and would want to dance to some latin jam or something. Geez.

So, you coming to my place or what?

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Yeah, cuz if you're coming by the Fragrant Liar digs, you'll be near me too. So when is that road trip. My husband can ride his bike with you - Fragrant Liar can ride Bitch for me since I don't get on it.

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

I'm going to give my poor 75 year old husband a heart attack some night when I let out a howl of laughter like I did reading this! Poor man thinks I'm nuts as it is. LOL I think he and I live in two different worlds. I love him..but..did already tell you he doesn't know where San Francisico is???? Sigh...

Blasé said...

Recently, two women at the Health Club-

1st: "Come over here and walk on the tread mill next to me"

2nd: "I will if you talk with me"

1st: "OK"

WTflyingF!?!

Jan said...

I can almost guarantee you that if you show up at my doorstep (will you??? PLEASE?????) there will be no gym in Podunk.

I do have a dusty treadmill and Bowflex in my basement, though. Will that work?

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Di-Eww. I have enough trouble trying to strategically balance myself over the seat without touching to add another task like talking on the phone.

Smiles-Sounds like a plan to me.

Liar-Hakuna Matata is one there too. I love the random shuffle of the ipod. You never know what will come up next.
Oh and careful what you ask for...

MLJH-It's sounding better and better.

Mona-He doesn't know where San Francisco is? Don't you live in California?

Blase-LOL

Jan-That works for me.

Gaston Studio said...

I've hard that Pilates is expensive, but wow! You just provided another excuse for me NOT to exercise!

If ever in eastern NC, you and MHS have a room awaiting you and I'll put you to work entertaining my puppy, Lexi. She wears me out!

Linda said...

If you and MHS show up at my door there will be wine, boating and free room & board! Come on over! and if you insist we can go hiking or something, but only if you insist.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Jane-I'm going to try the mat pilates at the gym (included in membership). I'll let you know how it goes. My daughter lives in NC, so you never know.......

Linda-Can I make my reservation now?

goodbadandugly2 said...

That is so crazy! But hang in there! I am still trying to maintain my exercise regime.... :)

Just MeMe said...

I really hate when people are on their cell phones and talk so loud that you think the other person on the phone is death.

I have tagged you on my blog, go check it out. {I know you are all a twitter now aren't ya??}

Reader Wil said...

I only use my mobile when I am travelling. Tomorrow I am going to meet an old friend in Utrecht. We both take our cellphones.Thanks for sharing and for your visit. Have a great week.

only a movie said...

I'm sure we have that chain-gym up here (in vacationland). You should come up sometime!

I do talk on my phone when I walk - but I walk out in the woods, so no one can overhear...

Stepping Thru said...

I started walking again and have found that I feel so much better after getting outside and raising my hear rate. I listen to my iPod but don't try to talk on the phone. Can't breathe!

Delaney said...

I am trying to get my butt out and walk Freddie by the little lake/pond that is in the next little town over but haven't gotten that ambitious yet. I hate the gym unless I have someone to suffer along with me. I really need to start walking but I seem to be glued to this stupid computer. I am a computer and internet junkie and all my good intentions never seem to get past that stage...just an intent, no follow through... {sigh}

Tessa said...

It would only take you less than a week to bike all the way to Ontario, and I'd have your own private gym (with a Wii) waiting for you downstairs. Or we could drink wine (for me) and beer (for you) while MHS and THF go sailing. Are you on?

Wunderwoman said...

I really need to start exercising, my niece is doing some kind of dances and loves it (she says all the hip movement helps with the sex too) may have to give it a try.

Theresa said...

Zumba, you must try Zumba classes, they are fun and exciting. Pilates are too hard for me.

Cristin said...

I have an elliptical machine in the basement... it's really great for hanging clothes on....

Beth said...

OMG! I want to work out with you! I'll sing, too.

My t-shirts have holes, too. I like them that way because they add a little extra natural AC.

midlifeslices said...

First of all, I see my sister feels better after raising her hear rate. I guess she doesn't want to miss anything the person on the treadmill next to her is saying. :)

Now, please don't show up at my house. Why? Because then I'd feel like an exercise slug with you running around burning all those calories. Or better yet, yes....show up and watch you and drink beer while you sweat to the oldies.

LiLu said...

I'm so bad about this... if I know the words to a song, I will sing them, no matter WHERE I am.

Seeing as I have the voice of someone who really can't sing at all, it's kind of a problem.

For the people around me. Not me. I love it.

nothingfancy1 said...

I'm too shy to even GO to the gym. We have one at work, but the thought of my collegues seeing me huff and puff in my workout gear gives me a stomach ache.

Seriously, I'm such an introvert, I can't imagine singing outloud with my iPod or talking on an iPhone at the gym.

I need help, I know.

Debbie said...

Oh you are just a bold smart mouth broad too! You had me in stitches once agian. I'm so addicted to your writing that I read your post on "lapping your crushed birth control pill) to my mother in law (laughed like hell) and my husband (didn't get it)...hey he's a guy...and you are one of my MIL's new favorties to read...along with GS. Anyway...you have fans....not the stalking type (at least I don't think so anyway)...but fans. Oh and we all LOVE jack! I hope the gym works for you. I definitely need to start walking SOON. I've dropped 27 pounds but that took me a freakin year!