Friday, January 23, 2009

100! WOW!

It's my 100th post! Wow! Who knew I had so much to say? Well……besides me, I mean.

There is a tradition here in Bloggyville to post 100 interesting facts about yourself in your 100th post. I'm pretty sure that I've covered everything even remotely interesting in the first 99 so as one who never seems to be able to follow the rules exactly, I have decided to go in another direction.

When I created this blog, I did it thinking that I would talk mostly about midlife issues such as weight gain loss, healthy diet, exercise, general health and women's issues. Instead it's become ……………….well, I'm not sure what it's become: A constant rambling of random thoughts that bounce around in the empty space in my head and a way to chronicle the events in my life in a very public and sometimes embarrassing way. I also thought that being a woman who has raised two children to adulthood, has been married for 28 years, and has a wealth of life experience; I might impart some wisdom that could save others from making the mistakes I've made. Hence the name: Words of Wisdom From a Smart Mouth Broad. A noble gesture, don't you think? Turns out that I don't really have so much wisdom to impart. *sigh*

I've read many blog posts talking about the searches that bring readers to their site. Some of them are pretty amusing and some are just downright disturbing. For the most part, the searches that bring readers to my site are mostly asking for words of wisdom in some form. To those readers, I apologize because rarely will you find true wisdom in these pages. I do have several people who have arrived here looking for information about Paula Deen and if she has lost weight. I'm not sure how I became the expert on Paula Deen's weight loss but I do love her to pieces and have that great picture posted of me and Pualani with her cardboard cutout. That and the fact that I also love butter and mayonnaise.

Maybe I AM the Paula Deen expert!

As usual, I've rambled on and on about nothing and almost forgot why I came here in the first place. So.............I've decided to celebrate my 100th blog post by fulfilling the promise of Smart Mouth Words of Wisdom. So, without further ado, here are just some of the rules I live by: (Wisdom is a relative thing, right?)

Wise Words about Love:

  1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or you just find someone else. advice from Daddy
  2. Every single thought that goes through your mind should not be verbalized to your beloved.
  3. Your spouse doesn't need to know everything. My Mother, Lucy said it like this often: "Your father doesn't need to know everything."
  4. Some days you're just not feelin' it so you just gotta wake up and choose to love them anyway.
  5. Ignore the little voices in your head when they tell you to kill him (her) while he (she) sleeps. But if you can't, call me. I know a guy with a gator pit. (refer to Wise Words at the Gun Range)

Wise Words about Raising Children:

  1. Don't wait until you're ready to have them. You're never ready.
  2. Never teach your kids any word that you don't want to have repeated at full volume in church or the grocery store. It is for this reason that to this day, I do not use the anatomically correct words for body parts. I never wanted to hear the word penis or vagina in church…..or anywhere. (Woohoo and fella work just fine, thank you very much.)
  3. To get a child's attention during a temper tantrum, it is best to grab their hair at the nape of their neck and instruct them not to move by whispering in their ear. If they move and they always do, they pulled their hair, you didn't.
  4. Show up. Children spell love: T.I.M.E.
  5. If you can't find them, open your wallet. They'll find you.

Wise Words in the Kitchen:

  1. Always serve a pickle with a grilled cheese sandwich.
  2. Chocolate chip cookies just taste better with beer. (This rule should be modified for younger cookie monsters.)
  3. Never eat more than two cookies at a time. (However eating a whole bowl of cookie batter is completely acceptable.)
  4. Keep your knives sharp. There is not a lot of things worse than chopping with a dull knife.
  5. Keep your fingers out of the way when using a sharp knife. (Does anyone know what food group acrylic nails fall into?)

Wise Words about Housekeeping:

  1. You are welcome to my home any time. If the mess bothers you, you probably shouldn't return. It might be worse the next time.

Wise Words about Grief:

  1. It sucks.

Wise Words at the Gun Range:

  1. Your aim will improve if you use the silhouette of a bad guy instead of a round bullseye target.
  2. Don't shoot your spouse. (But if you do, call me, I know a guy with a gator pit.)
  3. Bring food gifts to the guy who runs the range. It will get you great, instructional tips. (And he might have a gator pit behind his house.)
  4. Don't wear tank tops or flip flops. I learned this the hard way and had a beautiful burn mark on my chest from a shell casing.
  5. You don't have to lock your car there. Who would be stupid enough to break in with all those armed idiots around?

Wise Words on the Back of a Bike:

  1. Ipod. If you take this advice, be careful when dancing on the back of the bike not to distract the driver. Oh…..and he (or she) can hear you sing.
  2. Develop signals to communicate with the driver. International finger language works well in extreme situations.
  3. Learn to pack light. (Dresses are not usually worn on a bike trip but I like to be prepared just in case.)
  4. Always wear long sleeved pants. (Please see previous post for reference.)
  5. You will see things on the back of a bike that you would never see from a car.

Wise Words about Paula Deen: (because apparently, I am the expert. *wink*)

  1. She makes great hoe cakes.
  2. There is nothing better than butter and mayonnaise. (not necessarily used together)
  3. She has a really cute grandbaby.
  4. Her Savannah Seduction coffee blend is some of the best I've ever tasted.
  5. If you ever go to The Lady and Sons restaurant, check out the hand dryer in the ladies room. It will blow your hands right off your wrist! Oh and I recommend the chicken pot pie. OMG! And don't forget to tell them SMB sent you.

So, there you go, peeps! As promised, there are some real gems here. Take 'em or leave 'em. I've really only just scratched the surface. I've got more. If there's any area of your life that you feel my Smart Mouth Wisdom might be of service. Just ask. I'll be happy to help. *wink*

Hey, y'all! Word on the street is that Nothing Fancy is working on her 100th post even as I write this. Check her out. She'll be posting it some time soon!


Twenty Four At Heart said...

What a fantastic 100th post! Great job ... very entertaining to read!

Yankeechick said...

Wonderful Words of Wisdom! This was a great post :)

Anonymous said...

Great list and I will certainly take your advice on a few of them. Congrats on your 100th. Enjoy reading you every day!

The Blue Ridge Gal

Anonymous said...

All sage advise. Congrats on 100!

only a movie said...

Great 100th post. What a good idea. Congrats!

smiles4u said...

What a great 100th post and what a creative way to celebrate it. You really are one smart mouth broad with a whole lot of wisdom! And just for the record, I think you share your wisdom more than you realize!

Lo said...

oh you opened up a can of worms cuz i am only 24 darlin', and anyone who says i can ask their advice I DO cuz i am a wanderin' soul and all.

and you've hit 100? CONGRATS. didn't it feel.... validating to do so? when i did, iw as like, hey look at me. i've actually STUCK to something i set out to do. i didn't let others down. kinda proud moment for me. :)

i look forward to readin' you for years.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I loved this, what a great 100th post. A few of them I actually live by too ; -)

Congrats on your 100th SMB! and thanks for your recipes, especially over the holidays. Looking forward to the next 100.

Midlife Mama said...

Yay for you!! Congrats on 100!! Great way to celebrate it. :) I love your blog. You are awesome!!! :)

Anonymous said...

These bits of wisdom will be locked away for future use! Except I'm totally tossing out the mayonnaise. It's the worst food ingredient ever created. Nastiness.

Lynn - the piggy bank painter said...


Here's to 100 more! Cheers!

Midlife Slices said...

What tha....?? This is not what you told me you wrote about for your 100th post. Were you yanking MY chain, this time???

I was all prepared to admonish you for know what. LOL

Well, dear wise one.....I do have an area in my life that needs some answers and I believe you know which area we're talking about, right? I'll be waiting.... captcha is "widebed". That's just rude, ya know.

Fragrant Liar said...

I think that was a lovely tribute to all your 100 posts of smart-mouthed wisdom. I personally like the one about being able to eat an entire bowl of cookie batter, with no guilt! Wait, did you say no guilt, or that it was just acceptable? I'm going with no guilt.

Where's my beer?


Anonymous said...

Great post! Congratulations on your 100!

Now...pressure for me. I haven't worked on or even thought about my 100th post since we chatted yesterday morn. UGH!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Thank you, everyone! I've really enjoyed getting to know all of you in this crazy world we call the blogosphere.

Lo-Bring it on! I can't promise I can really help but I'll sure try anyway.

Pseudo-You are welcome.

MLS-Silly...I didn't say that's what the post was about. I said that's what I had to do to post it!

Note** I had to "borrow" my neigbor's wireless internet because mine was down for a short time for some reason.

Fancy-OOPS! Sorry about that. It's GAME ON now, sister. No worries. I know you will BRING IT!

Mona said...

Honest to God..You amaze me! Look how old I am and I haven't learned HALF that much! Ok..well..I've probably learned it but I just forget it. You know how it is with us old ladies! NO doubt about it...words to live by! Every minute I spend reading your blog is a joy! Congrats on your 100th post!! I AM IMPRESSED!!

goodfather said...

CONGRATS!!! 100 posts is nothing to sneeze at. Neither are your words of wisdom! Great post. Here's to your next 100!

Geri said...

Congrats on the 100th post! That's something to be proud about. Hope to read a 100 more.

~sWamPy~ said...

Just had a few seconds to stop my and say, "Hey." As you can tell at my place, there's no time for blogging. Thanks for always taking the time to visit my place.
Congrats on having so much to say and sharing it with us by blogging.

Tricia said...

Congratulations on your 100th post, and this one is fabulous. I especially love the parenting advice!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Mona-Thanks but don't sell yourself short. I bet you have plenty of wisdome to share with us....if you don't delete it. *wink*

Goodfather & Geri- Thank you very much.

Swampy-Thanks and thank you also for taking the time to stop by while you are sick and traveling.

Tricia-Thanks so much.

Debbie said...

Happy 100th! And anyone that quotes Paula is good in my book.

thistle said...

Congratulations on your 100th post...and a GREAT post his time. Amazing, those are some words i will live by and pass on to others.

You are the best! standing ovation

thistle said... mental pause again...that should be 'and what a great post for this one'...not 'his time' that was another smart ass thought involving gator pits's tough to cut and paste when you can't remember what you are doing from one minute to the next..

at least my italics worked...

JeanMac said...

That's a terrific 100th post- congratulations.

Reader Wil said...

Very good post! And very wise! I am glad I didn't know that at the 100th post one has to write 100 things about oneself. I have had some threehundred and something posts now. I shall have a look. But some posts I used again, as I had only two readers in the first years I was blogging here.

Braja said...

I loved this, a different take on the usual one hundredth. Well done. And yeah, about time you showed your face (or your smart mouth) over at my place :))

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Debbie-Gotta love Paula!

Thistle-LOL@ your mental pause. Hate it when that happens. But now I'm dying to know what you were going to say about the gator pit.

JeanMac-Thank you very much.

ReaderWil-That's the great thing about blogging. Your blog, your rules.

Braja-From one smart mouth to another *wink*, thanks for stopping by my site. I do hope you'll come back.

Anonymous said...

congrats! You are doing great! :)

Jan said...

Ah, yes. She knows someone who owns a gator pit - how many of your friends can you say that about?

See? Just one more reason I love you. Yes, indeed.

Tit for tat - my sister-in-law not only owns a very large wood chipper, but knows how to use it.

She never has much trouble with her husband, for some reason....

Anonymous said...

Found your blog through a link on The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. I am halfway through my first pregnancy and I am taking your parenting advice to heart!

I hope to stop by more often!

-Lori at I Can Grow People

Diana said...

Congrats! I love your blog. I need to comment more often. :)

Smart Mouth Broad said...

GoodBadUgly-Thank you so much!

Jan-Oooooooooo, a wood chipper! How fun! Just call me if you ever need a gator pit. You never know.

PaintedPants-Oh, my dear. This advice was done with tongue in cheek but you will find a bit of real wisdom there. How exciting for you with you first. Thanks so much for visiting and I hope you will come back.

Diana-Thanks. It's hard to keep up. So many great blogs, so little time. No pressure, dear. Just glad you said hello.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your 100th and what a wonderful post. You are such a delight!

Liz said...

Congrats on 100 posts! I like your words of wisdom. My mother's version of #3 under Love was "I don't tell your father everything."

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