Tuesday, March 31, 2009


By now, you've probably seen the cover of this week's People magazine. You know the one with little Valerie Bertinelli, the girl we all loved in One Day at a Time. She is 48 now, soon to be 49 years old and revealed her smokin' hot, new body, in a bikini no less, on the cover. Yeah, I hate her. But seriously, good for her. This struck a chord with me because we are the same age. Well, she's a bit older. *smirk*

Ironically the People magazine arrived in my office mailbox yesterday: The very same day that I woke up, took one look in the mirror and said, "Who the hell are you?" I didn't recognize the face staring back at me. I look like crap! There are bags under my eyes that you could pack for a month long vacation. There are lines on my face that would give MapQuest a run for its money. I don't even want to talk about my grey roots. Does anyone know how to get your hair to stop growing? Oh and let's not forget the mini me that's attached itself to my mid-section. Oh yeah, there's a whole other person cohabitating with my body. I've got proof. Just look at the scale. Wait! Stop! You're just going to have to take my word for it on that. Bottom line: I've come to the realization that I'm no longer pushing forty. I'm draggin it.

It took a while but I finally got over the shock of this over-night transformation, (Don't tell me it didn't happen overnight. That's my story and I'm stickin to it.) So I sat myself down and had a talk with myself. It went something like this:

Me: "Damn, girl! You've really let yourself go."

Me also: "Go where? Where are we going? "

*Apparently the new me is not only a wreck, she's also stupid. Grrr.*

Me: "We've got to do something about this. What do you propose that we do?"

Me also: "I like donuts. Can we go get donuts?"

Me: "That's it. You're going back to the gym today! You're going back on the South Beach Diet" There is no excuse for a woman your age to let herself go like this, Do you hear me, Soldier?"

Me also: "Does that mean we can't stop at Dunkin Donuts? Not even for a muffin?"

Me: "You are really thick, you know it?"

So then I get to the office and see cutesy, little Ms. Bertinelli on the cover. That might have p*ssed off a weaker woman. Not me! It just strengthened my resolve. If VB can do it by her 49th birthday, by gosh, so can I. *Oh dear Lord, have I lost my mind?*

I've got until December 2009 to literally get my rear in gear. I'm going to start drinking more water and less wine beer coffee. I'm going to get more rest. I'm going to hit the gym or exercise elsewhere vigorously 4-5 times a week. I am going to follow the South Beach Diet because it works for me when I actually follow it. I'm not saying that I'll be modeling any bikini come December but mark my words:

I will be a smaller, fitter, crankier happier Smart Mouth Broad.

And I'll be doing it all…….One Day at a Time.


Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

Hahahaha....you made me laugh out load Smart Mouth Broad!!
I feel your pain.......but, that being said, I'm not giving up my wine, beer or martini's just to fit in a bikini.
Like you....yeah for her and UHG...I'm a wee bit older than her.
But hotter....I held a Smith & Wesson to Prince's head and he said "Reg, you're DEFINATELY hotter than that Val girl :)

Steady On
Reggie Girl

Tessa said...

Yay! You go girl and don't listen to the nay-sayers. Take it from me, I'm a lot healthier without 30 lbs of lard to lug around and TFH thinks I'm smokin' hot (And that's just one reason why I won't hear of him having corrective laser treatment for his eyes!)

Debra said...

What a great post! You sound just like me! I am actually a hot 25 year old stuck in this body! I have always loved Valerie Bertinelli. I have some really stupid trivia. Her dad used to be an executive at the GM plant in my hometown of Shreveport, Louisiana. When I was about 19, I worked at a jewelry store that sold earrings and pierced ears. I pierced her brothers ear. I know, stupid trivial thing but still.....

Anonymous said...

Once I start, I can't stop. Why can't I start though? I'm way too all or nothing.

Anonymous said...

Ya, but has VB had work done? This hot old chick wants to know.

The Blue Ridge Gal

Midlife Mama said...

ROFL I've had this conversation with myself. But when I talk tough to myself, I don't get a response. I suddenly become conveniently deaf. *Sigh*.

tera said...

Here's the thing... Most of these celebrity types have money and personal trainers and nannies and chefs and little else to do during the day. It's not like most of them even know what a 9-5 (or God help me, my 11-9pm) job is like. If I had all the above I'm sure I could have a smokin' hot bod in no time.

As it is, I'll take the donut. But only one. I'm on a diet.

Anonymous said...

Did we all wake up and have these same thoughts this week? geezzz.......my mirror turns it's back every time I get near. How rude is that??

As for VB.....if someone paid me to eat their crappy food and paid me lots of money to lose weight on their crappy food....I could do it too. Anyone want to make that offer??

Fragrant Liar said...

Good for you! I'm sort of doing the same thing. But I'm demanding more results in less time. I was trying to do Bikini by June, but I'm really fighting a C.O.L.D. (Chronic Obstructive Laziosis Disease), and it's, well, chronic. But I'm sure my determination and fortitude will kick in any moment now. If VB can do it, we can do it!!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Well good for you, but you do know she's also had lipo and lifts, don't you? I've only got a short amount of time left until I have to be in a bathing suit and I think it's hopeless. Sigh .....

JeanMac said...

Hey, whatever it takes.Good luck.

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

Listen...No...wait..don't listen. I just want to say...Never mind...I gonna go cry now..and it's all your fault. I can't even comment on this...40??? draggin' 40?? Try draggin' 70! I don't even wanna hear it! You're gorgeous, and perfect and you don't even know it!! (God help me!!)

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...


only a movie said...

I'm in. I did WW last year and lost 20 lbs. A few have crept back on. I need to get back on the wagon and count some damn points.

That said, don't be so hard on yourself. You know that that cover is photoshopped. And VB is possibly surgically photoshopped...

Other half is about your age, and he is giving himself til 50 to have a killer body (it's already pretty good). I can't stand that sort of pressure. And men can lose weight so much easier...

Anonymous said...

I received that same issue in the mail. You can look like that too without diet and exercise.

Just walk around with great back lighting, and good airbrush, makeup and hair people.

Doesn't her face look awkward in the pics - like it's too small for her body.

Linda said...

Oh my! I had this very same conversation with myself a few weeks ago! I even joined the gym AND signed up for a personal trainer twice a week. Buff Trainer is positive I can lose 30 pounds in 60 days. Me? Not so sure but willing to take a crack at it. Hell 15 pounds in 60 days would make me happy!

Gaston Studio said...

Okay you've done it, guilted me out about having splurged on all those hot fudge sundaes over the past two months!

But hey, I'm with Wsprsweetly, I'm also dragging 70, give me a break here!

(You go girl and don't let anyone distract you!)

Tricia said...

Wishing you all sorts of luck and determination, one day at a time.

Loved this post.

Jan said...

I've been waking up and staring at that old broad in the mirror, saying, "Sweet bleedin' Jesus, you look like shit" for quite some time now.

Valerie Bertinelli my fat, white behind. Yeah, I could look like that too, if Jenny Craig gave me food for free and I could hire a personal trainer ala Oprah. And somebody airbrushed that picture of me in a bikini within an inch of it's life.

You sure you don't want to join me in a Bora Bora martini and a blueberry muffin?

Yes, I know...I have the willpower of a gnat.

Debbie said...

She does look great. And I have no doubt you will too!

Anonymous said...

At what point can we just let ourselves go? I ask Blue Eyes this all the time and his answer is always the same "Whenever you want, but you know you won't be happy."

So I've decided that when it's my time to "go", I want 6 months notice. And I plan to eat fried cheese every day for that 6 months.

I think I liked VB better when she was chunky. At least then I felt better when I saw her.

Auntie, aka cagny said...

She has really good plastic surgeons and personal trainers.
That's what it's all about.

LiLu said...

This is totally awesome and inspiring and GO YOU!!!

BUT, I also have to say, this is the best line I've read in a long time:

"I've come to the realization that I'm no longer pushing forty. I'm draggin it."

I freaking LOVE it!

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

d2 must be doing alright...right?

Oz Girl said...

Ugh, I so hear you on this one. I was going to start my exercise regimen this week since hubby is gone for a month... um, haven't got the rear in gear yet.

What is so frustrating, I managed to get down to freaking high school weight in 2006, even pushing past my normal plateau. I was soooooo happy and proud of myself, strutting around in my size 2 jeans. Yeppers. Then my dad had a major stroke in October of that year and passed away. That was all it took and by summer of '08, I had packed on at least 25 lbs.

When I think how good I felt in '06, it gives me a momentary spurt of motivation... but then it goes away, like, in 5 minutes... and a pizza starts to sound really, really good...

Anonymous said...

Way to go SMB! I think I'll set my goal for a weight loss of 20 lbs by my 60th. I tried that food she ate to lose that weight and if that's all I had to eat I would be pencil thin. It was awful!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I saw two pictures of myself lately where I was unprepared. Candid shots. I looked awful. I asked my husband today, "Is it just me, but are my aging lines not happy smiling all the time position?"

Seriously, my lines are all stress and worry lines. I'm goign to watchmore comedies...

I'm 100% behind you. I think I need to be next in line too...

Jason, as himself said...

That word, "crankier" is the key. If you really are going to be crankier, then maybe you should think again.

And I'll bet you don't look half as bad as you have described.

And the bags? I think you mistook them for mine.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

MMM-I'm glad to provide amusement at my own expense. *wink* I agree yay for her. I'm not worried about fitting into a bikini but would like to fit into a size 6 again. I'll take any improvement at this point.
I'll have to try that Smith and Wesson trick on MHS. (just as soon as I remember the combination to the safe)

Tessa-Yay for you, yay for Valerie and Yay for me in December and every dang day in between. (hugs) You look great btw!

Debra-Awesome. Now I can say I know somebody who knows somebody who....well, you know. *wink*

BV-It's that all or nothing that gets us into trouble. I'm giving it up. Balance is key.

VB-I don't know if she's had work done but I'm sure the pics are doctored. Regardless, she has lost a lot and is an inspiration to me.

Mama-At least your other you isn't stupid.

Tera-I completely agree that the celebs have access to better tools that the average Jane but still she accomplished a goal and that is what I'm looking to do. I don't have to be bikini ready. I just want to be a fitter, healthier, smaller me. And btw a little donut now and then can't really hurt too bad, right?

MLS-Yeah, I don't want to even go there with the food but still I feel like she has had a transformation that is there for all of us if we are willing to do what it takes. As for me, I'm not willing to stop living to obsess about my body but I do want to be healthier, fitter and smokin hot wouldn't hurt either.

Liar-You and me, baby. We'll make quite a team. I don't think I could accomplish my goal by June. I might be able to do it before Dec but I have more to lose than you do. I'm hoping that setting a date will do the trick this time. Time will tell.

24-Yeah, yeah, I know all about photoshop (Thanks to MLS's photoshop diet) and airbrushign and "work" but still you can't fake that kind of transformation. She may be enhanced but she has lost a lot of weight. I can identify because of age and amount to lose so I'm using her as my inspiration. I have no intention of eating that icky food tho. Don't give up. I'm sure you'll look great on vacation!

JeanMac-I guess I'm going to have to forego the banana too. *wink*

Oh, Mona! I love you!

Movie-You are officially on the team with Fragrant Liar and me. I know she is enhanced but she did lose and that's what I'm looking for. That and great arms. I want my arms back.

Lisa-LOL, you made me go back and look at the cover. I know they make her look great but in real life, I bet still looks great enough for me. I'm not looking to have the perfect bod...whatever teh hell that is.

Linda-GOOD.FOR.YOU!!! Join the team. We're gonna be hot mamas!

Gaston-You have your sunday and eat it too.

Tricia-Thanks, Tricia. I can use all the help I can get.

Jan-And that is why I love you so darn much. And yes, bora bora martinis and blueberry muffins sound devine!

Debbie-You are so sweet.

Fancy-I like that plan. It's perfect.

Auntie-You can fool me, you're a gym rat too and have the shoulder to prove it.

OzG-Oh honeeeee, no woman should be a size 2. It's just too dang hard to maintain and why would you want to? IMHO of course. Come on, jump on the bandwagon with us and we'll all be better for it.

ST-Yeah, we can't do the food. We'll have to just be smarter with our own food because I can't go there either. We can all support each other.

Pseudo-Of course you haven't done the big reveal but I bet you look great! You're so good about regular exercise and healthy eating. We need to start a support group here.

Jason-Well, I'm sure I might be a little cranky now and then from chocolate withdrawals or maybe I will just have a little piece (better idea) one in awhile but don't kid yourself Mister! I'm way out of shape. But I'm changing my wicked ways and hopefully my body will follow suite.

And if these bags are yours, please come and get them because I don't need them here. *wink*

Far Side of Fifty said...

You all go for it..I am just too darn old to change..but do it before you are fifty..after that is just will not move from your body:)