100! WOW!

It's my 100^th post! Wow! Who knew I had so much to say? Well……besides me, I mean.

There is a tradition here in Bloggyville to post 100 interesting facts about yourself in your 100^th post. I'm pretty sure that I've covered everything even remotely interesting in the first 99 so as one who never seems to be able to follow the rules exactly, I have decided to go in another direction.

When I created this blog, I did it thinking that I would talk mostly about midlife issues such as weight gain loss, healthy diet, exercise, general health and women's issues. Instead it's become ……………….well, I'm not sure what it's become: A constant rambling of random thoughts that bounce around in the empty space in my head and a way to chronicle the events in my life in a very public and sometimes embarrassing way. I also thought that being a woman who has raised two children to adulthood, has been married for 28 years, and has a wealth of life experience; I might impart some wisdom that could save others from making the mistakes I've made. Hence the name: Words of Wisdom From a Smart Mouth Broad. A noble gesture, don't you think? Turns out that I don't really have so much wisdom to impart. *sigh*

I've read many blog posts talking about the searches that bring readers to their site. Some of them are pretty amusing and some are just downright disturbing. For the most part, the searches that bring readers to my site are mostly asking for words of wisdom in some form. To those readers, I apologize because rarely will you find true wisdom in these pages. I do have several people who have arrived here looking for information about Paula Deen and if she has lost weight. I'm not sure how I became the expert on Paula Deen's weight loss but I do love her to pieces and have that great picture posted of me and Pualani with her cardboard cutout. That and the fact that I also love butter and mayonnaise.

Maybe I AM the Paula Deen expert!

As usual, I've rambled on and on about nothing and almost forgot why I came here in the first place. So.............I've decided to celebrate my 100^th blog post by fulfilling the promise of Smart Mouth Words of Wisdom. So, without further ado, here are just some of the rules I live by: (Wisdom is a relative thing, right?)

Wise Words about Love:

1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or you just find someone else. advice from Daddy
   
2. Every single thought that goes through your mind should not be verbalized to your beloved.
   
3. Your spouse doesn't need to know everything. My Mother, Lucy said it like this often: "Your father doesn't need to know everything."
   
4. Some days you're just not feelin' it so you just gotta wake up and choose to love them anyway.
   
5. Ignore the little voices in your head when they tell you to kill him (her) while he (she) sleeps. But if you can't, call me. I know a guy with a gator pit. (refer to Wise Words at the Gun Range)
   

Wise Words about Raising Children:

1. Don't wait until you're ready to have them. You're never ready.
   
2. Never teach your kids any word that you don't want to have repeated at full volume in church or the grocery store. It is for this reason that to this day, I do not use the anatomically correct words for body parts. I never wanted to hear the word penis or vagina in church…..or anywhere. (Woohoo and fella work just fine, thank you very much.)
   
3. To get a child's attention during a temper tantrum, it is best to grab their hair at the nape of their neck and instruct them not to move by whispering in their ear. If they move and they always do, they pulled their hair, you didn't.
   
4. Show up. Children spell love: T.I.M.E.
   
5. If you can't find them, open your wallet. They'll find you.
   

Wise Words in the Kitchen:

1. Always serve a pickle with a grilled cheese sandwich.
   
2. Chocolate chip cookies just taste better with beer. (This rule should be modified for younger cookie monsters.)
   
3. Never eat more than two cookies at a time. (However eating a whole bowl of cookie batter is completely acceptable.)
   
4. Keep your knives sharp. There is not a lot of things worse than chopping with a dull knife.
   
5. Keep your fingers out of the way when using a sharp knife. (Does anyone know what food group acrylic nails fall into?)
   

Wise Words about Housekeeping:

1. You are welcome to my home any time. If the mess bothers you, you probably shouldn't return. It might be worse the next time.
   

Wise Words about Grief:

1. It sucks.
   

Wise Words at the Gun Range:

1. Your aim will improve if you use the silhouette of a bad guy instead of a round bullseye target.
   
2. Don't shoot your spouse. (But if you do, call me, I know a guy with a gator pit.)
   
3. Bring food gifts to the guy who runs the range. It will get you great, instructional tips. (And he might have a gator pit behind his house.)
   
4. Don't wear tank tops or flip flops. I learned this the hard way and had a beautiful burn mark on my chest from a shell casing.
   
5. You don't have to lock your car there. Who would be stupid enough to break in with all those armed idiots around?
   

Wise Words on the Back of a Bike:

1. Ipod. If you take this advice, be careful when dancing on the back of the bike not to distract the driver. Oh…..and he (or she) can hear you sing.
   
2. Develop signals to communicate with the driver. International finger language works well in extreme situations.
   
3. Learn to pack light. (Dresses are not usually worn on a bike trip but I like to be prepared just in case.)
   
4. Always wear long sleeved pants. (Please see previous post for reference.)
5. You will see things on the back of a bike that you would never see from a car.
   

Wise Words about Paula Deen: (because apparently, I am the expert. *wink*)

1. She makes great hoe cakes.
   
2. There is nothing better than butter and mayonnaise. (not necessarily used together)
   
3. She has a really cute grandbaby.
   
4. Her Savannah Seduction coffee blend is some of the best I've ever tasted.
   
5. If you ever go to The Lady and Sons restaurant, check out the hand dryer in the ladies room. It will blow your hands right off your wrist! Oh and I recommend the chicken pot pie. OMG! And don't forget to tell them SMB sent you.
   
   

So, there you go, peeps! As promised, there are some real gems here. Take 'em or leave 'em. I've really only just scratched the surface. I've got more. If there's any area of your life that you feel my Smart Mouth Wisdom might be of service. Just ask. I'll be happy to help. *wink*

Hey, y'all! Word on the street is that Nothing Fancy is working on her 100th post even as I write this. Check her out. She'll be posting it some time soon!