HEY, HEY, PAULA!

                                                        
I want to marry you. 

OK, so maybe I don’t really want to marry her because as my dear friend, Janie, says, I’m “not turned that way” but with the good Lord’s blessing, I would gladly marry her chicken pot pie!
My dear friend, Paula, has come under serious attack this week.  An attack of the force which is usually reserved for Osama bin Laden, may he RIH, and the Kardashians.

I turned on my television Monday morning for my daily dose of the Today show while I readied myself for work.  Much to my surprise, there was my BFF, Paula, on the screen.  What?  you don’t believe we are BFFs?  Please refer to picture below.  ………See?  But I digress.  There was Paula announcing to the world what she has known for 3 years.  She has been diagnosed with type II diabetes.  Bless her heart ..and her glucose levels, please.  She also announced that she is the new spokeswoman for a diabetes related medicine, the name of which I can’t remember and am too lazy to look up.  Hey, I’m a blogger, not a journalist!  I’m not getting paid for this crap interesting viewpoint, you know.



As the week progressed, I couldn’t turn on the TV without hearing about Paula and her announcement.  ABC, NBC and CBS couldn’t stop talking about it.  Apparently the cast of Jersey Shore was uncharacteristically behaving themselves this week and poor Paula became the focus of the national media.

It seems that she has come under attack because she withheld information about her diagnosis, continued to preach the yummy goodness of butter, bacon and mayonaise for three years until she was offered a paid position as a spokeswoman for this drug company.  I say……SO WHAT!  Good.For.Her!

Is this not America?  The land of opportunity and fried green tomatoes?


What is the big deal?  I can’t believe there is a person on this planet that turns to any of the many Paula Deen shows, cookbooks or magazines for advice on good nutrition.  The woman has built an empire selling indulgence to the masses.  And we ate it up and asked for more!  This is a woman who not that many years ago was broke and going from office building to office building selling sandwiches.  Why would she risk the level of success she has earned because of her personal health problem?  It is really none of our business unless she wants to make it so.  For her own sake, I hope that has changed her eating habits and is following her physicians instructions but I also hope that she will continue to give us what we crave: Recipes for Ooey Gooey Butter cake and macaroni and cheese.

I FUZZY HEART WITH SPRINKLES ON TOP love Paula Deen but you only have to take one look at her to know that while she is beautiful, she is extremely over-weight and probably not in the best of health. Is it really any surprise that she has diabetes?   But Paula Deen is not to blame for our over-weight society and all of the health issues that go along with it.  Come on, people, stand up and take responsibility for your own choices.  Any American who says they don’t already know that mayonnaise, butter and bacon are all fat and should be avoided or at least consumed in moderation is a big, fat liar….or lives in a cave with no WIFI.
 
There are two whole networks  devoted exclusively to the preparation and consumption of food.   Any show touting the benefits of healthy cooking doesn’t last long.  We all know how to eat healthy.  We all know that we are supposed to  more veggies and fruit, less fat, less sugar, lean meats, blah, blah, blah.  We also all have to keep our houses clean but we don’t want to watch television shows about the daily grind.  We want indulgence!  Where is the crime in giving us what we want?
 
Take a look at the most successful celebrity chefs on the Food network: 

Paula – nuff said.

Ina Garten – overweight.

Emeril – overweight.

Rachael Ray – while not extremely overweight, she clearly struggles with the ups and downs on the scale like the rest of us.

Guy Fieri – overweight.

Tyler Florence – the goodies are catching up with him and he is getting a little thick around the middle.  God love his sexy soul.  XOXO, my love.

Bobby Flay – I can see a paunch.

Giada DeLaurentis – Well…..there are exceptions to every rule.  Clearly something is suspect here.  Whether this woman has mastered the art of moderation or is simply blessed with supergenes, we need to bottle it and sell it to the masses.  Let me be the first in line. So in closing, I say:

Dear National Media:

Go pick on someone else.  Leave my friend, Paula, alone.  I’m pretty sure I heard there is a presidential primary going on somewhere.
 
Respectfully,
Smart Mouth Broad

And to the rest of you who may or may not agree with my point of view, allow me to leave you with this little ditty that I can’t seem to get out of my head.

Hugs and kisses,
SMB

100! WOW!

It's my 100^th post! Wow! Who knew I had so much to say? Well……besides me, I mean.

There is a tradition here in Bloggyville to post 100 interesting facts about yourself in your 100^th post. I'm pretty sure that I've covered everything even remotely interesting in the first 99 so as one who never seems to be able to follow the rules exactly, I have decided to go in another direction.

When I created this blog, I did it thinking that I would talk mostly about midlife issues such as weight gain loss, healthy diet, exercise, general health and women's issues. Instead it's become ……………….well, I'm not sure what it's become: A constant rambling of random thoughts that bounce around in the empty space in my head and a way to chronicle the events in my life in a very public and sometimes embarrassing way. I also thought that being a woman who has raised two children to adulthood, has been married for 28 years, and has a wealth of life experience; I might impart some wisdom that could save others from making the mistakes I've made. Hence the name: Words of Wisdom From a Smart Mouth Broad. A noble gesture, don't you think? Turns out that I don't really have so much wisdom to impart. *sigh*

I've read many blog posts talking about the searches that bring readers to their site. Some of them are pretty amusing and some are just downright disturbing. For the most part, the searches that bring readers to my site are mostly asking for words of wisdom in some form. To those readers, I apologize because rarely will you find true wisdom in these pages. I do have several people who have arrived here looking for information about Paula Deen and if she has lost weight. I'm not sure how I became the expert on Paula Deen's weight loss but I do love her to pieces and have that great picture posted of me and Pualani with her cardboard cutout. That and the fact that I also love butter and mayonnaise.

Maybe I AM the Paula Deen expert!

As usual, I've rambled on and on about nothing and almost forgot why I came here in the first place. So.............I've decided to celebrate my 100^th blog post by fulfilling the promise of Smart Mouth Words of Wisdom. So, without further ado, here are just some of the rules I live by: (Wisdom is a relative thing, right?)

Wise Words about Love:

1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or you just find someone else. advice from Daddy
   
2. Every single thought that goes through your mind should not be verbalized to your beloved.
   
3. Your spouse doesn't need to know everything. My Mother, Lucy said it like this often: "Your father doesn't need to know everything."
   
4. Some days you're just not feelin' it so you just gotta wake up and choose to love them anyway.
   
5. Ignore the little voices in your head when they tell you to kill him (her) while he (she) sleeps. But if you can't, call me. I know a guy with a gator pit. (refer to Wise Words at the Gun Range)
   

Wise Words about Raising Children:

1. Don't wait until you're ready to have them. You're never ready.
   
2. Never teach your kids any word that you don't want to have repeated at full volume in church or the grocery store. It is for this reason that to this day, I do not use the anatomically correct words for body parts. I never wanted to hear the word penis or vagina in church…..or anywhere. (Woohoo and fella work just fine, thank you very much.)
   
3. To get a child's attention during a temper tantrum, it is best to grab their hair at the nape of their neck and instruct them not to move by whispering in their ear. If they move and they always do, they pulled their hair, you didn't.
   
4. Show up. Children spell love: T.I.M.E.
   
5. If you can't find them, open your wallet. They'll find you.
   

Wise Words in the Kitchen:

1. Always serve a pickle with a grilled cheese sandwich.
   
2. Chocolate chip cookies just taste better with beer. (This rule should be modified for younger cookie monsters.)
   
3. Never eat more than two cookies at a time. (However eating a whole bowl of cookie batter is completely acceptable.)
   
4. Keep your knives sharp. There is not a lot of things worse than chopping with a dull knife.
   
5. Keep your fingers out of the way when using a sharp knife. (Does anyone know what food group acrylic nails fall into?)
   

Wise Words about Housekeeping:

1. You are welcome to my home any time. If the mess bothers you, you probably shouldn't return. It might be worse the next time.
   

Wise Words about Grief:

1. It sucks.
   

Wise Words at the Gun Range:

1. Your aim will improve if you use the silhouette of a bad guy instead of a round bullseye target.
   
2. Don't shoot your spouse. (But if you do, call me, I know a guy with a gator pit.)
   
3. Bring food gifts to the guy who runs the range. It will get you great, instructional tips. (And he might have a gator pit behind his house.)
   
4. Don't wear tank tops or flip flops. I learned this the hard way and had a beautiful burn mark on my chest from a shell casing.
   
5. You don't have to lock your car there. Who would be stupid enough to break in with all those armed idiots around?
   

Wise Words on the Back of a Bike:

1. Ipod. If you take this advice, be careful when dancing on the back of the bike not to distract the driver. Oh…..and he (or she) can hear you sing.
   
2. Develop signals to communicate with the driver. International finger language works well in extreme situations.
   
3. Learn to pack light. (Dresses are not usually worn on a bike trip but I like to be prepared just in case.)
   
4. Always wear long sleeved pants. (Please see previous post for reference.)
5. You will see things on the back of a bike that you would never see from a car.
   

Wise Words about Paula Deen: (because apparently, I am the expert. *wink*)

1. She makes great hoe cakes.
   
2. There is nothing better than butter and mayonnaise. (not necessarily used together)
   
3. She has a really cute grandbaby.
   
4. Her Savannah Seduction coffee blend is some of the best I've ever tasted.
   
5. If you ever go to The Lady and Sons restaurant, check out the hand dryer in the ladies room. It will blow your hands right off your wrist! Oh and I recommend the chicken pot pie. OMG! And don't forget to tell them SMB sent you.
   
   

So, there you go, peeps! As promised, there are some real gems here. Take 'em or leave 'em. I've really only just scratched the surface. I've got more. If there's any area of your life that you feel my Smart Mouth Wisdom might be of service. Just ask. I'll be happy to help. *wink*

Hey, y'all! Word on the street is that Nothing Fancy is working on her 100th post even as I write this. Check her out. She'll be posting it some time soon!

I MAY BE BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE

Before I share my recipe for Peppermint Bark, I thought I would share a little of my world with you.

I had to run an errand in the middle of my work day today. My office is in a medical building on a hospital campus. As I drove around the perimeter of the hospital to get to the road access, I came upon this new sign:

Now doesn't that just make you want to fall off a ladder so you can check out the new emergency wing of the hospital? Is it just me? Because that is just so WRONG!

The easiest one yet:

PEPPERMINT BARK

1 package of vanilla candy coating (Can you tell I really like this stuff?)

1 package of chocolate candy coating (You can use semi-sweet morsels for this too but I'm not sure how much because it's been awhile since I did it that way)

1/3 tsp peppermint extract

½ package of candy canes (crushed)

Unwrap ½ of the candy canes in a package. (A good job for little ones if you have elves to help you) Put them inside two large plastic bags and go to town with a rubber mallet or a rolling pin. They will probably still come thru the bags. You can make them as fine or coarse as you desire. I like them a little coarse myself. If you want them fine, you can put them into a food processor and let it do its thing.

Melt chocolate coating in a double boiler (or a stainless steel bowl on top of a pot of water). Add peppermint extract. Once melted spread evenly into a jelly roll pan lined with wax paper in a thin layer. Refrigerate to speed up the setting process. Melt vanilla coating in a clean bowl. By the time this is smooth, your chocolate should be set. Spread over chocolate mixture quickly in an even layer. Sprinkle with crushed candy canes and press in carefully. Back in fridge to set.

Once the entire pan is set and hardened, lift out by the wax paper and gently remove the wax paper. Place onto cutting board. You can cut with a chef's knife or break apart with your hands. I like to use the knife but cut it unevenly so it looks like it was broken apart by hand. Store pieces in an air-tight container. This is really pretty given in tins or in those little baggies that I like so much.

This recipe was concocted while I was trying to follow Paula Deen's recipe for peppermint bark. I think that I've mentioned that I have trouble following recipes exactly. I came upon an ad for Williams and Sonoma's peppermint bark which has a chocolate bottom (and quite yummy if you prefer to buy it instead) and figured it never hurts to add chocolate, right? And so the Smart Mouth version of this recipe was born.

Merry Christmas and Season's Greetings.

Smart Mouth Broad

DANG THAT PAULA DEEN, ANYWAY

OK, so if you go back to the beginning of this blog, you will find that it was started with the idea of improving my fitness level and losing weight. I was putting myself out there into the great big bloggy world and making myself accountable. It is an ongoing struggle that challenges me and sometimes p*sses me off. I've exercised regularly for a few years now after a long lapse of sedentary living. But even with all my extra activity, my quest for weight loss has failed miserably. But I always say, "Even when I fall flat on my face, I've progressed at least five feet and two inches." I'm not a quitter. I started pushing myself in the gym to try new things and spice up my work-out routine. I began to "really" watch what I ate as opposed to the healthy appetite diet I had been practicing for years. And things were going well. I lost a few pounds, 14 to be exact. And I blogged all about it.

Then along came Paula Deen and all her yummy, creamy goodness. Our trip to Savannah was so much fun. Dare I say, toooooo much fun! There was that wonderful meal about which I've already told you and then there was candy, more fried food (what trip to the old south would be complete without fried food?) and then the beer and did I mention that thanks to D1, I was stocked with Sweet Tea vodka? Oh and Pualani introduced me to Mojitos. If you haven't had one of those, you really should. Of course, I wouldn't have missed any of it for the world. But my week off the diet wagon has pushed the scales in the wrong direction, dang it and that's just not fair. Why is it that it takes months and years even to lose weight and it all can come undone in one stinkin week! OK, it didn't all come undone but when you're trying to lose weight and instead you find it........ Well, it ain't right.

So today, it was back to the gym. I've been taking a Hip Hop Booty class on Mondays. The instructors are two young, fit personal trainers who apparently spend their evenings out in clubs because these guys can DANCE! I feel strongly that if I have to exercise, I prefer to be entertained during the process. Usually the entertainment is self-provided as I can laugh at myself and that works for me. But these guys are my new source of entertainment. I forgot to bring my camera into the gym and so all I had was my phone and the above picture didn't really capture what I was after but let's say this is the preview to next week's post when I show you what Hip Hop Booty is all about. Stay tuned and as long as I survive the week and don't forget that I promised, I will tell you all about it with pictures and maybe even video if I can figure that out. *sigh* Bear with me, people, I'm learning. And I've come so far.

THE PAULA DEEN SCENE

Guess what's at the corner of Congress and Whitaker Streets in Savannah?

As previously announced, Pualani, Smitty, MHS and I dined at the Lady and Sons' restaurant tonight.

I was really excited to have the photo op of a lifetime!

Our server was Mike. Mike was great. I wish I would have taken a picture of Mike. I didn't. Maybe someday I will become one of those bloggers whose camera is ever-ready to snap that perfect picture that says a thousand words.

But I did take this picture: (OK, Pualani actually snapped the photo)

This is the greatest thing ever invented. It's the hand drier in the ladies room. That sucker really blows! It literally moved the skin on my hands. Now I know that I'm aging but the skin on my hands is not that loose. (Look at that picture! My hands are normally lovely and young looking.)But this thing made the flesh of my hands flap in the breeze. I was so impressed, I remembered to take my camera (and Pualani to take the picture) on my second trip to the restroom. (See this post for reference to my weak bladder)

I forgot to take pictures of our appetizers. We had friend green tomatoes and crab stuffed Portobello mushrooms. But here's what we had for dinner:

My brother took the advice of Pseudonymous High School Teacher and ordered the chicken pot pie. I took several bites (coz I'm his baby sister and he can't refuse me anything) and this was REALLY good. Like no pot pie I've ever had. Thanks for the recommendation, Pseudo!

Pualani had the stuffed shrimp. I sampled this one too and Yummmm! The shrimp was stuffed with crab and then wrapped in bacon and smothered in something sinful. Mmm, Mmm Good.

This was my plate. It may not look so pretty, black beans seldom do but it was delectable. I love crab cakes and these ranked up there with the best I've ever had. They were served with a creamy dill sauce and a side of black beans over white rice with pico de gallo. Yum again!

MHS ordered one of the specials. As you can see, he couldn't wait for me to take my pictures before diggin' in. He had a New York strip steak smothered in carmelized onions with a tasty merlot sauce, steak fries and asparagus wrapped in bacon. I tried to have a taste but he stabbed my hand with his fork. Ouch!

See that room over Pualani's shoulder? I had one of those Midlife Slices moments *wink* (Luv ya, Janie) and even after being told that it was a mirror continued to think there were people in that "back room."

I'm really sorry that the only Paula in attendance was of the cardboard variety so I didn't have the opportunity to make a complete fool of myself for your reading/viewing pleasure. But I did give you that really cool hand blower picture. I get points for that right? And I promise you that if I get enough write-in votes tonight and become President of these United States of America, I will see to it that one of those hand driers is placed in every public restroom in America! And Canada too!

I LOVE ME SOME PAULA DEEN

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Savannah with My Harley Stud, my brother, Smitty and his friend, Pualani. Smitty and Pualani will arrive in the morning from Maui. MHS and I will meet them at the airport and drive to Savanna from there. I've mentioned before that I'm a foodie and a Food Network addict. My brother was the one who introduced me to the Food Network years ago. Since then I've become a HUGE Paula Deen fan. I love Southern cooking and have the arse to prove it. *sigh*

We have reservations to dine at Paula Deen's restaurant, The Lady and Sons. I've never been one to swoon over celebrities. I could never understand women who yell, scream, throw bras and faint at the sight of the Beatles, Elvis, Justin Timberlake or Tim McGraw. But if Paula Deen is there, I just might make a fool of all of us. I can see myself running up and telling her something intelligent like, "You're my biggest fan!"

Stay tuned for pictures. I'll be the one chasing Paula Deen down the street, screaming like a banshee about how much I love her. She'll be the one running away while frantically dialing 911 on her cell phone, followed by a call to her lawyer to file a restraining order against me.