Thursday, June 25, 2009



Last week I told you about how Daughter #1 is home for the summer and has become the Food Nazi. She has placed the whole family on THE ZONE. Better known by me as THE DAMN ZONE. As in when someone offers me a cookie at work, I politely decline saying, “No thanks, I’m in THE DAMN ZONE.”

D1’s US Navy connection says that many Navy Seals eat on the Zone Diet to achieve maximum performance in their training. The way I see it, between my fitness regimen with the Wii Wii, THE DAMN ZONE and the time I spend at the shooting range, I’ll be ready should the Navy Seals need my assistance for any special ops. And if my call to duty comes when I have PMS like I did this month, I could end the war on terror in 24 hours. Just sayin’.

“Mr. President, I am equal to the task.”

I’ve been giving D1 a lot of crap about taking control of our daily intake but the truth is that as much as I’ve been saying that I want to lose weight, I’ve gotten nowhere in the last year. It was time someone took the bull by the horns. My very first post almost a year ago proclaimed my committment to fitness, weight loss and health improvement. I’ve been dedicated to my fitness routine. I must have the metabolism of a slug because nothing seems to work.

D1 had her hairs cut and hi-lighted yesterday. She went to my stylist, Stacy. She was explaining to Stacy how she has put us all in the Zone. D1 says Stacy was very concerned about my welfare. She said, “Your mom really likes to have a glass of wine at night, can she have that?” I was thrilled to hear that someone has my back.

The answer, in case you’re wondering, is that yes, I CAN have a glass of wine, I just have to be sure to have a slice of turkey and a few nuts too. I can live with that.

The DAMN ZONE may seem a bit extreme but really I’m eating the same things I was eating before but in different portions. The Zone is 30% fat, 30% protein and 40% carbs. Not so bad, it’s just that every time you eat anything, you have to make sure that you have all three components. Kind of like……………..if you give a mouse a cookie………….you have to give him a glass of milk. Only not as good.

I’m not gonna lie. I miss butter. Last night’s shrimp scampi was really good but it would have been bettah with buttah! My butt will be bettah without it and there you have it. The problem is that when I don’t get results, I give up and give in. My stick-to-itiveness has lost its sticky. Does anyone out there have the secret glue that will help me stick to the plan?

On a brighter note: Wii Wii says I’m 34 years old. Of course Wii Wii also says this EVERYDAY:

  • You’re obese! And dang if it doesn’t say it very cheerfully. Wii Wii apparently doesn’t know that SMB has a gun and knows how to use it.
  • You’re lazy and stupid! OK, what it actually said was, “You’re going to have to work harder and smarter to reach your goal.” Stupid Wii Wii
  • You ARE poetry in motion. Suck up!
  • I’ve got nothing but respect for your performance. It’s about time I got some respect.
  • Too slow. Grrrrr
  • You’re taking to this track like you OWN it! Now THAT’s what I’m talkin’ about.

I’ve got a 30 year class reunion (Never mind that I’m only 34 ) at the end of August. Please, Lord! Is it wrong to pray for weight loss? Does it count that I promise to serve my country when the navy seals call? I promise to work for world peace. That’s got to be worth something, right? And just so you know, I don’t have to be super-model thin. Don’t even want to be. I just want to be a better SMB. A more fit SMB. And if you could lift all that sags, I would greatly appreciate it. Amen.


midlife slices said...

My Wii Mii has stopped speaking to me so you're doing much better than I am, apparently. You certainly look great for a 34 year old and you really much be smart to have graduated at age 4, hence your name....I suppose. MUAH! I miss everyone but at this point, when I have 5 minutes I either want to spend it drinking or sleeping which explains why I've been doing neither for way too long.

Girl Tornado said...

A slice of turkey with your wine? Somehow that just doesn't sound very yummy... ew.

Good luck on your final 2 months before the class reunion... I will be nice and not talk about the french-breakfast-puffs-I-made-today-that-were-really-yummy and instead encourage you to stick to the DAMN ZONE and you will feel like a million bucks when you get to that class reunion!!! :)

So you go girl, and drink that wine and eat that turkey! If I were there, I'd share a glass of wine with you, sans turkey...

Sharon Rose said...

You sound like a true Navy Seal to me!
I am a sharp shooter myself. But if I were sent to war during PMS, even my congregation would run to the altar!
I would shoot before asking questions! You are a good girl SMB!
Stay in the ZONE. . . . you'll do well I am sure!

Midlife Roadtripper said...

I'll follow you on the zone progress - I so need to lose weight. Just found out oldest son is getting married - and I WILL NOT GO TO HIS WEDDING FAT!

Michel said...

Pastor sharon probably has a better answer than me, but I pray for weight loss ALL the time. I also demand that science get off their damn ass an invent a pill so I don't have to actually DO anything.

I have so much respect for you being in that zone. However, I think you have to shave your head to be a seal. Upside though, they are totally dreamy.

Crone and Bear It said...

Are you reading any guy's blog talking about how he has to lose weight for his 30th reunion? I can't follow specific diets like the Zone or Atkins or whatever - it makes me concentrate too much on what I can't eat. I have just cut my portions substantially and stick to protein, veggies and fruit and fat is melting off. There are still days I want to put my face in a vat of ice cream. Take comfort in the fact every other woman attending your reunion is feeling exactly the same way you feel - and I've seen your pics; you're gorgeous sweetie! Wine and turkey just sound like a sad unsatisfying combo. Hang in there. *sigh*

cheatymoon said...

I am feeling your pain this week. Have been training for monster hike in 2 weeks, trying to slap my bad back into submission. I would also be nice if I were dragging a slightly smaller butt up the mountain.

Damn WW points. I got invited out to breakfast this morning and all I have to look forward to is coffee... ack.

Hang in there, SMB. You will succeed. Plus Zone bars are sort of yummy...

Anonymous said...

I bought the Wii Active and frankly the trainer annoys the shit out of me. What was I thinking? I may go back on the zone- I lost all my pregnancy weight PLUS some after I gave birth- it was hard to get used to but once I was on a roll I was fine. My tough ones to give up were bread, pasta and white rice.

Unknown said...

I ditto croneandbearit! BUT if you feel you must try to lose weight and nothing else is working, pray, girl,pray!

Beth Niquette said...

WELL! You must be on the same lifestyle shift as I. Are you sure your daughter hasn't split into twins and come to live at our house????


But I have lost almost 15 pounds. (grin)

Jan said...

I know nothing about stick-to-it-ness, so I'm sorry I can be no help to you there.

I'm with Oz Girl, too - a slice of turkey with my glass of wine? How about after my three glasses?


It's a good thing the War on Terror isn't dependent on me, or we'd be sunk.

Linda said...

Being 34(+13) myself and having the metabolism of a slug I'm so with you here. Nothing seems to be working for me either. But I'm cutting portions, have two 20 min sessions a week w/a trainer and TRY like hell to get in at least 20 mins/day cardio. Can I just say it SUCKS! Hang in there:)

BTW: “Mr. President, I am equal to the task.” LOVE that movie!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

MLS-I miss you too! I know you're crazy busy. We need some porch sittin time with beer margaritas, dontchathink?

OG-Well, you know it doesn't have to be turkey but you get the idea. *sigh*
There you go again, EVIL woman, mentioning those breakfast puffs. Anything that has puff in the title must be sinfully delicious. Well except my puff(y) eyes.
Come on down and I'll open a bottle. I won't force the turkey on you, I promise. :-)

PS-When I make it to Indiana, we're going to have to meet to shoot something........or have coffee. :-)

MLJH-I hear ya. We can support each other in our quest.

Michel-I'm pretty sure that there are no women seals but I could always be there first. I'm a pioneer, you know.

C&B-You are too sweet. And btw, you might want to get your glasses checked.


MrsK-Giving up the bread is tough but hopefully will pay off by Aug.

Jane-I'mma praying.

BethN-Thanks for the info! MUAH!

Jan-I have a feeling between your shovel and my gun, we could do some real damage to the war on terror. *wink*

Linda-I was hoping someone would get my movie reference. :-)

Ms. Witi said...

I just love the last line....if you get the lift to all that sags tell me your secret prayer because I will be reciting it daily! I belong in the National Geographic.

They're a beatue I tell ya!

Funny Girl said...

If more women like you were in charge, there would be no wars or very few.

Love your blog!

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

No, no, no..sweetcakes!! Listen! Please do listen to D1, which I know of course you is probably more important than you even know. I KNOW full well that you think I am ancient and you could never possibly get to my age..(can't say as I blame you there!) but you very well could. I did. Now you can get there...lookin' good and in great health, cancer free, perfect cholesteral levels and the size you were at 16... or you can arrive taking pills for everything imaginable and being grossly overweight. Now you can ignore all this until you find yourself embarrassed when you climb on that bike with MHS and he threatens to get you a sidecar...OR you can eat SMART like D1 wants you to because she loves you and wants you and her Dad to be healthy in your old age. She loves you and is showing it in a fantastic way. I mean...honestly, sweet angel...IS there a choice?? Geez! And she isn't charging you! :) Please don't arrive at old age all wrinkled and sickly..and not looking like you want to. It's best to start right now changing your life style..just this bit. Eating right is a habit. I am pretty healthy..but I have formed some very bad eating habits. Teaching an old dog new know what I mean. Ok..getting of my soap box!
~smiles and love~
P.S. We make jokes..but this is serious business...

Fragrant Liar said...

Wrong? I'm praying for weight loss right now, as I type. Dear God, please slough every cellulite bubble of fat of my derriere and do it by the time I wake up in the morning, but my goal of "bikini by June" is almost over, and I have nothing (especially not a bikini) to show for it. I lift my glass of wine to you, in solidarity.

Vodka Mom said...

can I lose 20 pounds in three weeks for my 30th???

CAN I???????

sweet jesus I hope so.

Vodka Mom said...

or 30.......

Lori said...

You can do it!!! I believe in you!Don't give up!

Just remember permanant weight loss will come off slowly not quickly. It takes at least 21 days to make something a habit. Once you have been eating healthy like this for a few weeks, you will start to feel better and different even if you haven't lost a lot of weight. I am sure you are learning that eating healthy can taste good and it really can. In time, you will reep the benefits of eating this way...especially if you are combining exercise with just takes time.

I do think it's pretty cool that your daughter is doing this with you as a family. I just want to encourage you to keep this up because you really are giving yourself a gift in doing this. You are still young and have grandchildren to look forward to some day...I know you want to be healthy and feel good and have lots of years with your family.

Keep up the good hard work my friend. I know you can do this!!! Hugs, Lori

Everyday Goddess said...

I think there are many of us at that same altar praying for the same thing.

And I have one little bit of advice, if you remind yourself how wonderful you feel as you do drop some weight you will feel better. It will feel good to have more fashion choices for your new body too.

That's what runs through my mind...

Phat Mama said...

That's a big gun & I think my shoulders would get tired quickly, from holding it. Otherwise, I could be a seal too!

Pseudo said...

I need D1 to put me on the zone. I have been exercising...eating healthy...get on the scale...nada. Nothing. Not one little pound.

cheatymoon said...

Right there with you, Psuedo. I've been counting damn WW points all week, exercising over an hour per day. The scale hates me. ack.

Pseudo said...

Hey GI Jane - I left soemting for you over on my blog.

Debbie said...

Ah...I immediately thought of that poster I told you about of the cat with it's hairs all raised and the eyes bulging out and the caption says "I have menopause and a hand gun...any questions!?" In other words...BACK OFF PEOPLE! you know how to handle a gun too?? I'm impressed and now the whole (24 being your favotire show makes sense some how) because you are one of them!:):) I am with you as far as the diet thing goes. I have been on a damned diet for a year. I have only lost 28 lbs....meanwhile my husband, every Monday is "oh I lost 3...oh I lost 2...oh I lost 5!!)...just shut the **** up...will ya! It's hard for women who are's a hormone thing...I am told by my doctor. I could eat two peas a day and stay the same at this point I think. Starvation is my only option...maybe I should abstain from food once a week...I don't know. One thing I do know is eventually...if you give it time...and you have will happen...ever so slowly. Another thought I have a lot is...Hey...I'm not gaining...I'm not going backwards and that's got to count for something...right? BTW...I have a little sumpin for you at my blog....go on and get it girl....get your arse right over there...go on now.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

KJ-I found a solution. See today's post. :-)

FG-That's what I keep telling everyone....if I ran the world. It's a beautiful thought.

Mona-Yes, Mom! LOL I will stick to it and give D1 a big ole kiss and thank her because you said so.

Liar-I don't know why I thought it was going to be so much easier. I live in my own bubble of fantasy sometimes. UGH. Two months and I need a miracle!

VM-Chant: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!

Smiles-Between you and Mona, I just might make it. Do you do private counseling sessions? Hugs.

CG-Is that like visualization because I really suck at that. I need to SEE results. :-)

PH-Have you watched BUDS on the military channel? They make you do really icky stuff. (and shave your head, says Michel. I could never do that. I KNOW I couldn't be one. But I can dream......

Pseudo-I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be too hard to convince her to go to Hawaii. *wink* I'll be over to see what chu got asap.

Movie-Don't stop believing!

Debbie-You could always come down here and attend the Food Nazi Camp.

Anonymous said...

Navy SEALS don't dress like the man you have in the picture... that's misrepresentation and the president won't stand for it