Tuesday, June 30, 2009



If you’re married or in a long-term serious relationship, no doubt you’ve had the talk. You know the one I’m talking about. No? Sure you do. The “What if something were to happen to me and I was no longer here to kiss your face every morning?” aka the “What if I get hit by a bus?” conversation. Yeah, that one.

There are the obvious instructions regarding cremation or burial? In this day and age, someone should be told where you keep all the user names and passwords. Where you hide the dark chocolate. And then of course that all important question of whether you want the remaining partner to go on with their lives and find someone new or maybe you want them to pine away for the rest of their lives mourning your loss. The list could be endless depending upon how much of a control freak organized you are.

I’ve given My Harley Stud very specific instructions should I go to meet my Maker before him. It’s really a very simple request. I don’t want to burden him at what will surely be the worst time of his life.

I’ve requested that every time someone comes up to him at the funeral and says, “She was such a nice person”, he’s to say, “Yeah and she was really great in the sack too.”

What’s so hard about that? He says that there’s no way he can fulfill my request. I argue that he must not REALLY love me then. He counters with, “Can’t you just see poor little, old Mrs. Jones from church come up and say, ‘Oh MHS, SMB was such a dear, sweet thing. You know she brought meals to my home after my surgery.’ Now how am I going to look her in the eye and say, ‘She was great in the sack too!’ She’ll have a stroke!”

Clearly the man doesn’t love me as much as I thought he did. And after giving him the best years of my life.

I guess I’ll keep him though. It’s too late to train another one. *sigh*

Don’t tell MHS but I know he could NEVER say something like that to anyone at such an occasion. But the beautiful thing is that every time someone does say something nice about me (and they WILL say nice things, dammit, because I’m so pure of heart and all) he will remember my instructions and………….. he will smile.

And for the record, I'm not going anywhere any time soon.....................unless I get hit by a bus.


midlife slices said...

WTH?? Are you going somewhere soon? Please don't go. I'd be lost without you and besides.....I'd have to follow and HBL and MHS would have way too much fun with that line. *wink*

Anonymous said...

oh that's funny....I told my husband that if I went before him and he decided to play the field again, I'd be watching him in the sack with her- and if he ever felt something 'weird' that'd be me.

I'm awful.

Girl Tornado said...

Ah yes, you have planted the seed. He will never be able to forget that statement. :)

Hit 40 said...

I tell my hubby to marry someone with boobs next time. And... he can date/shack up but no marriage. He would forfeit my outstanding retirement $$$ for himself and the kids.

cheatymoon said...

Other half and I had a similar conversation this past weekend. Not that anyone is going anywhere.
You are too funny.

Liz Mays said...

You are so funny! I really don't think you're asking too much.

My request is a simple one too: Burn me.

He said that after everything I've put him through I'm getting a funeral as payback. You'd think burning me would give him some satisfaction but alas, going against my wishes will give him more. Men.

Lori said...

Damn you crack me up! In all seriousness, I hope that you are not going "anywhere" for a long time.

Linda said...

ELPH & I have had the "If I get hit by the Bus" conversation. We use those exact same words! I'm so screwed if he goes before me. I'll have to re-learn how to change the oil in my truck.

JC said...

Funny !!!

My request is that he finds someone who likes my cats.

Midlife Roadtripper said...

"I guess I’ll keep him though. It’s too late to train another one. *sigh*"

I hear ya there!

One Nurse said...

We have had that conversation as well. I have very specific burial instructions!! DO NOT BURN ME!!! Give my organs away!!! Put me in a pretty box in the ground and a little white picket fence around me with daisies planted all around my headstone. I am a freak about not walking on graves. I figure we have all been walked on enough while we were living, NO WAY am I going to allow it after I'm dead!!!
And the whole finding someone else thing. . . as long as they are 100% happy, that is all I care about!!!

Sharon Rose said...

That is totally funny! I think you should put that in a legal format and make sure it happens.

When I'm dead and people walk by my casket, if anyone says, "well, she looks just like herself!" or, "Boy, they did her up good!" I'm going to reach up out of that casket and slap the schnockers right out of them and simply reply, "save it for Oprah! If you think I'm so pretty, why the heck didn't you say so before I was dead?"

Sharon Rose said...

Oh, and I don't want to be buried, I can't shovel that much dirt and I can't breathe under a closed lid! I don't want to be cremated! Have you ever burned youself on a stove? That crap hurts! I want to be stuffed and placed at the door of a Hooter's bar and hold a sign that reads, "you too, can be just like me if your wife finds you here, looking at some college kid your daughter's age!"

The Peach Tart said...

I think that's a perfectly reasonable request. I don't see the problem.

Jan said...

Oh, I think I'll tell Beloved to say that at whatever they decide to do when I've signed out, bit the bullet, kicked the bucket, met my maker, tripped up to the Pearly Gates, gone to that big kitchen in the sky.

Because you know he WILL.

And no one will be surprised.

Ms. Witi said...

Too funny....my hubby and I talk about this all the time. (I always think I will go before him so I need him to know what to do..control freak you called it?...deep seeded issues!!)

During these conversations we always end up quoting Red from That 70's Show...when he was almost hit by a tree branch....by the end of the show he told Kitty to be sure he was buried FACE DOWN so all his friends could Kiss his Ass. HA! I loved it....of course, he says he really has no friends because they are such "dumb asses" so we have dubbed a few of our friends "DA's" too.

Ms. Witi said...

Oh, I just read some other comments about being cremated. I AM going to be burned....I feel its better than the bugs, worms, snakes, etc...eating away at my flesh and going in and out of my nose/eye balls.

I know, I know they say the bugs can't get in their....what ever! HOw do those spiders get through your foundation and in the basement? They can find a way to get in when they want to eat!!

Lovely thoughts to start our day! HA!

Anonymous said...

LOL! I try and try and try to have these conversations with Blue Eyes. He basically puts his fingers in his ears and starts humming.

He has listened to my one basic instruction, which is if "soandso" has the nerve to show up at my funeral and act all upset, then Blue Eyes is to say "Perhaps you should have been nicer to her when she was alive...now LEAVE!"

darsden said...

Hilarious..didn't expect that to be the request..LOL

No box for me eitherI Pastor Sharon, ziplocked and toss in the beautiful waters...(no not the ziplock too)

I have had the "talk" too recently and told everybody so there will be no mistaking my last wish.

Unknown said...

Whooowheee, did you elicit some comments on this one! A funny one too; what I call being seriously funny, meaning that I may have said it with a smile on my face, but I'm totally serious about the content!

Cremation for me. But I like Sharon's idea of Hooters.

Beth Niquette said...

Ahahahaaa....that is SO funny! (grin) If you die before your husband, now every time someone says that, he'll smile inside and remember how amazing, humorous and lovely you were.

I think you are such a great person! Thank you for sharing such insights. I think I might tell my darling the same thing....

Debbie said...

Oh my God this was hilarious Smart Mouth. Boy...do we think alike. BTW...that photo you had on another post with MHS and his brothers...Your guy is the cutest...seems to smile the most (kindest) and I have a feeling the two of you are best buds too...besides being married to each other. I just love that. Am I right? A man needs a good cook and a woman with a sense of humor and of course good in the sack! I think you probably qualify for all three.:)

Pseudo said...

This is So funny and yet so sweet. I love your true motive. I might steal this....

Joe Todd said...

Simply ingenious

rachaelgking said...

I love the scene in "Love Actually" at Liam Neeson's wife's funeral, where she's had this ridiculously fun video made for them all to watch, a montage of all the happy times in her life.

Now THAT'S the way to say goodbye. :-)

Maureen at IslandRoar said...

That's so good I think I have to steal it.

Duchess said...

Damn! I'm not sure that anyone will be around to say that for me...

But I am! Well...I thought I was... I mean, I used to be...

Anonymous said...

Luke Danes also thinks it's important to discuss where you keep the coupons- be it a drawer or an empty coffee can.

Jason, as himself said...

Oh, I do love that. I think he should say it to everyone, including the nice little old ladies.

We have spoken of this in general terms. Cremation, not burial. Celebration, no funeral. He can remarry. That's all fine. But I will NEVER reveal the dark chocolate stashes. And I can barely remember all the bloody usernames and passwords that I have, do you think I could pull it together enough to write it down for him?

Kelly P said...

Well I have been with my boyfriend for 13 yrs and we're all the time talking about that.Seeing that I talk so much,I told him to say what was on his mind at the time of my going.He told me that anyone who came to him and said she was a good person,that he would look at them and say yeah but at least its quiet.LOL!!

Kelly P said...

I think thats hilarious. Ilike your way.ha,ha!!I told my boyfriend that if he really loved me he would at least be good after I'm gone and if he was'nt that he would feel my finger tips touching his back and that he would know that I'm there to aggravate him. HA!HA!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

MLS-Going nowhere that I know of. I added that little disclaimer after your comment.

MrsK-Haunting....now there's an idea.

OG-I hope not.

Hit40-Great idea. I'll tell MHS to marry someone with long legs.

Movie-It's an important one to have.

BV-"Burn me" Ouch. It doesn't sound like such a great idea when you say it like that but yes, that's what I want too. (And then to be carried around in a ziploc baggie in his pocket) I kid, I kid.

Smiles-I hope so too. :-)

Linda-I use that term all the time. I'm always saying it at the office. "If I get hit by a bus, I left a message for......." You get the idea.

JC-More importantly........someone that the cats like.

MLJH-You know it's taken me a long time to get him trained up the way I want him. LOL

ON-I'm an organ donor too. Oh and MHS........he'll replace me in no time. No doubt. (probably with a newer model)*wink*

PS-LOL, you crack me up. And Hooters....brilliant. I might have to consider that option too.

PeachTart-Thank you. I didn't think it was too much to ask.

Jan-Somehow I have no doubt that Beloved would definitely say that. LOL

KJ-We LOVE that show!

Fancy-I love it!

Dar-I'm so glad you clarified that you're thinking of the environment. No zippies in the ocean. LOL

Jane-I'm with you. I'm really taking Sharon's idea under consideration.

BethN-Go for it!

Debbie-Thanks. He thinks so too. LOL

Pseudo-Take it and run with it.

Joe-Thank you, I thought so. *wink*

LiLu-I've never seen that movie. Now I have to watch it.

Maureen-It's yours to steal.


Snow-That Luke, he knows his priorities.

Jason-I don't know what I was thinking.....Never reveal the chocolate stash!

Donna-LOL I think the threat of haunting might prove to be very effective.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Hubby and I have this conversation a lot and it's all spelled out in legal documents, but he STILL insists on talking about it. Next time I'm trying your line. I'll let you know his reaction :-) Thanks for the idea.

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

I used to tell Patrick that he'd better NOT mess with anyone after I was gone (in case I went first) or I would sit on the bedpost and haunt the hell out of him. We would laugh..it was a joke...kind of. YOu know...I think I really meant that. I'm terrible!!!

Jack and Kernel said...

We want buried under the big shadey tree out back.

Beth said...

I left instructions to flush me down a HUGE toilet (after it has been cleaned, of course). I've always dreamed of a burial at sea.

Be careful with those buses.

Reader Wil said...

Congratulations with such a husband!! He loves you very much, for he wants to keep the most intimate memories to himself! Have a nice day! And stay with us for a long time!!