Monday, February 2, 2009


I'm back on the wagon. A few weeks ago I announced that I had canceled my gym membership and discussed the possibilities of continuing my fitness program. I explored all the possibilities of working out at home and arrived once again at this conclusion: If I plan to exercise at home, I will put it off until next year tomorrow. Until Thanksgiving, I had been exercising regularly 3-5 times a week for the past three years. And getting nowhere. The holidays gave me an excuse but the truth is I was frustrated and bored.

Last Friday, I walked into a gym near my office and signed up for a new membership and an appointment for a personal training session today at 5pm. The membership came with a free session aka a personal training sales pitch. I would love to have a personal trainer but that simply is not in my budget. I'm sure it would be great to have a trainer and might even be the key to a successful fitness routine but alas, my wallet said a big fat NO!

My trainer for a day's name was Butch. The session began with an interview. I was required to give an obscene amount of very personal information such as my height, weight, age. Then we discussed my goals. My total body fat was measured by a device that looked very much like a playstation controller. I was appalled with the results. But you can't really trust a game controller for accurate information, right?

Butch continued the interrogation interview by asking about my goals, my level of commitment and how I planned to achieve those goals. I answered every painful question honestly because I'm so pure of heart *wink* and I'm a really bad liar. And of course, since he isn't blind, there was no real point in telling him that I'm 5'10" and weigh 120lbs.

We talked about increasing my metabolism, increasing my fitness level, reducing my body fat and shedding the excess poundage.

Then Butch started a sentence by saying, "Since you're approaching 50 years old…………." And I heard nothing after that. Seriously? I only just turned *cough* forty-eight *cough* I just sat there staring daggers at the boy. In situations like this my life becomes a cartoon fantasy like Calista Flockhart's character in the old show, Ally McBeal. I was suddenly transformed into Clint Eastwood. I gave Butch a look that said, "Go ahead Punk, make my day."

He noted my stare and the red bead on his forehead and continued, "Well, I'm sorry but you are." And I shot him.

Returning to the real world, I quickly explained to him that we can't be friends if he is going to say things like that. He smiled and realized he was dealing with a neurotic bitch sensitive woman who is struggling with her advancing age and the extra pounds it wants to bring along.

Before he said something else that would cause me to ram his foot down his throat might offend me, we moved on to the work-out portion of the session. Butch put me through several abdominal exercises, all new to me. Hopefully, I will be able to stand straight tomorrow. We proceeded to legs and glute work. I was familiar with some of the exercises but he was able to show me a few new tricks too.

If Butch knows what he is talking about, and that still remains to be seen, I'm going to be a very happy woman. It seems that I've been working too hard. I have to admit this was a hard pill to swallow. He suggests that I work out no more than four times a week with strength training. I should supplement my workout with cardio training but no longer than 30 minutes and at medium intensity which is where I will burn the most fat. My old routine included an hour of high intensity cardio supplemented with as little weight work as possible and as many classes as I could fit into my schedule. He also claims I haven't been eating enough. (He wasn't around for the cupcake fest this weekend.) But I think he meant that I should eat more often. Words of wisdom about eating before and after exercising were stressed and more blah, blah, blah, and blah.

I've lost 10 lbs in the last 3 years. It's been a yoyo experience at best. I'm going to try Butch's way. If he's right, he'll be my new best friend and my hero. If he's wrong……………………..I'll shoot him again.


Anonymous said...

I'd shoot the bastard too! I hate it when young 'uns get lippy anyway.


Anonymous said...

And, oh ya... you look A LOT thinner.. just like me, when I stand sideways you have to squint to see me


Fragrant Liar said...

Oh, I wish I was there to work out with you. I need a workout partner, and a trainer named Butch might be good motivation too. Does Butch have the six-pack I imagine?

Well good luck with it all. As soon as I get well again, I will be hitting the workouts much harder. Uh-oh. Wait, I feel my fever rising again. Oh, no. I better go lay down.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I've exploded with fat since my car accident. Actually, I think I HAVE exploded with fat. Sigh! I need Butch. I'd trade you The Torturer in a heart beat.

Anonymous said... made a good decision.

Exercising at home is very unmotivating.

I hope Butch becomes your new best friend, or I'll have to send you a shovel for his burial deep in the Florida Everglades.

Anonymous said...

I'm about to jump on that bandwagon myself. I think. I hope.

But, not at the gym! You are brave.

Good luck, girlie. I'll be rooting you on!

Lori said...

You are too funny! If I lived near you, I would so want to work out with you...I would be your personal trainer for really cheap...even though I know you would be swearing at me, I can take it...and we would have so much flippin fun. Really. And I wouldn't have to know an obscene amount of personal information about you...on second thought, only the good juicy stuff!

Anonymous said...

Ack...i went back to the gym today, isn't it fun. Weights, Treadmill and a great stretch class. This should be fun, we can bitch and moan together. But you? need to stay away from funny stories for the next few days. Trust me on will regret laughing. DO NOT GO BACK and REREAD this post you have just it will cuase you about 12 hours ;)

Anonymous said...

Butch? No lie? That was his real name? Did you ask him what he listens to on his iPod when he works out?

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Di-That's what I'm talkin about. And thanks, I think I'm starting to feel thinner too. *wink* Pretty soon, I'll have to run around in the shower to get wet.

Liar-Oh, I wish you were here too. Butch had a loose polo on so I couldn't be sure but he looked like the promise of a six-pack was underneath. Not that I was looking or anything.

24-After reading your Torturer stories, I think I will stick with Butch. That is if I don't shoot him.

Lisa-No worries. Don't forget I have that friend with a gator pit.

BV-We have to stick together. I'll be rooting for you too.

Smiles-That sounds perfect. I would so trade Butch in for you! Don't mind my swearing.

Thistle-Oh, man! I think I'm starting to seize up already. This could be baaaaad.

Snow-Sorry, not his real name. But it should be. I didn't see an ipod so I didn't ask. *wink*

Anonymous said...

I'm starving to death right now so I have no sympathy for your Butch of a workout. That stuff I'm consuming.....tastes like butt, not that I'd know what butt tastes like but if I had to guess, I'd say it's this stuff I'm choking down. Then HBL had the nerve to tell me to stop complaining after only one full day of eating butt, and give it a change. I can't wait to feed him this stuff for breakfast, lunch and dinner when I return to TX. I can't wait to see the delight on his face!!!

p.s. I'm going for day two and then three and then hoping my taste buds yell "calf rope" and give up the fight and refuse to function. Do you think Obama could help me with THIS kind of hope?? :)

cheatymoon said...

Good luck, SMB. I did this a few years ago, and the *Butch* at my place was a real jerk. He was just doing his job, but still. I am usually not like this, but I was a may or may not have had a little smirk when I heard that his gym announced that they are shutting down because of the economy.

I have been doing WW since the summer and it works great. I have not been exercising much since deep winter has set in... i will keep reading you for inspiration, cos you look VERY thin right now.

Reader Wil said...

Bravo, very great post and funny too! I enjoyed reading it!
Thanks for sharing and also for visiting my blog. You asked about the areal photos. Well they were taken by Google Earth from space. It's great fun: you can even find your own house if you type in your address and number of your house.

Anonymous said...

My first thought was "I hate Butch." But then he redeemed himself with the "you are working too hard" comment. Still not sure I'd like him...but for your sake, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

I told Blue Eyes that I am going to join a gym when I turn 50. I am pretty sure I'll reneg on that statement.

Good luck with your workout program...You're the bees knees, you know!

Anonymous said...

I paid a personal trainer once for about 6 weeks. She was a cute, perky little 24 year old that looked like she'd never needed a bra, much less wore one. She was so nice to this fat old broad that I wanted to kill her by the time the six weeks was up.

No more personal trainers.

I'm gearing up to jump back on the wagon, too - I'm tired of being dragged around behind it; my butt is chaffed.

Bookworm said...

ROFL You just explained the very reason I refuse to go to 1) gyms and 2) personal trainers. My husband and I joined a gym last month, and I have yet to darken its door. And the personal trainers are all like in their 20s. And why would you choose a personal trainer named Butch, anyway?? Are you crazy? LOL I asked if they had any "older" female trainers, and the skinny bitch, er, 20-something behind the counter goes, "Well there's So-and-So, she's like 35."


I give up. I want to join the Golden Age Gym, where you have to be 50 or older to join. And the trainers are 50 or older. And step away from the body fat calipers. Ain't no way ANYONE, let alone a personal trainer named Butch with a bodyfat measurement of like 2, is going to get near me with those things. Nuh-uh. No way, no how. And no effing way I am going to tell them my weight.

Lo said...

'and i shot him' heh. that made me grin :) working out and getting healthy is a very complicated process- most people don't realize that. i've studied up on nutrition and it's a very complex process- and it seems backwards that you have to eat to lose weight, but it's true! trust me. i'm considered 'underweight' and i eat all the time... i used to practically starve myself and weighed 10lbs more.

Pseudo said...

I just keep walking. I need to do more because my arms have flab and my mid section is even flabbier. I will see if reading about YOU working our helps me.

Oh. I like yoga. But I only made 50% for January goals.

PS If you do shoot or injure the trainer please video it and post it.

Debbie said...

First, smack Butch for all of us *40 somethings*. Then, we will all feel better about his smart little mouth.
But, I think he is onto something. I hope you see great results soon.

Anonymous said...


I agree with Butch. Is that his real name, seriously?

I eat like a horse and still lose weight. Of course I work out like crazy too. It's the best diet ever.

Anonymous said...

I need you to come to my cold state and bring Butch, too! I need an exercise buddy, and if we don't lose some extra poundage, we will draw straws as to who gets to kill Butch;)

rachaelgking said...

Oh, Butch. Doesn't he know the Women's Underground Network will COME FOR HIM and he shall NEVER BE MISSED?!?

Despite that, he is right about the eating-smaller-portions-more-frequently thing. It keeps your metabolism burning all day long, keeps your stomach smaller, etc.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

MLS-Why don't you tell us how you really feel? LOL

For Pete's sake, woman! Go eat something.
There's got to be a better way than to have to eat stuff that tastes like butt. ??? I couldn't do it. I need real food. That tastes good. I'm choosing to just cut back. Eat less, more often. and exercise the Butch way.

I'm pretty sure that book about hope didn't mention your diet. Sorry.

Movie-I think Weight Watchers is a great program but I HATE to track so I get lazy and eat the same thing and then I get bored and quit. I'm following South Beach (loosely) now.

Thanks for commenting on my new sveltness. *wink*

RW-Thank you. I love you and your blog. I have googled my house and it's very cool.

Fancy-Don't be too hard on Butch. He's young and stupid. Hopefully knows what he is talking about in the diet/exercise biz tho because I really liked what he had to say.

Jan-I would love to have a personal trainer (for more than a day) but the cost is like a car payment. Most definitely not in my budget. I hear ya tho. I've let the wagon drag me for too long too.

Mama-You should go in with blinders on. Do you stuff and leave. Or maybe you should come and work out with me.

BTW, Butch is not his real name.

Lo-I have no doubt that you are underweight. You have so much energy. I hope you don't mind but I have a little nickname for you with my family. I call you "Tigger". You're so bouncy. And not in a fat way. LOL **muaahh**

Pseudo. I don't get home early enough to walk and the mornings don't work for me. I end up hating life and anyone in my way when I work out in the morning. It's better and I keep trying it but in the end, I hate it. I know what you mean. I've always had an arse but now I have stomach that never was there before as well as flabby arms. UGH. It's got to change.

I'm not saying that I would really shoot Butch but if I probably wouldn't be a good idea to post a video. Just sayin'

Debbie-I should see him tomorrow. Consider him smacked!

WW-Butch is not his real name. But it's fitting, don't you think? I'm curious...what type of work-out do you do?

Wonderwoman-I think that sounds like a great idea. (except for the part about me coming to your cold state) Wouldn't you rather come down to the Sunshine State?

Lilu-I can't believe you mentioned WUN outloud!

I'm going to give the Butch way a shot. I've tried everything else. Yes, smaller stomach, that is what I'm talkin' about.

Anonymous said...

Well....I suppose I do get a bit cranky when I'm d.i.e.t.i.n.g. grrrrrr......

Smart Mouth Broad said...

MLS-You know I love ya anyway!

Stepping said...

I envy you. I wish I could exercise. I do get to do a few muscle strengthening exercises at PT but I am only supposed to do them twice a week and only on one hip. Maybe I'll soon have one slim hip and one fat one. I'll just lead with the slim one.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

ST-LOL @ leading with the slim hip. Give it time. You'll get there. Before long, you'll be able to run circles around me. Don't worry. That's not too hard to do.

Anonymous said...

I don't know about Butch's take on your cardio -- doing it a medium vs high intensity. I asked my trainer about that a couple of weeks ago and he basically told me this - the higher the intensity, the higher your heart rate. The higher your heart rate, the more calories you burn. The more calories you burn, the more weight you lose.

Then on top of that, there's got to be a consistent eating plan where a bulk of your calories come from protein.

I've lost 33lbs in a little over 2 months following these two pieces of advice.

Just my two cents. :) love ya.

Getting caught up on your blog. I'm off to read the rest. xoxo!