AND WHEN I DIE AND WHEN I’M GONE

If you’re married or in a long-term serious relationship, no doubt you’ve had the talk. You know the one I’m talking about. No? Sure you do. The “What if something were to happen to me and I was no longer here to kiss your face every morning?” aka the “What if I get hit by a bus?” conversation. Yeah, that one.

There are the obvious instructions regarding cremation or burial? In this day and age, someone should be told where you keep all the user names and passwords. Where you hide the dark chocolate. And then of course that all important question of whether you want the remaining partner to go on with their lives and find someone new or maybe you want them to pine away for the rest of their lives mourning your loss. The list could be endless depending upon how much of a control freak organized you are.

I’ve given My Harley Stud very specific instructions should I go to meet my Maker before him. It’s really a very simple request. I don’t want to burden him at what will surely be the worst time of his life.

I’ve requested that every time someone comes up to him at the funeral and says, “She was such a nice person”, he’s to say, “Yeah and she was really great in the sack too.”

What’s so hard about that? He says that there’s no way he can fulfill my request. I argue that he must not REALLY love me then. He counters with, “Can’t you just see poor little, old Mrs. Jones from church come up and say, ‘Oh MHS, SMB was such a dear, sweet thing. You know she brought meals to my home after my surgery.’ Now how am I going to look her in the eye and say, ‘She was great in the sack too!’ She’ll have a stroke!”

Clearly the man doesn’t love me as much as I thought he did. And after giving him the best years of my life.

I guess I’ll keep him though. It’s too late to train another one. *sigh*

Don’t tell MHS but I know he could NEVER say something like that to anyone at such an occasion. But the beautiful thing is that every time someone does say something nice about me (and they WILL say nice things, dammit, because I’m so pure of heart and all) he will remember my instructions and………….. he will smile.

And for the record, I'm not going anywhere any time soon.....................unless I get hit by a bus.

WINNER, WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER…..or fish

“The best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry”

And so it goes in SMBland.

I recently won not one but two giveaways. I’m not sure what’s going on with my luck lately but with all this winning going on, I’m thinking that it might be time to buy one of them there lotto tickets. Allow me to gloat about display my prizes.

First Oz Girl over at City Girl Moves to Oz did a giveaway and I won because I was obnoxious and commented like a lunatic. Oz Girl aka GirlTornado on twitter is a dear friend of mine and I was thrilled to be gifted with some of her artistry. You see, OG has created her own custom postage stamps and cards. I told her that I didn’t want to use them and would save them. She has encouraged me to use them. We’ll see. I’m not sure that I can part with them. Take a look:

The card in the middle with that adorable pooch was her personal note to me. The book, One Year Off was also included in my prize. This could prove to be dangerous. The story is about a man and his family who sell all their belongings and take off to travel the world for a year. That sounds very exciting and quite tempting. If you never hear from me again, I’ve decided to jump on that idea.

Thanks, Oz Girl! I love my great prizes!

It wasn’t long after being notified that I won Oz Girl’s giveaway that I was told I won over at Pseudonymous High School Teacher’s place too. Pseudo has been a blogging buddy of mine for quite some time now. Her giveaway was a little different in that she didn’t have the prize ahead of time. She waited until she knew who won and then went shopping and posted about it. Pretty cool, huh? She was very careful not to disclose the end results so it would be a surprise. Let me show you what I got:

Look at these beautiful sarongs aka pareo in Hawaii. My photography is lacking and so you can’t see the colors but those flowers are color coordinating hair clips. I believe the flower is plumeria, a favorite of mine. Pseudo is one smart woman. She knows that I have two daughters and so she sent a pareo for each of us. If you have daughters, you know that anything as cool as these lovelies will disappear quickly into the closet of said daughters never to be seen again. Now everybody wins. Yay!

My great plan was that we would model these sarongs for you and I would post them. They are so versatile and forgiving, I wanted you to be able to see just how great they look when worn. This is where that quote at the top of the page comes in. D1 is getting ready to leave for San Diego and D2 is helping her pack. Another great idea bites the dust. *sigh* Well another time, maybe. I’m sure I’ll be taking one of these beauties on my next beachwalk.

Inside the box, I also found these. My brother, Smitty lives on Maui and I’ve had the wasabi peanuts and the dry mango before. Yummohhhh! Now the terayaki marlin is a new one for me. I’m always game for trying new tastes. I wonder how these will fit into the DAMN ZONE? Well, the food nazi will be away for a week or so……………..what she doesn’t know………………….Shhhhhhhhh.

And LOOK at this! I can’t wait to get my creative side shakin’ in the kitchen when I try out these new flavors! Too fun!

The card is Pseudo’s personal note to me. Pseudo doesn’t know this but I used to collect cows. All things bovine. I stopped because I didn’t like the idea of every time one of my friends saw a cow, they thought of me……Not very flattering, right? (Now I collect angels………you know because I’m so pure of heart and all) But I still have a strange affection for these creatures. Another prize was this white ginger plant. I’m a little nervous about this one. I’m going to plant it soon but I hope it thrives on neglect because that’s the only kind of plant I can grow.

Last but not least, I also received a cd compilation of Pseudo’s summer mix. Doing housework this weekend was made much more pleasant while listening to this great music.

I should also mention that the girls bought the hat in the above picture for me this weekend after I received the sarongs. They thought a new straw hat was just the thing to compliment my new beach look. Now if I could just get the weather to cooperate, I could sport these new duds at the beach.

Thanks, Pseudo, for my awesome prizes!

I know that these items were prizes that I won but they are so special to me because they came from two great friends I’ve met in the blogosphere. You guys are the best!

Please don’t hate me because I’ve got all this cool stuff. Come on over and I’ll share.

BUT INSTEAD…..

I know that I promised to post about my WINNINGS today but my plan was foiled when my supermodels abandoned me for the mall, manicures, dinner dates. Hmpfff. Hopefully, I will get my act together some time tomorrow to be ready for Tuesday’s post.

I’ve spent quite a bit of time this weekend trying to catch up on reading your blogs but alas I’m still not caught up. If you haven’t seen me for awhile……………..I’m on my way. I’ve read quite a few posts about gardens and summer trips and so many things that are triggering my childhood memories of summers gone by.

I made fresh green beans for supper today. I bought them from the grocery store but standing at my kitchen sink, snapping the ends off the beans brought back so many memories. My family had a very large garden when I was growing up. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins would all help in the garden and share in the harvest.

I learned as a very young girl that the best way to get all the dirt on the neighbors and the rest of the family was to help snap beans. My mother, aunts and cousins would gather in the shade of a large tree in our yard with baskets of beans and large bowls on our laps. If I sat very quietly and didn’t ask questions, my mother and aunts would eventually forget that I was there and begin to chat. Oh the gossip I heard. (All in the name of prayer requests, of course.)

Rhubarb was a staple in my summer diet. When I see rhubarb in the store these days, I have to laugh because I didn’t know you could buy rhubarb. It seemed to grow like weeds in Indiana and I was quite good at stealing it from my neighbor’s yards.

Baseball. The little league field was the place to be every evening when I was a kid. You could find all your friends there. I didn’t watch many games but I had fun with my friends.

I don’t think I wore shoes from Memorial Day until Labor Day. It’s no wonder that my feet are so rough and callused now. Oh yeah, while I was lamenting my puffy eyes and wrinkled mouth, I should have also asked you about rough heels. Now there’s a remedy I really need.

Memories of church camp at Lake Webster fill my mind. Boys and crafts and boys and swimming and boys and games. Did I mention boys? I was at church camp when Richard Nixon resigned. I remember praying for him, his family and our nation.

A lot of my memories center around food. The garden was such a big part of our lives back then. If we didn’t grow it, we didn’t eat it. My mother always used to say if she could just get some cow seeds to grow beef in the garden, we’d be all set.

I believe I’ve mentioned here before that I’m quite a tomato snob. I won’t eat a tomato from the grocery store. And I’m very choosy about selecting them from a veggie market. I won’t eat it if it’s been refrigerated. It has to still smell like a tomato at the stem. But give me a really good, fresh tomato and I’m a happy woman. A tomato sandwich on white bread with mayo would bring tears to my eyes. I’ll have to see if I can work that into the DAMN ZONE. *wink*

What takes you back? How did you spend your childhood summers? In the city or the country? What was it like in your neck of the woods?

Once again, stay tuned tomorrow to see the display of my WINNINGS!

Be sure to read the comments today to see what great memories everyone has. :-)

BAGGAGE, SAGGAGE AND LINES OF DESTRUCTION

Once again, I’m turning to you, my wise counsel. I’ve got a problem. I’ve been aware of it for quite some time but recent developments have brought this particular problem to the forefront making it impossible to ignore.

Last night My Harley Stud and I were in Walmart. Yes, I know…..Walmart on a Saturday night. It’s an exciting life we lead, folks. Don’t you wish you were us?

Anyway, we were in search of white wine, (My Zone snack before bed with a bit of cheese) and MHS points out the sign in the wine section that says they will card anyone under 40 when purchasing alcoholic beverages. What the……? First the sandwich boy at my favorite lunch counter tells me TWICE that I look tired and now this! I just knew that they wouldn’t ask for ID. I began to fret. I look over 40, I just know it! They are going to take one look at me and say, “Nah, she’s older than the hills. Let her drink.” Well, sure enough, we cruised on through without being asked for id. I’ve decided that the cashier must have seen the gray in MHS’s hair. That’s it. She thought I was his very young trophy wife. That’s my story and I’m trying to stick to it. But still I worry…….

I’ve never been one to buy every lotion and potion that comes down the pike. I figure if there ever really is a miraculous product out there to erase the lines, remove cellulite and LORD, HELP US PLEASE, take away the bags under my eyes, it will surely be shouted from the mountain tops around the world. Even a Pollyanna like me who can’t bear to watch the news unless it comes from the lips of Anderson Cooper and even then I don’t listen to what he says, I just watch his beautiful face would not be able to escape such a revelation as that.

I haven’t heard of any such product but now I’m getting desperate. I’m frantically searching for something…………..anything that will slow halt reverse this process calling aging.

Please allow me to present the evidence:

1. I have lines around my mouth that many would associate with a smoker. If you pucker up around a cigarette for enough years, those lines are inevitable. The only thing is that I’m not and was not a smoker well, except for that brief experimental time as a teen. (Damn, did I say that out loud? Daddy, that’s just embellishment for entertainment purposes, I swear!) I do have a nasty, lifelong habit of nervously biting at the inside of my lip. Mother always told me if I kept screwing up my face into that position, it would freeze like that. Man, I hate it when it turns out she was right! Calling all daughters! Listen to your mothers! They know where of they speak.
2. I have bags. And they’re not Louis Viutton although I could probably pack enough in them for a two week trip. Where did I get these awful bags under my eyes. I just woke up on my 40th birthday and there they were. The gift that keeps on giving. UGH. What on earth did I do to deserve them? I’m following Debra over at Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History who recently had eye surgery. She is still swollen from surgery and already has less baggage than I do. If you haven’t met Debra, go check her out. When she’s not documenting her experience under the knife, she tells of her life as a biker chick and other great tales.
3. Can my skin get more dry!
4. Last but certainly not the least is the problem with parts of my body that shall remain unmentioned da boobs that have gone South for winter with no plans to return.

Does anyone out there have a solution to one or all of my disasters?

Do you know of a lotion or a potion to erase those fine lines around my mouth? Botox? Frankly, I’m a little scared. What if I end up looking like Jack Nicholson as the Joker?

Please and purdy please, does someone know how to unpuff my puffiness? Seriously, my eyes could completely disappear any day. If you don’t hear from me, the puffiness has taken over my face and I can’t see to blog. And if that happens….please know that I love you all dearly. Fairwell, my sweets. Just sayin. I do have this little L’oreal roller ball thingy that seems to help some but at best is just a bandaid for the problem at hand. For the record, I googled puffy eyes images and even google can’t find anyone with eyes as puffy as mine. That leaves me with no choice but to post a picture of my puffy eyes for a true visual aid. Sorry. That ain’t happenin’. Use your imagination.

My skin is crying for moisture! “Help, I’m crawling thru the desert here, I need a drink!” Can you hear it? Does anyone know of decent non-greasy moisturizer out there that doesn’t leave your skin even more dry in an hour?

As for that last problem. I’ve solved it on my own. Forget surgery, forget the wonder bra. I’m having MHS build me a shelf. Yep. I stook nekkid in the mirror and lifted those babies up and the answer became clear. I need a shelf. If anyone else needs a shelf, let me know. He can make you one too. He's quite the master craftsman. Just let me know what type of wood you want and if you prefer paint-grade or stain-grade.

Daddy’s on vacation and hopefully without internet. If he reads that I talked about being nekkid on the interwebs, I’m grounded……………………….again.

Oh and by the way, I’m a WINNER times TWO. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post where I gloat display my winnings. I’m a very lucky girl! Yes.I.Am!

SMB-READY TO SERVE IF CALLED

Last week I told you about how Daughter #1 is home for the summer and has become the Food Nazi. She has placed the whole family on THE ZONE. Better known by me as THE DAMN ZONE. As in when someone offers me a cookie at work, I politely decline saying, “No thanks, I’m in THE DAMN ZONE.”

D1’s US Navy connection says that many Navy Seals eat on the Zone Diet to achieve maximum performance in their training. The way I see it, between my fitness regimen with the Wii Wii, THE DAMN ZONE and the time I spend at the shooting range, I’ll be ready should the Navy Seals need my assistance for any special ops. And if my call to duty comes when I have PMS like I did this month, I could end the war on terror in 24 hours. Just sayin’.

“Mr. President, I am equal to the task.”

I’ve been giving D1 a lot of crap about taking control of our daily intake but the truth is that as much as I’ve been saying that I want to lose weight, I’ve gotten nowhere in the last year. It was time someone took the bull by the horns. My very first post almost a year ago proclaimed my committment to fitness, weight loss and health improvement. I’ve been dedicated to my fitness routine. I must have the metabolism of a slug because nothing seems to work.

D1 had her hairs cut and hi-lighted yesterday. She went to my stylist, Stacy. She was explaining to Stacy how she has put us all in the Zone. D1 says Stacy was very concerned about my welfare. She said, “Your mom really likes to have a glass of wine at night, can she have that?” I was thrilled to hear that someone has my back.

The answer, in case you’re wondering, is that yes, I CAN have a glass of wine, I just have to be sure to have a slice of turkey and a few nuts too. I can live with that.

The DAMN ZONE may seem a bit extreme but really I’m eating the same things I was eating before but in different portions. The Zone is 30% fat, 30% protein and 40% carbs. Not so bad, it’s just that every time you eat anything, you have to make sure that you have all three components. Kind of like……………..if you give a mouse a cookie………….you have to give him a glass of milk. Only not as good.

I’m not gonna lie. I miss butter. Last night’s shrimp scampi was really good but it would have been bettah with buttah! My butt will be bettah without it and there you have it. The problem is that when I don’t get results, I give up and give in. My stick-to-itiveness has lost its sticky. Does anyone out there have the secret glue that will help me stick to the plan?

On a brighter note: Wii Wii says I’m 34 years old. Of course Wii Wii also says this EVERYDAY:

• You’re obese! And dang if it doesn’t say it very cheerfully. Wii Wii apparently doesn’t know that SMB has a gun and knows how to use it.
• You’re lazy and stupid! OK, what it actually said was, “You’re going to have to work harder and smarter to reach your goal.” Stupid Wii Wii
• You ARE poetry in motion. Suck up!
• I’ve got nothing but respect for your performance. It’s about time I got some respect.
• Too slow. Grrrrr
• You’re taking to this track like you OWN it! Now THAT’s what I’m talkin’ about.

I’ve got a 30 year class reunion (Never mind that I’m only 34 ) at the end of August. Please, Lord! Is it wrong to pray for weight loss? Does it count that I promise to serve my country when the navy seals call? I promise to work for world peace. That’s got to be worth something, right? And just so you know, I don’t have to be super-model thin. Don’t even want to be. I just want to be a better SMB. A more fit SMB. And if you could lift all that sags, I would greatly appreciate it. Amen.

BLOGGING IN THE ZONE

Yesterday’s post brought lots of requested opinions and information. It seems as though some of you do go back to read my responses to your comments at your next visit and that’s good enough for me. I will continue to respond in the comment section but will begin to email my response when an email is available. If you haven’t attached an email to your commenting ID, you should consider doing it. I personally love to get a response to my comments on your blogs in an email. I get email on my crackberry and they give me a little lift to my day while I work, shop, travel, etc.

I realized as I was reading your comments that I said that I didn’t pay much attention to info in the sidebar of blogs but that isn’t exactly true. I always check out the sidebar when I visit a new-to-me site. It’s a great way to get to know the blogger. Once I “know” the blogger, I seldom look at it. That extends to my own sidebar which by the way needs a little updating…..especially in the blogroll department. There are many that need to be added and possibly a few that need to be removed. I’ll get to it. I promise…….one of these days.

Thanks to everyone who commented. Many seem to agree on a few things. Here’s what the majority said:

• Word veri is a pain in the arse.
• We don’t like comment moderation because some of us (read me) are a little ditsy and will repost a comment when we don’t immediately see it there after publishing. I know there are some who use moderation as a tool to ensure their anonymity. I respect that. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. We like immediate gratification.
• Copyrighting is a must if you don’t want to see your words republished under someone else’s name. This really happens? Hard to believe but that’s what you’re telling me. You don’t take someone else’s stuff. Some people need to repeat kindergarten and learn the basics, I guess.
• Comments! We all love comments. We love to read comments on our comments. There are some blogs where the comment section is almost as entertaining as the blog. I know that has been the case right here in SMBland more than a few times.
• When time is short, it is agreed that everyone would prefer a comment on their own blog over a response to their comment on yours.

For the record, my choices:

Jif creamy - but what I’m actually eating these days is Smuckers natural because I’m in the damn ZONE.

Vanilla – if it’s ice cream. Chocolate for anything else. Deep, dark chocolate, preferably with red, red wine or beer. (It’s a weird quirk, I know.)

Thelma or Louise? – That was a trick question. You can’t separate them. Thelma & Louse, in the words of Forrest Gump, “go together like peas and carrots.”

Speaking of the damn ZONE……we are surviving. Tonight we had Shrimp Scampi with vegetables and it was delish!

I had good intentions.

I planned to take pictures of every step.

But I was starving and after the first few pics, I could only focus on eating and forgot all about you……………………..SORRY. *sigh*

Please ignore my icky kitchen. I have a whole new kitchen sitting in my dining room just waiting for MHS to find the time for this major project. We are always a work in progress.

Tomorrow I will have an update on our diet and fitness plan. Stay tuned…………………….

ALL THINGS BLOG

My one year blog anniversary is coming up soon. I recently posted my 200th blog post which I would have made a big deal about if I had noticed but I can’t count and missed it. All this has gotten me thinking about all things blog. I have some questions and what good is social networking if you can’t use it access info from your peeps, right?

From the beginning, I have always tried to respond to every comment with a comment of my own. I have missed a few but for the most part, I’ve always responded……that is until recently. I really enjoy reading your comments and responding to them. But I’m wondering now after a year, yes I’m a bit slow if anyone comes back to read them. Is it important to you that I respond? Do you care? Do you come back to read my response? I sometimes go back after leaving a comment on other blogs to see if there is a response but lately I’m finding it hard to find the time.

What do you think about word verification? I used to use it. I still got spam. I removed it and coincidentally I’ve had no spam since. *knocks wood* Do you use it? If so, why? Are there any spam horror stories out there I should know about? Am I living too dangerously?

Do you pay attention to what is in the blog’s sidebar? I have to say that I don’t pay too much attention. There are times when something will catch my eye but for the most part, I just read the posts.

Do you copyright your content? Should I? Why?

Peter Pan or Jiff?

Chocolate or vanilla?

Thelma or Louise?

I appreciate any and all advice….good, bad or indifferent. C’mon, share your wisdom with me.

I WONDER AS I WANDER

As previously announced, we took another road trip this weekend. Spending lots of time on the road gives me time to reflect on life in general. I ponder the big stuff and the small. And I wonder as I wander:

My Harley Stud’s family reunion was in Phenix City, Alabama. We stayed in Columbus, Georgia. The two cities are like sister cities separated only by the Chattahoochee River. Many people work in one of these cities and live in the other. It must feel odd to cross the state line to go to work everyday. I wonder if some people cross national borders in their daily commute?

MHS is the oldest of six children. This was the first time in more than 15 years that all six have been together in one place. It’s terrible how our lives have gotten so busy. It’s almost impossible to coordinate all those schedules for a gathering. I know that there is nothing we could have done for my father in-law for Father’s Day that would have been better than just being there at his family reunion. He beamed with pride all day. Not only were all six kids there but all his grandchildren too. He has five sons and 1 daughter. He has five granddaughters and one grandson. Weird, huh? We took lots of pictures but I didn’t get permission to post them so I’ll hold off for now.

I’m pretty sure I can get away with this one:

I kind of look like I just ate a bug, huh? D1 says I don’t really look like that, thank the Lord! We had the bartender take this one while we were waiting for the rest of the family to go to dinner. We ate dinner at a Mexican restaurant where my niece sang karaoke. She has the voice of an angel. Who knows? You might just hear her on the radio one day.

Being with all of MHS’s siblings again was like going back in time. Since we got married at “twelve”, I grew up with his family. No, we’re not cousins as far as I know. The family tree does fork. My brother in-laws are the same rowdy, fun-loving bunch. It was fun to see them together again. I have to wonder what it must be like to marry into a family that you don’t really know and already love.

Shhhhhhh! I couldn’t resist. This is just between you and me, right?

Aren’t they cute!

OH, Geez! I’m in trouble now.

As you can see, they are all very close in age. I remember once when we were dating some idiot made a disparaging remark about the sister. MHS and his brothers had the guy on his knees in the park apologizing to her in front of all his idiot friends. It was great. I wonder if boys still do that sort of thing to defend their sister’s honor?

There’s so much more but I have to wonder if this post isn’t getting too long and you’ve already left me to move on down the line? Are you still there? You, there in the back! Still hanging with me? Here’s one more for you.

D1 dragged invited me walking with her on Saturday morning. We walked about 5 miles. We stumbled upon the historic district in Columbus on our walk. We were thrilled as MHS has instilled in all of us a deep appreciation for architecture. We came upon a Burger King that was set in an old house in the district. We agreed we had to come back with MHS, D2 and a camera. We stopped on our way back from the reunion to get some quick pics and french fries. What? You can’t stop there without getting fries? Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Burger King. You can thank me later.

Have you ever seen a Burger King that looks like this? Each room of the house was made into a different dining area.

This section was open in the morning but closed when we went back in the afternoon. Do you think I would let a few chairs blocking the hallway stop me from getting you the photos that you deserve? I love you way too much for that.

Have you ever seen a fireplace in a BK? And this one had two!

It was right after taking this picture that the BK Police came to tell me that taking pictures wasn’t allowed in this establishment. Seriously? This is an outrage! Is this no longer the land of the free! Do I have to get a permit to take photographs in public like Michel in Sudan? And I hear they are running off Midlife Slices and her camera out in Oklahoma just because she got a little obsessive and stalker-like with Simon Baker and that other cranky celeb who shall remain nameless on this blog. (Although I was quite disappointed as I was always a fan of his acting……………Stupid JERK)

Of course, by this time I already had all that I needed. No jail time was involved.

I hope you appreciate the risks I take for you. *wink*

I have to wonder; does BK think that I was on some fast food black ops mission? Possibly planning to open my own BK lookalike? Smart Mouth Big Buns? Hmmm…..it’s kinda catchy, don’t you think?

OH SUSANNAH!

And she went to Alabama with a banjo or her knee

......or was it a laptop?

Yes, we're off again. It's a quickie. And MHS aka JackAss is in roadtrip mode. Lawd! Help us!

IN THE ZONE

Remember how excited I was that both of our girls would be home for the summer. Daughter #2 has been here since the first of May when spring semester ended at her school. She is now officially a sophomore. Woot!

Daughter #1 arrived home this weekend when school in North Carolina let out for the summer. She completed her first year teaching sixth grade social studies and survived! Woot!

D1 seems to be having some trouble realizing that it’s summer and school is out. I’ve always been supportive of her choice to teach school. But now it seems that has come back to bite me in the butt. Today I received a text message that went something like this:

“How tall are you and what do you weigh?”

What the……..?

“I’m doing The Zone for all of us.”

Really? D1 has been harassing encouraging me to try The Zone Diet for a few years now. I’ve always said not just no but HELL NO politely declined. You see, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried this diet or even heard of it but it’s quite complicated to my way of thinking. D1 insists that it’s very simple. Uh huh…….

When I came home from work, she got out the dry erase board. Think I’m kidding?

She proceeded to explain to My Harley Stud and I just what we would be eating and how much of it. There were blocks and grams and carbs and fats and proteins. My head was spinning. MHS commented that he didn’t think he had enough blocks. She said, you won’t starve on this diet.

He said, “I’m starving NOW and you’ve just started.”

Note to D1: Never give a lecture about nutrition and diet until after your students have eaten.

She explained that everything would need to be measured and weighed. Then she looked at me and said, “We’re pretty much going to have to feed Daddy but I think in the time I’ll be here this summer, he “can” learn.

I said, “Wait, I need to make notes.”

MHS said, “Don’t worry, I’m sure she has handouts.”

“No, not for the class, for my blog!”

After a presentation that lasted longer than an hour, we fixed dinner, a pre-planned non zone meal. We did have some yummy veggies even if we weren’t “in the zone”.

D#2 came in just as we were finishing dinner. D#1 says, “OK, now I want you two to present the material to D2. That will be your test to see if you were listening.”

I looked at MHS, “Test! I didn’t know there would be a test. I WASN’T listening. Crap!” I should have known. This is the same woman who made us take the social studies quiz in her class when we went to NC to visit last fall. (which by the way, we aced)

I made a lame attempt to explain what we had learned. D2 began to complain at what small portions of protein she would have. MHS made his contribution to our presentation by saying, “Eat spinach! You can eat a shitload of spinach!”

And to think how excited I was to have her home. Who knew we were entering the Nazi food camp?

THE IMPORTANT AND THE UNIMPORTANT

First things first. I really didn’t mean for my last post to be so mysterious. I’ve posted before about visiting Daddy at the lake and while I’m no fisher(wo)man, I love to just be there and look. Sometimes we fish but mostly I just watch. When you live on a lake, someone is always fishing. The above picture is the only fish that I “caught” with my camera. It is a gar. The others were too fast. There are many tilapia beds right under the dock but the water was a little too murky this weekend to see them. Gators must have been stirring things up. EEK! I did see a really nice size tilapia. You can’t catch them with a pole too easily. You have to spear them or net them. Or so I’m told. Me, I just like to eat them.

Daddy is going to be away on Father’s Day so My Harley Stud and I went up to the lake for the weekend. Daughters #1 & #2 met up in Orlando to celebrate D2’s 19th birthday at the house of mouse. The girls and their friends had a great time and we all came together on our way home to have a celebratory birthday dinner at Logan’s Roadhouse. Can you spot the birthday girl? Yes, that is a crown on her head.

I never remember if I like the food at Logan’s or not. All I can think about is the rolls. If you haven’t tried them. You just gotta do it. Life as you know it will never be the same. I’ll be exercising those dang rolls off for a month!

This was the first time that Daughter #2 spent the majority of her birthday apart from MHS and I. My baby is growing up. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

That’s the BIG stuff in my life. My family. Make time to take time with your family. That’s the IMPORTANT stuff.

Mona of Wsprsweetly of Cottages has tagged me to list 6 UNIMPORTANT things that make me smile. Now, Mona, this could be hard because almost everything makes me smile. I’m a pretty cheap date and easily entertained. Nevertheless, since I’ve already talked about the important things that make me happy, here are some of the unimportant things that put a little jingle in my jangle.

1. Vegetables, fresh from the garden. Daddy sent me home with tomatoes, squash, peppers, cucumbers and onions. If you ever want to get on my good side, I can be bought. I’m a garden ho. Or is that a garden hoe? Anyway, with the exception of something that comes in a “little blue box” , fresh veggies from your garden are the best way to make me swoon!

2. Watching fishermen do their thing. I bet these two had no idea when they set off in that boat that their picture would end up on the internet…..Well, that’s what happens when you fish that close to Daddy’s dock.

3. Spanish moss hanging from the trees.

If you remember, the last time I took pictures at the lake, there was no water underneath the dock.

4. The view:

Nuff said.

5. Beating family and friends at Wii bowling at Daddy’s house this weekend. MHS and I kicked butt……..causing our very southern friend to say, “Call mama and tell her to sell the outhouse, we just lost our asses.” Don’t cha love it!

6. Last but not least: Dirty deeds done dirt cheap! I’m told when things are all said and done, we will no longer have “waterfront” property every time it rains.

Oh and one more thing…….if someone would buy that house behind us or at least mow the yard, that would make me smile too.

Thanks, Mona for the tag and for reminding me of all the things big and small that make me a very happy SMB.

Hugs to all!

LATER, YA'LL

THE EFF WORD

Last week I told you about how Daughter #1 gave me some embarrassing moments as she was growing up. Raising two girls to adulthood has provided me with an endless supply of anecdotes to amuse and confuse. As promised, D1 wasn’t the only one who managed to make me squirm a little in my boots.

When Daughter #2 was a toddler, she had an absolutely irritating adorable way of getting our attention. She chanted. I guess that came in handy as a cheerleader in her teens but as a little tyke……not so much.

She couldn't quite pronounce the word “milk” correctly and when she wanted some, she would say “mook”……………………….”mook”…………………..”mook”….”MOOK!”…”MOOK!

"MOOK!MOOK!MOOK!MOOK!

The chanting would get louder and more frequent until she received a boot in the arse the milk. It wasn’t just beverage requests that would make her chant. Allow me tell you about a little shopping experience we had when D2 was about two years old.

If you’ve ever been in Victoria’s Secret at Christmas time, you know that any purchase will not be completed without the required 30 minute wait in line. I was “selected” by my employer at the time to shop for some lotions and potions to go along with Christmas bonuses. My Harley Stud (who didn’t have a Harley then but was still a stud, nonetheless) was working and I found myself having to haul my two children to the mall and into VS to get said lotions and potions.

D2 was in a stroller and D1 was walking alongside me. The store was packed (DUH!) and it was not easy maneuvering a stroller through the chaos. I quickly grabbed what I needed and headed to that very long line that led to the checkout counter. I took one look at the line and quickly determined that the wait would be more pleasant for all concerned without the stroller. I led D1 and the stroller with D2 over to a lotion display about 10 feet away from where I was standing in line. I told D1 to entertain her sister and just move the stroller back and forth a little bit because she liked to keep moving. I got in line and began to relax and listen to the lovely classical music playing and take in all the aromas from the perfumes being tested, all the while keeping an eye on the big and the little just a few feet away.

All was going well for about 5 minutes. Then the peaceful melody was broken by a young child telling her older sister, “Fart on you!” My eyes widened! I cringed. I hoped. I crossed my fingers. I prayed. It was all for naught because the chanting was about to begin. I don’t know what D1 did to tick off D2 but she was TICKED! It started out low and slow and increased in volume and speed with each repetition.

“Fart on you!……..fart on you……fart on you!..FARTONYOUFARTONYOUFARTONYOU! and on and on.

Would you think less of me if I told you that I didn’t give up my place in line? I just stood there with the rest of the crowd looking appalled at the audacity of some women to bring their bratty children into this fine establishment and ruin my shopping experience! Oh yes I did.

WINNAH!

I’m.a.WINNAH! Again! You may or may not remember when I won Midlife Slices secret giveaway when I may or may not have ruthlessly badgered everyone in my office for help so that I could WIN for the sake of winning. It was only later that MLS revealed that the contest had a prize!

Where was I?

Tera, at Olive Hue Designs, did a giveaway a few weeks ago. I was quite surprised when I got Tera’s email informing me that I won. I had to go back and see if I said what I thought I said. You see, Tera asked a real question and I left a Smart Mouth comment. But Tera, being more generous of spirit than the average bear gave prizes to everyone that left a comment. (Which proves that my mother was wrong when she said, “That smart mouth isn’t going to get you anywhere!”)

My prize arrived this weekend and I was like a kid at Christmas ripping into that package. (But gently, Tera, so as not to destroy anything)

I am the proud owner of a beautiful piece of art from a very talented artist! I received the SpaceGirl on the left. I told Tera that I thought I liked the blonde one the best. Truth be known, those other girls are half nekkid and I didn’t want MHS staring at them instead of me. *wink*

Thanks, Tera! You’re the best!

EIGHTEEN

I was tagged today by Blueberry Plains for a 6+6+6 meme. That is 18, right? Good Lord, I caught myself multiplying 3x5 on the calculator the other day. It’s sad, I know.

So anyway, dear, sweet Debbie has assigned me the task of going to my 6th folder in my pictures, and finding the 6th photo and posting it. If you are a long-time reader, you’ve already seen this photograph as I’ve done this meme before. I could have cheated but I’m so pure of heart and all. *wink* And it’s so darn cute, that I thought it was worth posting again.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

The Giggle Girls

As I recall, this photograph of D2 and pals was taken while they were supposed to be rehearsing for a FBLA competition. They don’t look like they are working too hard but I guess they worked hard enough as they took first place and made it to state finals.

I stole the name “Giggle Girls” from their biology teacher who loved them to pieces but didn’t particularly like all the giggling that went on during class. She worried that while their shenanigans didn’t seem to affect their grades, it could be distracting to the other students.

The girls would make up silly poems and sayings to remember things they needed for the test. The other kids came to appreciate their methods and even praised them for helping them to study too.

Nevertheless, the teacher felt they needed to be separated. D2 was put in the back of the room in the middle of a group of kids who dressed in all black, were very pale and wore black makeup. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that particular style) D2 sulked. She missed her friends. She complained to the teacher. “Ms. A, You can’t leave me back there in the midst of all that darkness. I need more color in my life.” She was moved……eventually.

I’m now supposed to tag six other bloggers to do this six thingy too. Once again, I’m tagging all six of you. You know who you are. You don’t? YOU!

I also want to bring your attention to two great giveaways!

My good friends, Pseudo and Oz Girl are both having giveaways. I’m pretty sure I get extra credit for telling you about it here which puts me in the running to WIN, WIN, WIN! But darn, now that I think about it: If I tell you about it, you’re going to enter and then maybe I won’t win. Let’s just forget I ever mentioned it. mkay?

THE MAKING OF A BIKER CHICK-Yellowstone National Park

Two years ago this summer, My Harley Stud and I along with our good friends, The Saint and the Biker Nazi took a two week bike trip out west. Prior to this ride, I had never been farther than one hour in any direction on our Harley. I was a reluctant biker chick to say the least. I was nervous that I wouldn’t be able to handle the road all day, everyday. No one was more surprised than I was to find that I loved it. Oh sure, I begged for frequent butt breaks, tinkle breaks, snack breaks and any other break that might get me off the darn thing for more than five minutes at a time but the overall experience was one of the best in my lifetime. If you’ve never ridden a motorcycle and you’re able and have the opportunity, I highly recommend it. I guarantee you will see things on a bike that you would never notice in a car.

For more of my “Making of a Biker Chick” series, check out my sidebar.

We weren’t inside Yellowstone long before we pulled over for our first scenic wonder. Taking in this view and all that came after made every single ache and pain worth the trip.

Back on the bike again, we came upon several cars pulled over to the side of the road. As we approached, we saw that everyone was out of their cars and standing at the guardrail with their cameras pointing down. We followed suit and were rewarded with our first bear sighting.

A big brown bear! He was apparently shy and not willing to pose for a Smart Mouth Broad to get a good shot.

And then there were buffalo and more buffalo and more buffalo.

The traffic is two lane and comes to a complete stop any time there are wild life nearby. That’s great when you’re in a car and protected on all four sides. But on a bike……..?

The video is short. Be sure to turn the volume all the way up. You can hear him snorting, growling, mooing? Whatever…….you can hear him.

We came to a stop right beside this big guy who was happily grazing. The Saint turned to me looking a little nervous and said, “I sure hope he doesn’t know that I ate his cousin for lunch.”

Just to give you an idea of how close we were to these giants: The road was two lanes. You can see the white line. Lord.Have.Mercy!

It was right after this unscheduled stop that we saw flyers announcing to all visitors that you should NOT approach the buffalo. They reported that many guests were gouged the previous summer. What the……..?

Look out, Biker Nazi and The Saint! She’s about to blow!

I have a little confession to make. At first I was a little disappointed about this National Treasure. Oh sure, it blew and it blew big but somehow I was left feeling a little uh “meh”. Then I gave it a little more thought and realized that with all our technology and my frequent trips to Disney World, maybe I’ve become a little desensitized to natural wonders. I began to think about not just the size of the spout but the reliability of the thing. I mean this thing is on time give or take a few minutes every day, seven days a week, 365 days a year! I can hardly do that once a week.

Want to see it for yourself? Here’s the webcam. If you have a few minutes, check it out.

Another wildlife sighting! A Coyote’s butt!

I was so excited to see this sign. I know, I’m a dork. *sigh*

This is one of my favorite photographs. Two guys in awe of nature.

Do you see what they saw? An American Eagle!

See that little cord coming from the top of my jacket? That connects my ipod to the speakers in my helmet allowing me to entertain myself and dance when the scenery gets boring. That didn’t happen too often on this trip.

Scaaarrrry! It really roars like a dragon.

And then I turned around and saw this little guy. Isn’t he the cutest?

Buffalo always have the right-of-way in Yellowstone……or anywhere I suppose.

The oncoming traffic had to wait while this buffalo made his slow and determined way across the bridge.

Who are these hot mamas? Just beautiful!

As we headed north toward Montana and BearTooth Pass, Yellowstone gifted us with this gorgeous view to send us on our way. Don’t the mountains look like they are covered in velvet?

My “Making of a Biker Chick” series is coming to an end soon. I have one more adventure to share and then what will I do? I guess we’ll just have to go on another trip……*sigh*